Funny Quotes of the Day

2011-12-11T18:13:00.006-05:00

[from New Girl]
Nick: I'm fantastic at sex!
Winston: You're scared to get a haircut!
Nick: Yeah, I don't like getting a haircut, it's too intimate. What does that have to do with sex?

[from New Girl]
[talking about sex]
Nick: I was sixteen! I have gotten a lot better!
Schmidt: You haven't gotten that much better. I used to listen to you and Caroline all the time when we were in college. It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner. "Are you okay? Yeah. Are you okay? Yeah."

Funny quotes of the day #119

2011-12-04T16:53:00.002-05:00

[from New Girl]
Cece: (about Nick) And did you see his feet? Guy's feet point at what they want. His feet were pointing right at you.
Jess: Why wouldn't his feet point at me? Otherwise, he's standing like a duck.

[from New Girl]
Nick: No, I don't dance. I'm from the town in Footloose.

[from New Girl]
Jess: No! He's here early, how do I look?
Schmidt: It's better if you don't know.

Funny quotes of the day #118

2011-12-02T12:55:00.000-05:00

[from Still Standing]
Lauren: Dad, I need some help with my homework.
Bill: Yeah, I know, I've seen your grades.

[from Still Standing]
Judy: You quit your babysitting job? What are you going to fall back on if this falls through?
Lauren: The fact that I'm 14 and you kind of legally have to take care of me.

[from Still Standing]
Linda: Brian's going to take my picture for lindasgooseclothes.com
Bill: Was isellcrap.com taken?

Funny quotes of the day #117

2011-11-13T15:46:00.003-05:00

[from New Girl]
Schmidt: I'll be like your guide.
Jess: Like Gandalf through Middle Earth?
Schmidt: Probably not like...okay, first of all, lets just, lets take the Lord of the Rings references, lets put them in a deep dark cave. Okay? Where no one's going to find them. Ever.
Jess: Except Smeagol. (whispering) He lives in a cave.

[from New Girl]
Schmidt: (on why he wants to see Nick's penis) What if Nick gets into an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured, and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? And I'm standing there, and I'm saying, "Sorry Officer, I can't help you, because no, I haven't seen his penis." And then, boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.

[from New Girl]
Jess: Something's happened. It was totally an accident. Not a big deal. I just want to do the mature thing and come clean about it. But, um, I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee.
Schmidt: What?
Winston: What did she say?
Jess: I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee and bubbles.

[from New Girl]
Schmidt: (about his date) Nick, you're gonna be fine. Don't worry about it. Just, you know, suck in the gut.
Nick: What gut?
Jess: The little pooch where you keep your extra cookies.

Funny quotes of the day #116

2011-09-02T11:53:00.003-04:00

[from Criminal Minds]
Prentiss: Could it be smell?
Reid: What?
Prentiss: Could smell be what's attracting him to his victims?
Reid: (comes to a sudden realization) Distillation extraction!
Prentiss: Well, I hope you know what you just said 'cause you lost me.

[from Suits]
Harvey: This is good. We're gonna have some fun.
Mike: We? I get to go?
Harvey: You didn't think I'd let you come along?
Mike: No.
Harvey: Good instinct. I wasn't, but then I thought it would be cruel not to let you witness my greatness.

Funny quotes of the day #115

2011-08-19T21:45:00.002-04:00

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: You have a fluffy white dog and an entire house. Are those hummel figurines?
LaRoche: Yeah. You find that amusing?
Jane: Well I just didn't picture you living in an actual house.
LaRoche: Where did you think I lived?
Jane: In a burrow on a riverbank. Somewhere like that.

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: You know, I should applaud your bravery, but I gotta say, practically speaking I-I-I... What were you thinking? You could have killed me!
Hightower: I'm sorry. I got mad. I didn't know what I was thinking.
Jane: That was some good shooting, though. That leg shot that took him down was very precise.
Hightower: I was aming for his head.
Jane: Oh, fantastic.

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: So, you play bad cop.
Hightower: I'll be me, thank you.
Jane: Right. Exactly what I said.

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: Trina, are you there?
Lisbon: Sweetie, it's all right. We're with the CBI.
Jane: I know it sounds made up, but we have a web site and everything.

Funny quotes of the day #114

2011-08-14T11:13:00.002-04:00

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Pete: Berg, no more medical experiments.
Berg: Just remember my eye drop experiment paid for that couch.
Pete: Hey, Berg? What color would you say that couch is?
Berg: (squinting at the gray couch) I don't know...blue!?

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Bill: I thought your birthday was in May.
Pete: Nope, that was just a rumor started by my birth certificate.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Nurse: So there's a rumor floating around the hospital that you and Ashley broke up.
Berg: That's not so much a rumor as it is a flyer I made at Kencos and passed around.

Funny quotes of the day #113

2011-07-24T19:18:00.002-04:00

[from Community]
Abed: I have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.
Jeff: I don't want to be your father.
Abed: Perfect. You already know your lines.

[from Community]
Jeff: Why do you have a monkey?
Troy: Uh, it's an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have ten of them?

[from Community]
Shirley: I've never been a captain before!
Pierce: I have! Commanded a jet-ski through an electrical storm. Only had one casualty.
Troy: Jet-skis only hold two people.
Pierce: Exactly. Saved half of my crew.

Funny quotes of the day #112

2011-06-08T21:32:00.003-04:00

[from Community]
Professor Duncan: I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia.
Jeff: And now I have to get one from America. And it can't be an e-mail attachment.

[from Community]
Jeff: Look, we can still hang out. It's just... we won't bag on people.
Shirley: Come on, Jeff, what are we going to talk about? My kids? Your doctor career?
Jeff: I was a lawyer.
Shirley: See, I'm already bored.

[from Community]
Dean Pelton: Oh Mr. Winger, did you happen to hear my announcement?
Jeff: I hang on every word.
Dean Pelton: I'm going to assume that's sarcasm.
Jeff: Correct.
Dean Pelton: So you didn't hear my announcement?
Jeff: I'm barely listening now.

[from Community]
Shirley: Jeff, I have two boys. And when we have a serious discussion, I find that a brownie helps them relax. (hands Jeff a brownie) So! Why do you hate me and Jesus?
Jeff: I don't think my brownie's working.

Funny quotes of the day #111

2011-04-22T19:30:00.002-04:00

[from Psych]
Shawn: If I’m gonna die, you better be right behind me, or I’m gonna haunt your kitchen cabinets until the day you die.

[from Psych]
Juliet: (about their partnership) I'm sorry Shawn, but it's over.
Shawn: I understand. It was fun while it lasted.
Juliet: No it wasn't.
Shawn: We made a great team.
Juliet: No, we didn't. It was a disaster! Partners don't lie to one another, and partners don't run off mid-investigation, and partners do not go through my purse, find my phone and text photos of my dog to every guy in my address book with the caption, "This is you!"

[from Psych]
Juliet: I am itching to get back into the field even if that means babysitting Shawn.
Henry: You two are working the case together. No reason for anything to fall through the cracks.
(Shawn and Juliet walk away)
Shawn: Babysit? Really Jules, come on.
Juliet: Shawn, what have you done today?
Shawn: Let’s see. I watched some Phineas and Ferb, took a nap, had a snack…I’m a little tired.
Juliet: Exactly.
Shawn: I just want to beat Gus and Lassiter!
Juliet: And catch the killer?
Shawn: Yeah sure, if that's what it takes.

Funny quotes of the day #110

2011-04-17T20:52:00.002-04:00

[from Psych]
Shawn: Dude, if you had told me we were boarding a ferry to the Channel Islands to do environmental clean up, obviously I would have said no.
Gus: That’s exactly what I told you.
Shawn: And what did I say?
Gus: You said no.
Shawn: Then why am I here?
Gus: Because you’re easily distracted.
Shawn: What? When it comes to mental focus I’m sharper than…(Gus pulls out a snickers bar) Oooo thanks man. I was starved. When they say these things really satisfy, there are not lying. So packed with…(they hear a ferry horn) Ah man!
Gus: And done.

[from Psych]
Shawn: Come on, be a little spontaneous. Canada’s one of the top 50 countries in the world.
Gus: And how many countries are there?
Shawn: At least 50; maybe more!

[from Psych]
Shawn: I need to speak with you though. You and I, before you head off to Italy with Declan and get all caught up in the magic of Barcelona and the running of the bulls.
Juliet: You do know where Italy is, right Shawn?

Funny quotes of the day #109

2011-04-10T16:46:00.010-04:00

[from Psych]
Henry: The truth, Shawn. You're not really my son, are you? Because I gave you a watch with the inscription, "Don't Lose", and what is the first thing that you do?
Shawn: I lose the watch.
Henry: You lose the watch!
Shawn: Well, here's a news flash Dad. My birthday wasn't yesterday, okay? It was...four months ago.
Henry: Yeah, well here's a news flash for you, kid. After you were born, it took you four months to smile at me. That's when the clock started ticking.

[from Still Standing]
Brian: Are we part indian? If we are, I can get a scholarship.
Judy: Well, your dad is a member of the slot club at the Indian casino.
Brian: Which, I'm guessing, is why I need a scholarship.

Funny quotes of the day #108

2011-03-29T13:29:00.003-04:00

[from Psych]
Conforth: Listen, your program breaks down as follows: a third will be spent in the classroom, a third will involve field work, and a third will be focused on physical training.
Shawn: What about the other third?
Gus: Are you kidding?
Shawn: Nevermind. Surprise us.

[from Psych]
(Gus walks into the office.)
Shawn: Tried to make some joe, but our coffee maker's busted.
Gus: We don't have a coffee maker.
Shawn: What was I fiddling with for the last half hour?
(A couple minutes later, Gus holds up his burnt humidifier.)
Gus: My humidifier looks nothing like a coffee maker!
Shawn: I'll buy you a new one.

[from Psych]
Shawn: When you were annoyingly talking to Kim for the 9th time today, I was on the phone with Harvard who said there is no record of Declan going there.
Gus: So the guy lied on his resume. If that makes somebody a killer, then you're Ted Bundy.

[from Psych]
Gus: The thing is…I have something big to tell you.
Shawn: You know you can say anything to me, Gus! We've known each other forever, and there's absolutely nothing that could dent our impenetrable bond.
Gus: I have a secret girlfriend.
Shawn: You're dead to me.

Funny quotes of the day #107

2011-01-27T20:23:00.003-05:00

[from Castle]
(at the cemetery)
Ryan: You know, if this were a horror movie, we'd be the first ones killed, splitting off like this.
Esposito: Yeah, except we're not a couple of top-heavy coeds out looking for fun. We're highly trained officers of the law with enough firepower to take out a horde of undead.
Ryan: Hispanic and cocky. Yeah, you definitely die first.

[from Glee]
Brittany: Mr. Schuester taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after M and N. I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.

[from Glee)
Sue: (holds up a piece of broccoli) Do you know what this is?
Mercedes: A toilet brush.
Sue: It's broccoli. When I showed it to Brittany earlier, she began to whimper thinking I had cut down a small tree where a family of gummy bears lived.

Funny quotes of the day #106

2011-01-23T19:30:00.003-05:00

[from Psych]
Shawn: There is no way that I'm showing you what's in this folder.
Henry: You're lucky I'm even asking you, Shawn. I could do this the simple way. I could grab it from you, clean up any evidence of a struggle before you and your little friend here knew what hit ya.
Shawn: Some states, that's called child abuse.
Gus: I think all of them.

[from Psych]
Gus: You can't re-review something, Shawn, it's redundant. Like re-repeat or re-reflect.
Shawn: You can if you've already peated and flected twice.

[from Psych]
(after Lassiter pulls his gun on a barking Rottweiler)
Shawn: Who are you, Michael Vick?
Lassiter: I'm not going to shoot him. He doesn't know that.
Shawn: He doesn't know anything. He's a dog.

Funny quotes of the day #105

2011-01-21T21:49:00.002-05:00

[from The Office]
Michael: Excuse me, everyone. SEX!! Now that I have your attention—
Stanley: You don't have our attention.
Michael: Money!
Stanley: I'm listening.
Kevin: You had me at sex.

[from The Office]
Jim: I am on the first hot sales streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding Ceci because, no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. And let's be honest if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything.

[from Hawaii Five-0]
Steve: Take off the tie, no one on a cruise ship wears a tie.
Danny: Oh, yes they do, so when they get bored they can kill themselves.
Steve: Okay, well put it in your pocket and you can kill yourself later.

[from Hawaii Five-0]
Steve: Listen I'm gonna have my phone on me, but don't call me, I'll call you.
Kono: Bet you've used that line before. (Leaves)
Steve; I'll initiate contact once I'm in a secure location.
Chin: That one too.

Funny quotes of the day #104

2011-01-14T11:02:00.004-05:00

[from Psych]

Lassiter: What do you two know about street racing anyway?

Shawn: Only what we learned from The Fast and The Furious. So... everything.

[from Psych]

(Shawn just raced Tommy using his dad’s truck and came close to winning)

Tommy: Wow! That’s some of the craziest stuff I’ve seen in a long time.

Shawn: Woooo!

Tommy: You know, you two got a lot of balls.

Shawn: Four, actually. And a phantom one that I call Rigby.

[from Psych]

(everyone in the police station is laughing at Shawn and Gus as they walk by because they believed a man about an alien abduction)

Shawn: You know what Gus, I really don’t appreciate being snickered at. Never again are we investigating something related to one of our childhood obsessions.

Gus: What if there’s a pop rocks murder?

Shawn: That is the exception.

Funny quotes of the day #103

2011-01-12T21:42:00.002-05:00

[from Psych]
Gus: How did you find me Shawn?
Shawn: I installed GPS parental controls on your phone.
Gus: Is that why it keeps beeping?
Shawn: It also tells me if you use your credit card to buy condoms, liquor, or glue.

[from Psych]
Shawn: Also, I put my favorite piece of art back on the wall.
Gus: It's not art, Shawn. It's a picture of a hot blonde laying on a Corvette that says "Haulin' Ass."
Shawn: If it's not art, why did I insure it for half a million dollars?
Gus: That's because you're an idiot.

Funny quotes of the day #102

2011-01-10T19:54:00.003-05:00

[from Psych]
Mr. Waring: Do you understand about honor, Mr. Spencer?
Shawn: Of course I do, I have a bootleg copy of Saving Private Ryan at home.

[from Psych]
Gus: Do you think it could be PTSD?
Shawn: I think it's slightly more serious than a mere menstrual issue.

[from Psych]
Major General Felts: I assume you realize this kind of idiocy will not be tolerated on my base!
Shawn: Is there another type of idiocy you would be more comfortable with?

Funny quotes of the day #101

2011-01-03T13:36:00.003-05:00

[from Psych]
Gus: Look at this class. You're all a bunch of dudes!
Student: Umm, we're girls.
Shawn: That's awkward.

[from Psych]
(Shawn writing the symbol of the restaurant of Gus's hand)
Gus: Antonio's
Shawn: Sweet!
Gus: Why did you write on my hand?
Shawn: Why would I write it on my own hand? This thing is totally permanent.

[from Psych]
Henry: 6:00 am, sharp.
Shawn: No, it's too early.
Gus: How about 9:00?
Henry: 9:00 is a little late.
Shawn: C'mon, guys, let's be reasonable. Just split the difference, okay? Call it 11:15.
Henry: 6:00 it is.

Funny quotes of the day #100

2011-01-02T20:47:00.005-05:00

Happy 100th Funny Quotes of the Day! :)

[from Psych]
Thrift Store Guy: I've gone to jail for less than you.
Gus: Jail's no fun. I'll tell you that much.
Thrift Store Guy: Oh, you've been?
Gus: Once. In Monopoly.

[from Psych]
Shawn: Good morning detectives…collecting donations for the policeman's ball?
Lassiter: We don't have balls.
Shawn: I honestly have no response to that.

[from Psych]
Shawn: Dad I'm confused, these are plans for a wet bar.
Henry: Yeah, that's right, for entertaining.
Shawn: Right, but I don't see anywhere in the plans, the portal into 1976.

[from Psych]
Chief: We will meet at the Home Depot tomorrow.
Agent Ewing: Let's say 0700 hours.
Shawn: 700 hours is almost 20 days. Shouldn't we act sooner?

Funny quotes of the day #99

2010-02-21T19:25:00.001-05:00

[from The Office]
Pam: There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "What if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?" He said, "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

[from The Office]
Michael: Oh, my God, Pam, those make you look so ugly. Umm, Pam, in order to get hotter, you take the glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction.
Pam: I don't have my contacts.
Michael: (jibberish) I can't even hear you. It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist.

Funny quotes of the day #98

2010-02-16T16:30:00.004-05:00

[from Still Standing]
Linda: You're prepared to talk to [Lauren] about sex?
Bill: (stunned) Huh?
Judy: Sex, Bill. Don't be afraid of the word, you might have to use it up there.
Linda: (gloating) And penis and vagina.
Bill: I won't have to use the p- and v-words. I can just say 'Patrick' and 'Virginia.'
Judy: I don't think you're ready to have this talk with our daughter.
Bill: Why not?
Linda: Because you're a big 'Virginia.'

[from Still Standing]
Brian: Look dad, I know you didn't want to have a dry Super Bowl party, but I think it's really cool you're seeing this through.
Linda: Maybe next month you can give up stupid.

[from Still Standing]
Judy: Bill, why don't you fill up Tina's humidifier? I end up filling it every time.
Bill: I think you just answered your own question.

Funny quotes of the day #97

2010-02-15T22:19:00.005-05:00

[from The Office]
Michael: Hi children. I'm Michael Scott, and I am in charge of this place. Uhh...how do I make you understand... I am like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
Jim and Dwight: That's Batman.
Michael: Ok, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live guys?
Jim: The ocean.
Michael: I work with a bunch of nerds.

[from The Office]
Jim: How was your meeting with Michael?
Dwight: None of your business.
Jim: Was it your scores?
Dwight: These can't be my scores, Jim. For your information... I'm being sabotaged.
Jim: Of course.
Dwight: And I'm going to find that person and punish him.
Jim: Absolutely. Or, you could just be nice to your customers.
Dwight: You're an idiot.
Jim: There's the charm.

[from The Office]
Ryan: Did you see Saw?
Dwight: Of course I see-saw. I see-saw all the time.
Ryan: No, uh, the movie, did you see the movie Saw?
Dwight: Oh, yeah, great film. Almost as much fun as a see-saw.

Funny quotes of the day #96

2010-02-08T16:36:00.003-05:00

[from Modern Family]
Mitchell: Hey, Cam, does the gardener usually work on Saturdays?
Cameron: I don't know. he comes when we need him. He's like Batman, but straight. (Looks towards window) Is he crying?
Mitchell: Oh, yeah. We should probably...probably go out the back, huh?
Cameron: He's clearly in pain. How could you just turn your back on a friend like that?
Mitchell: A friend? Really? Yeah. What's his name?
Cameron: Caesar Sal...azar.
Mitchell: You made that up. You were gonna say Caesar Salad.

[from NCIS]
(Dr. Shore is looking at a picture of Cook)
Dr. Shore: Oh yes, I remember him. A walk in. Showed up, wanted his teeth cleaned, then he left.
McGee: Did you notice anything unusual?
Dr. Shore: Only that he had about the most perfect teeth I'd ever seen.
Ziva: We heard from the last two dentists we've visited.
Dr. Shore: Yeah, well...working on him was almost orgasmic.
McGee: Didn't really need to hear that.
Dr. Shore: His retro molar pad was shaped just like a renaissance's bosom.
McGee: Okay uh, we're gonna go.

[from NCIS]
(McGee and Abby walk into the lab)
Abby: It's definitely the dirty kind. I found traces of cobalt-60 on all the evidence Tony and Ziva brought in.
(McGee looks at her yellow hazmat suit she's wearing)
McGee: Is it safe?
Abby: Oh! Yeah, totally. This was just way too cool to take off. And I like the sound it makes when I move.
(Abby starts to do the robot)

Funny quotes of the day #95

2010-01-30T15:19:00.003-05:00

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Lily: Hey, guys, good news. First of all, you can ignore all the e-mails and texts we've sent you.
Robin: We have. Go on.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Lily: At tomorrow's game, if you're anything less than a teddybear stuffed with cotton-candy and rainbows, I will silent-treatment your ass into the ground. You will think the time I found your Internet search history was a picnic.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Ted: I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
Marshall: No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing: Number one, supervolcano; Number two, an asteroid hits the earth; Number three, all footage of Evil Knievel is lost; Number four, Ted calls Karen; Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.
Lily: I'm Lily, and I approve the order of that list.

Funny quotes of the day #94

2010-01-13T20:55:00.003-05:00

[from Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]
Buck: Are you ready for adventure?
Crash, Eddie: Yes, sir!
Buck: For danger?
Crash, Eddie: Yes, sir!
Buck: For death?
Eddie: Uhh, can you repeat the question?

[from Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]
Sid: [to the baby dinosaur] Spit out little Johnny or we're leaving the playground right now!
[the baby dinosaur spits up a bird]
Sid: There you go. The picture of health.
Aardvark Mom: That's not little Johnny!
Sid: Hey, it's better than nothing.

Funny quotes of the day #93

2010-01-07T22:15:00.004-05:00

[from Criminal Minds]
Trailer Park Manager: What the hell do you want? Can't you read?
Reid: I'm not a salesman. I'm with the FBI.
Trailer Park Manager: FBI? You're not serious! You look like a pipe cleaner with eyes. I could snap you like a twig.

[from Criminal Minds]
Morgan: I don't know how I could forget a face like hers.
Reid: You've been with so many girls you can't remember all their names?
Prentiss: Oh, come on, are you surprised?
Morgan: This has never happened to me before!
Reid: It has never happened to me before either.
Prentiss: If can't happen to you; you have an eidetic memory.
Morgan: And besides, you've only got one name to remember.

Funny quotes of the day #92

2009-12-14T22:43:00.003-05:00

[from Criminal Minds]
Elle: (complaining) Gideon, will you tell him that I don't need to go to the hospital?
Gideon: Regulations are regulations. You're all right?
Elle: Yeah, I'm fine, 'dad.'
Gideon: Elle?
Elle: Yeah?
Gideon: Don't ever call me 'dad' again. (walks away)
Elle: (to Reid) What do you think he'd feel about 'mom?'
Reid: Let me know when you're going to do that so I can run.

[from Criminal Minds]
Elle: Um, Reid, you probably saved my life in there.
Reid: Probably? I totally saved your life. (smiles) And I'm pretty certain that it was caught on tape.

Funny quotes of the day #91

2009-10-11T20:19:00.002-04:00

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Barney: Guess who just got four tickets to the "Origins of Chewbacca" Star Wars exhibit?
Lily: Why?
Barney: No, I said, "Guess who?"
Lily: I heard you.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Barney: How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple! The rules for girls are the same as the rules for gremlins.
Ted: Gremlins?
Barney: Gremlins. Rule number one: Never get them wet. In other words, don’t let her take a shower at your place. Number two: Keep them away from sunlight, i.e. don't ever see them during the day. And rule number three: Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over, and you don’t have breakfast with her. Ever.

Funny Quotes of the Day #90

2009-09-05T15:55:00.004-04:00

[from Wizards of Waverly Place]
Harper: (about Justin dating Miranda) It's so totally obvious that he's dating her because she looks like me!
Alex: Yeah, you both have...faces.

[from Wizards of Waverly Place]
(About Justin)
Harper: He's so cute. I never know what to say to him.
Alex: Just talk about current events. He loves current events.
Justin: Hey guys.
Harper: Alex failed her Spanish mid-term!
Alex: Not that current!

[from Wizards of Waverly Place]
Theresa: Don't worry, I'm gonna help you with your espanol.
Alex: That's fine, but I really need help with my Spanish, too.
Theresa: Espanol is Spanish.
Alex: Espanol's Spanish for what?

Funny Quotes of the Day #89

2009-05-28T22:35:00.002-04:00

[from The Office]
Michael: So, what kind of ice cream do you want? Yell it out!
Meredith: Chunky Monkey.
Michael: Too expensive.
Stanley: Chocolate.
Michael: Racism is dead, Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want!

[from The Office]
Pam: And one time I walked in on [Michael] naked... and his thing is so small—
Kevin: How small is it?
Pam: If it were an iPod, it would be a Shuffle!

[from The Office]
David: Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?
Dwight: I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie. And it turns out, it's pretty realistic.
David: We had to pay for it—cost us thirty-five hundred dollars.
Michael: Five thousand, three hundred dollars for a dummy?

Funny Quotes of the Day #88

2009-05-27T12:51:00.004-04:00

[from NCIS]
Ziva: I feel like I know him from somewhere.
Tony: Mossad?
Ziva: Maybe.
Tony: Online dating service?
Ziva: (grabs a paperclip) I will kill you 18 different ways with this paperclip.

[from NCIS]
Abby: I found this, in his left trouser pocket. It's organic.
Gibbs: Illegal?
Abby: We could smoke it and find out.

[from NCIS]
McGee: The blood starts at the ping-pong table.
Tony: Beer pong.
McGee: Huh?
Tony: Oh, this is tragic. Don't tell me you never played beer pong before, Probie.
McGee: Nope, never.
Tony: What did you do at MIT?
McGee: Studied.
Tony: That figures.

Funny Quotes of the Day #87

2009-05-13T10:21:00.003-04:00

[from Castle]
(Castle is getting ready to make the drop-off)
Beckett: Be careful, okay?
Castle: Do I detect actual concern for my well-being?
Beckett: Screw this up, and I'll kill you.
Castle: That's more like it.

[from The Office]
Michael: Accounting, I am 'accounting' on you to have lunch with me.

[from The Office]
Michael: Dwight, let me make something clear to you. I set the rules, and you follow them—blindly.

[from The Office]
Creed: I wanna set you up with my daughter.
Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed: I don't know.

Funny Quotes of the Day #86

2009-03-20T12:27:00.004-04:00

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Sweetie, why don't you just tell me what's wrong?
Mark: Nothing's wrong! And don't call me sweetie.
Jill: But I always call you sweetie.
Mark: That's because you wanted me to be a girl.
Jill: Who told you that?
Mark: Brad and Randy.
Jill: Well, they're grounded for a week.

[from Home Improvement]
Al: I thought you said you wouldn't talk about your personal life on the show.
Tim: Well, does this mean anything to you? (shows him crossed fingers)
Al: How would you feel if I talked about my personal life on the show?
Tim: When you get one, you can!

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Having a baby is a big deal. It's up there with putting in a new sprinkler system.

Funny Quotes of the Day #85

2009-03-18T20:01:00.002-04:00

[from Castle]
Castle: So. Looks like I managed to make it through the case without getting injured, shot or killed.
Kate: Yeah, well, maybe tomorrow.

[from Castle]
Alexis: How come we never had a nanny?
Castle: Well, your mother and I decided if someone was going to screw you up, we wanted it to be me.

Funny Quotes of the Day #84

2009-03-16T22:18:00.003-04:00

[from Castle]
Kate: No signs of struggle. He knew her.
Lanie: Even bought her flowers. Who says romance is dead?
Kate: I do. Every Saturday night.
Lanie: A little lipstick wouldn't hurt.

[from Castle]
(while being held at gun point)
Kate: Castle, you okay?
Castle: Yeah, but this psycho here needs a breath mint.

Funny Quotes of the Day #83

2009-03-02T12:08:00.004-05:00

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Lily: Ted, if you murder me and bury me in New Jersey, I'll haunt you forever.
Ted: But if I murder you and bury you somewhere else?
Lily: Then I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
(after calling Robin, leaving a weird sound)
Barney: She wasn't there. I left a voice-mail.
Lily: You left a voice, but it wasn't male.

Funny Quotes of the Day #82

2009-02-14T23:57:00.005-05:00

[from Bones]
Booth: Ok, if you can't see the guy's face, maybe you can clear up a reflection.
Zack: That's a workable idea.
Booth: Well, I'd say thanks, you know, if you didn't say it like it was some kind of a miracle.

[from The Office]
(Jim and Dwight are looking for a birthday theme)
Jim: Okay, so far our ideal party consists of: beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood, touch-football, mating, characids, and, yes, horse hunting.
Dwight: You are right. Forget horse hunting, it's stupid.

[from The Office]
(Dwight lights firecrackers in the smoky office)
Andy: Oh, my God, the fire's shooting at us!

Funny Quotes of the Day #81

2009-02-10T21:44:00.003-05:00

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Ted: Almighty TiVo, we thank you for all the gifts you have given us. The power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of godlike. Let's not forget fast forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, oh Magic Box. But if you malfunction and miss the Superbowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats. Amen.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Ted: Come on, you were only 16 when you had sex, I was 17...
Marshall: You were 18.
Ted: Barney was probably 12.
Barney: Good one Ted. I was six..ff..four..how old were you again?
Ted: 17.
Barney: Dude, me too!

Funny Quotes of the Day #80

2009-02-01T22:16:00.004-05:00

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Ted: I had the most amazing night ever.
Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like 'Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down.'

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Marshall: For as much as we know about the cockamouse, there are still so much we don't know.
Robin: Well, we know that there's no such thing as a cockamouse. What we don't know is what you guys have been smoking.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Marshall: No, it wasn't a cockroach, it had fur. And only mammals have fur.
Lily: It was a cockroach.
Marshall: Come on Lily, the only way it was a cockroach was if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
Lily (horrified at the thought): Oh my god!

Funny quotes of the day #79

2009-01-05T19:38:00.005-05:00

[from Stargate Atlantis]
Sheppard: So, he's made mistakes in the past. Who hasn't?
McKay: Why are you looking at me?!

[from Stargate Atlantis]
(after walking underwater to a Wraith hive ship in water suits)
Sheppard: That took too long.
McKay: Yeah, well, I probably won’t be able to disarm the self-destruct in time anyway, so we’re really not in a rush.
Sheppard: Why don’t we find it first, and then you can be negative.

[from Stargate Atlantis]
McKay: Can I please have someone else do these?
Weir: Performance evaluations?
McKay: Yes.
Weir: No, year end employee reviews are important. They help people get promotions and raises.
McKay: Look, asking me to do performance evaluations is ridiculous. I am the first to admit I don't know who these people are nor do I care to. Look, if you like, I could take you down the hall to the labs and just point to the people who annoy me more than the rest, but that's about as useful as I get.

Funny Quotes of the Day #78

2008-12-09T22:21:00.002-05:00

[from Stargate Atlantis]
Beckett: He fainted.
McKay: Oh, there's gotta be a better word for it!
Beckett: 'Faint' is a proper medical term!
McKay: I passed out from...manly hunger!

[from Stargate Atlantis]
Sheppard: You seem nervous.
McKay: No, I'm part of this team. I'm doing this.
Sheppard: Yes, you are. I just said you seem nervous.
McKay: Oh, really? I thought you said 'Rodney, you don't have to do this.'

[from Stargate Atlantis]
McKay: Maybe we should offer a sense of humor in trade…
Sheppard: Sure… they can have yours.
McKay: (laughing) Ah, hahaha, oh, please my side… you slay me.
Sheppard: On second thought…

[from Stargate Atlantis]
Weir: The city can handle that?
McKay: Yes. Theoretically.
Sheppard: Like 'dinosaurs turned into birds' theoretically or theory of relativity theoretically?
McKay (looks confused): What? Um, somewhere between.

[from Stargate Atlantis]
McKay: (explaining why Sheppard has to take the farthest grounding station) I need to get done quickly so I can start working on the subroutines, and Elizabeth was complaining about her knee the other day so...
Sheppard: Wait, whoa, w-wait a second. Are these things even close to a transporter?
McKay: Uh, yes, Elizabeth's is.
Sheppard: And mine?
McKay: Uh, it's a brisk walk away.
Sheppard: And by 'brisk' you mean... far?
McKay: And, by 'walk' I mean 'run'.

Funny Quotes of the Day #77

2008-12-04T11:49:00.001-05:00

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: Okay, how do we go about this…this whole P.I. thing? Do we just jam the gun in the suspect's mouth and say, "Sing, canary, or I'm gonna decorate this wallpaper with your guts"?
Ned: Neither. Technically, I don't believe you can blow someone's guts out their mouth.
Olive: Wuss.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Chuck: Dwight might not have been the nicest man, but everybody deserves a burial with dignity.
Emerson: Fine, I got buttloads of dignity to sprinkle on the ground. Come on. Get holy.
Chuck: Thank you.
Emerson: Here lies Dwight. Here lies his gun. He was bad. Now he's done. Let's go

Funny Quotes of the Day #76

2008-10-18T21:46:00.003-04:00

[from The Office]
Ryan: Jim, I wanted to apologize for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and, now that I've quit the rat race, I've realized there's so much more to life than becoming the company's youngest V.P. in history. I've even started volunteering, giving back to the community.
Jim: Ah, that's great. You're talking about your court-ordered community service?
Ryan: I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
Jim: But he did, right?

[from The Office]
Jim: [using diagram] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor, and Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through... [draws question mark] delusion.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: Why'd you bring him here when you said you wouldn't?
Emerson: I need Pie-Boy's special skill set and Pie-Girl comes with Pie-Boy.
Olive: Why isn't Pie-Girl minding the Pie-Hole?
Emerson: Because she's rather be minding his. Besides, he hired a new waitress. Brandy. Candy. I don't know. Somebody named after booze or food...

Funny Quotes of the Day #75

2008-08-31T23:32:00.002-04:00

[from The Office]
Michael: Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

[from The Office]
Kevin: Oh well, if they aren't together now then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB and J: Pam Beesly and Jim. What a waste! What. A. Waste.

[from The Office]
[discussing the accident]
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so double jeopardy. We're fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is "we're fine"?

[from The Office]
Michael: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's what I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like—a fake brother who steals your jeans.

Funny Quotes of the Day #74

2008-08-24T23:10:00.001-04:00

[from Dan in Real Life]
Jane Burns: [about driving] If you don't let me, I'll never learn.
Dan Burns: But if I let you, you might not live.

[from Dan in Real Life]
Cara Burns: You don't have to worry because when it comes to sex, Marty is the one that wants to wait.
Dan Burns: What part of that sentence is supposed to give me comfort?

[from Dan in Real Life]
Dan Burns: I ordered a muffin... [takes a large, tall-based muffin from the bag] But I think they gave me a small planet.

Funny Quotes of the Day #73

2008-05-22T22:18:00.002-04:00

[from NCIS]
Ziva: Still think the Director is on one of your booty calls?
Tony: If there's a sock on the doorknob, you're knocking...

[from NCIS]
Abby: [to Jimmy] You chased a crazy guy with a gun! You're a studmuffin! You're an iron fist with a velvet glove... you're baby Gibbs!

[from NCIS]
Abby: One time I got my lip stuck in a vacuum cleaner display at the department store. I lost like a quart of saliva before my cousin pulled the plug. Still have nightmares about it. Can't be alone with a HEPA filter.
Palmer: How old were you?
Abby: Twenty-two. It was like Fat Tuesday or Arbor Day.

Funny Quotes of the Day #72

2008-05-17T17:35:00.002-04:00

[from Spongebob Squarepants]
[after Squidward tells them he's Claustrophobic]
Patrick: What does Claustrophobic mean?
SpongeBob: It means you're afraid of Santa Claus.
Patrick: Ho Ho Ho!!!
SpongeBob: Stop it, Patrick. You're scaring him!

[from One Tree Hill]
Mia [to Peyton]: So am I allowed to ask what's going on with you and Lucas? Or is that like saying 'Voldemort'?

Funny Quotes of the Day #71

2008-05-11T14:12:00.006-04:00

[from the Bill Engvall Show]
Bill: You are not getting your belly button pierced, young lady.
Lauren: Why? How is a naval piercing any different than an ear piercing?
Bill: Because when you wear earrings, boys look up here. [Bill points to his head]

[from the Bill Engvall Show]
Susan: You three, grounded.
Lauren: What?
Susan: Up to your rooms, no TV, no cell phone, no iPod, no videogames.
Trent: What are we supposed to do?
Susan: Read!
Trent: No, seriously?

Funny Quotes of the Day #70

2008-05-10T22:49:00.003-04:00

[from George Lopez]
[George is talking to Angie over the phone]
George: I'm in jail.
Angie: YOU'RE IN JAIL?!
Carmen: Dad's in jail?
Max: Wow, he finally killed Grandma. [to Carmen] You're next.

[from George Lopez]
[George gets released after an afternoon in jail]
Angie: So how was it?
George: Well, the food sucked, nobody would talk to me, and I was afraid to go to sleep... so it was a little better than my childhood.

[from George Lopez]
Carmen: So what if I get a scholarship from Harvard? Can I accept that?
Angie: No! You'll have to raise Max because your father and I will have died from shock!!

[from George Lopez]
Benny: I took you to Disneyland once but you were too young to enjoy it.
George: Why don't I remember it?
Benny: Because I hadn't had you yet.

Funny Quotes of the Day #69

2008-04-22T19:48:00.001-04:00

[from Still Standing]
Linda: It's so nice to see you guys have finally taken an interest in junior high. Only took you 25 years!
Bill: When you have kids, I'm sure you and donor sample 3256 will feel the same way we do.

[from Still Standing]
Tina: [listening to phone] Brian's talking to a girl.
Judy: Tina, that's not nice. It's a private phone conversation.
Tina: He's reading her a poem.
Judy: Oh, let me hear!

Funny Quotes of the Day #68

2008-04-16T10:26:00.002-04:00

[from NCIS]
Abby: Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.
McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog that attacked me?
Abby: Maybe because dog is man's best friend or maybe because I am a forensic scientist, and I could boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace. [McGee stares then takes out his wallet]

[from NCIS]
Ducky: When did you last have a tetanus shot?
McGee: Probably after that time Dicky Newsome and I were fighting over the galactic hunt Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Tony: So... last year some time?

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: What do we got?
Tony: [watching a tape of a guy eating Funyuns] A sudden urge to hit the vending machines.

Funny Quotes of the Day #67

2008-04-02T12:54:00.001-04:00

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: You buy lots of things without asking me.
Jill: Like what?
Tim: This couch.
Jill: How can you compare that to season tickets? I bought this couch because we needed a place to sit.
Tim: That's why I bought the tickets. I wanna go to the game, I need a place to sit!

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: You are completely unwilling to compromise.
Tim: I don't even know the meaning of the word compromise.
Jill: You don't know the meaning of a lot of words.
Tim: And don't you forget it!

Funny Quotes of the Day #66

2008-03-24T14:16:00.002-04:00

[from Home Improvement]
Mr. Leonard [about retirement]: The only good thing about it is the set of golf clubs they gave me.
Tim: I didn't know you played golf.
Mr. Leonard: I don't, I melted them down and made a lamp.
Tim: Hey, I melt down gifts all the time.
Randy: And not always on purpose.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Wilson, if a boulder fell on you, would you want me to move it?
Wilson: It depends. Are you the reason the boulder fell on me?
Tim: That doesn't matter.
Wilson: It does to me. I'm the one under the boulder.
Tim: Let's say it's my fault. If I helped you move it, would you still be a man?
Wilson: I guess that would depend on what part of me was crushed by the boulder.

Funny Quotes of the Day #65

2008-03-05T13:15:00.002-05:00

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: The rental house manager has guaranteed me that I have the scariest looking costume that they have ever had.
Tim: They've got a costume that looks like you at 7 A.M.?

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Every time we make an appointment with the lawyer, we end up cancelling, usually because you come down with some bizarre physical ailment.
Tim: I do not.
Jill: Last time we didn't go because your hair hurt.

[from Still Standing]
Brian: Are you guys buying Stones tickets? I thought Mom already got some.
Bill: She did, but I stole them out of her gym bag to prove I'm a million times smarter than she is.
Brian: That doesn't make sense.
Bill: Then I lost them.
Brian: That does.

Funny Quotes of the Day #64

2008-02-27T17:45:00.003-05:00

[from Still Standing]
Bill: Why did I marry for looks instead of money?
Judy: Why did I marry for neither?

[from Still Standing]
[Linda takes off her coat to reveal a low-cut dress]
Judy: Hey, what's with the get-up?
Linda: I just dropped Perry off at the airport. He had to go back to Reno.
Judy: And you wanted him to be able to see your boobs from there?

[from Still Standing]
Bill: [on karaoke] You don't want [Judy] singing any more than I do. She's terrible. When she sings, angels die.

Funny Quotes of the Day #63

2008-02-22T16:38:00.004-05:00

[from Supernatural]
[Sam and Dean are in jail]
Henrickson: I mean, after all, seeing you two in chains...
Dean: You kinky son of a bitch, we don't swing that way.

[from Supernatural]
Henrickson: So, turns out demons are real.
Dean: F.Y.I.--ghosts are real, too. So are werewolves, vampires, changelings, evil clowns that eat people.
Henrickson: Okay, then.
Dean: If it makes you feel better, Bigfoot's a hoax.
Henrickson: It doesn't.

[from Supernatural]
[Nancy and the deputy are in hiding during the battle]
Nancy: When this is over, I'm gonna have so much sex [looks at him] but not with you.

Funny Quotes of the Day #62

2008-02-09T21:27:00.001-05:00

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: I thought you said it was a technical problem!
Tim: Technically...I was the problem.

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: I found a piece of broccoli in Randy's dirty's clothes.
Tim: Hmm, either he's hiding it or he's not digesting it properly...

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: You're the transgressor.
Tim: I never wear your clothes!

[from Reba]
Reba: People suffer Cheyenne.
[Jake walks by in the living room, trying to get by without being noticed, but his tap shoes, make alot of noise]
Reba: Some of us more than others.

[from Reba]
Barbara Jean [to Reba, asking about the tape she made]: Oh, you didn't say anything bad about me, did you?
Reba: THAT'S what I forgot!

Funny Quotes of the Day #61

2008-02-08T14:09:00.000-05:00

[from Home Improvement]
[after talking to Brad about marijuana]
Jill: Do you remember when the biggest problem we had with Brad was toilet training?
Tim: Well it makes sense. We couldn’t get him on the pot and now we’re trying to get him off the pot.

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Tim, we talked about it and I agreed you were right.
Tim: Yeah, and another...did she just say I was right?
Randy: Well, she didn't use your name specifically.
Tim: It doesn't matter. This is huge!

Funny Quotes of the Day #60

2008-02-04T11:44:00.000-05:00

[from Supernatural]
Dean: I hate witches. They're all spewing their body liquids everywhere. It's creepy. Hell, it's downright unsanitary!

[from Home Improvement]
Brad: I hate math. I'd rather hit myself in the head with a hammer.
Tim: Don't be so sure, it really hurts.

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Al wouldn't date for money.
Tim: He'd date for an onion ring.

Funny Quotes of the Day #59

2008-01-10T18:10:00.000-05:00

[from The Office]
Jim: I think it’s great that the company’s making a commercial because not very many people have heard of us. I mean when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin , they think that we sell mufflers or muffins, or mittens and frankly, all of those sound better than paper so, I let it slide.

[from The Office]
[earlier, Michael hit Meredith with his car]
Jim: One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.

Funny Quotes of the Day #58

2007-12-30T19:22:00.000-05:00

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
[looking for a new tenant]
Sharon: I'm leaning towards Max Larson.
Berg: No way! He lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows.
Sharon: So? He likes his privacy.
Berg: Yes, because he's a serial killer!

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Pete: No relationship could possibly end worse then this one.
Berg: I love a challenge.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Sharon: I’m on a juice diet, I’m cleansing my system.
Berg: Do you have any idea how many innocent carrots had to die for you to be regular?

Funny Quotes of the Day #57

2007-12-23T20:14:00.000-05:00

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Berg: Babies love me.
Ashley: Well, why wouldn't they? You’re a boob.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Pete: We're playing the Bulls!
Berg: The Celtics are playing the Bulls. You...didn't make the team.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Pete: Where’s Ashley?
Berg: She went to bed.
Pete: Ah, I thought I heard a coffin close...

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Sharon: What happened to your hand?
Berg: I was so upset about the whole thing with Nicole that I punched a mailbox causing me physical pain and a possible federal crime.
Sharon: That’s the best you could come up with?
Berg: It’s better than ‘I was so upset I wrapped my hand in this bandage.’

Funny Quotes of the Day #56

2007-12-20T20:28:00.001-05:00

[from Still Standing]
Denise: [to Bill and Judy] You two have kids?
Brian: They're married, and they have three kids that the state obviously should have taken away years ago.

[from Still Standing]
Lauren: My friends and I heard Brian and his friends having so much fun downstairs that we decided to join them. What's so weird about that?
Judy: That girls were having fun with Brian and his friends [to Brian] No offense!
Brian: Lots taken.

[from Still Standing]
Ted: [to Bill and Judy] Look, it's time we all take responsibility for this. We need to set a better example.
Judy: Absolutely.
Ted: We need to be better role models.
Judy: I couldn't agree more.
Ted: We need to stop drinking.
Bill: You need to go now.

Funny Quotes of the Day #55

2007-12-19T20:06:00.000-05:00

[from Pushing Daisies]
Emerson: Sounds like you're a narcoleptic.
Ned: I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable attacks of deep sleep?
Emerson: What's the other one?
Ned: Necrophiliac.
Emerson: Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head.
Olive: Me too. I used to think "masturbation" meant chewing your food. [awkward silence] I don't think that anymore.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: What’s the poop?
Emerson: “The poop”?
Olive: Poop. Scoop. Skinny. The haps. The dillyo. The 411. P.I. lingo.
Emerson: Rhubarb.
Olive: What’s that mean?
Emerson: PI secret code for “Get me a damned slice of rhubarb.”

Funny Quotes of the Day #54

2007-12-13T20:23:00.000-05:00

[from Still Standing]
Bill: Miss Bodin—I can safely assume it is still Miss Bodin, can't I?
Miss Bodin: Mr. Miller—I can safely assume it's not Dr. Miller?

[from Still Standing]
Judy: [to Bill about Lauren] Pretend she's like the exerise bike in the garage and leave her alone.

[from Still Standing]
Bill: I can't believe I have to sit through 100 untalented kids to get to ours.

Funny Quotes of the Day #53

2007-12-12T09:37:00.000-05:00

[from NCIS]
Kate: Oh, that's really smart, Tony.
Tony: Any guy could’ve done it.
Kate: Guy? Learn to shut up when you're ahead.

[from NCIS]
Kate: Thanks for waiting, guys.
Gibbs: Chain of custody, Kate. You had to stay with the boat.
Kate: I'm not stupid, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Never said you were.
Kate: I didn't have to ride in the tow truck with that boat, now did I? You do this to all the newbies, or just the females?
Tony: Do we look like sexists?
Kate: Ask me who's buried in Grant's tomb. It's a tougher question.

[from NCIS]
Tony: If you're coming down with something, don't sit next to me in the truck.
Kate: There's an upside to getting a cold?

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: I don't want to be a nagging wife.
Tim: Then how will I recognize you?

Funny Quotes of the Day #52

2007-12-09T22:49:00.000-05:00

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: Rule Number Three: Don't believe what you're told. Always double check.
Kate: Should I write these rules on my Palm Pilot, or crochet them on pillows?

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: Hey - We're LEOs.
Dennis: And I'm a Capricorn.
Tony: LEO - short for Law Enforcement Officer.
Gibbs: You new at this, Dennis?
Dennis: Ah, first week. NCIS. Never heard of it.
Gibbs: That's embarrassing.
Dennis: NCIS anything like CSI?
Tony: Only if you're dyslexic.

Funny Quotes of the Day #51

2007-12-07T19:09:00.000-05:00

[from Still Standing]
Judy: Your son needs some advice. High school's tough.
Bill: No, it's not. It was a blast.
Judy: That was us, we were cool. Look at him, he needs help.
Brian: Mom, I'm sitting right here.

[from Still Standing]
Judy: Bill's gonna sign up for morning greeter.
Bill: I am?
Judy: Yes, you are. And you're signing your real name, not Pat McGroin.

Funny Quotes of the Day #50

2007-12-05T16:33:00.000-05:00

[from NCIS]
[after being shot at]
Tony [lying on top of Abby]: Are you hit?
Abby [having trouble breathing]: No... You're heavy!
Tony: Sorry.
Abby [feeling his leg]: My god, no wonder you're so heavy, Tony, you're all muscle!
Tony: Abby, shhh!
Abby: You're packing a nice booty too!
Tony: Is this how you deal with getting shot at?

[from NCIS]
Tony: Massages?
Abby: Many kinds.
Tony: Uh. Full body?
Abby: Places you could only dream of, DiNozzo.
Tony: Masseuses or masseur?
Abby: I go both ways. You?
Tony: Only with [phone rings, reads caller ID] Harris, my insurance agent.
Abby: Whatever works, man.

[from NCIS]
[McGee is describing his first car]
McGee: 84 Camira. 8 24Z high speed.
Tony: That’s a smoking hot car!
McGee: Yeah.
Tony: What the hell went wrong with you?

[from NCIS]
Abby: Do you think he's gonna want us to hang around?
McGee: I don't know. I can't imagine there's anything that can't wait 'til tomorrow.
Abby: Go ask him.
McGee: You ask him.
Abby: You're the "Special Agent".
McGee: No, he likes you more.
Abby: That's because I don't ask him stupid questions. Rock paper scissors?
McGee: On three.
Abby: One...two...
Gibbs: Something on your mind?
Abby/McGee: No.
Gibbs: You weren't thinking about leaving, were ya?
Abby: No
McGee: Absolutely not, no.

Funny Quotes of the Day #49

2007-12-03T22:45:00.000-05:00

[from NCIS]
Abby: Your hands my body now.
[Palmer massages Abby, Tony walks in]
Palmer: It wasn’t like that.
Tony: It never is. Now go you little autopsy gremlin. Get out of here!

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: Got a box of Honeydust last Christmas. No card.
Tony: Ah...I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their...

Funny Quotes of the Day #48

2007-12-01T15:40:00.001-05:00

[from NCIS]
[comparing two people]
Abby: Care to guess which fetish they have in common Kate?
Kate: No, no, I’m going to hell just listening to all this.

[from NCIS]
[talking about a suspect's record]
Abby: We're talking cleaner than clean, whiter than white! You put him in a lineup with snow, snow is going to jail!

Funny Quotes of the Day #47

2007-11-27T17:28:00.000-05:00

[from Still Standing]
Bill: [reading from report card] Miller, Brian: A in Econ Jannerman, A in English Cannerelli--
Brian: Dad, that second word is the teacher's last name.
Bill: Ah, then that would explain French Ho.

[from Will and Grace]
Karen: That is when I left home and never looked back.
Jack: Karen, this is not something you can run away from, it's not like a hotel bill or a crying baby.

[from Will and Grace]
Lois: You know what they say: 'Beer before wine, makes you feel fine. Wine before beer makes you feel queer.'
Karen: You! I should've known that nursery ryhme sounded familiar.

Funny Quotes of the Day #46

2007-11-24T16:56:00.000-05:00

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: DiNozzo. Where'd you learn how to write, China?
Kate: I'd say Egypt. Looks more like hieroglyphics.
Tony: Hey! You were in a rush to read it.
Gibbs: My mistake.

[from NCIS]
Tony: I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.

Funny Quotes of the Day #45

2007-11-23T20:10:00.000-05:00

[from NCIS]
Tony: This is going to suck.
Ziva: Stop complaining.
Tony: Sorry. No sleep tends to do that to me.
Ziva: I drove Tony. You could have slept all night if you wanted.
Tony: I tried but the orchestra of blaring car horns kept me awake.

[from NCIS]
[walking in the woods]
Ziva: This is not the time for sight seeing Tony!
Tony: The only sight I'm seeing is your butt!

Funny Quotes of the Day #44

2007-11-21T22:27:00.000-05:00

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: [pouring a drink] Look carefully, ladies; this is your future.
Lily: Is it vodka?
Olive: No, water.
Lily: As in Russian for vodka?

[from NCIS]
[McGee walks in wearing sunglasses]
Tony: Wait a second. I know that look. You had sex, and I am guessing it was with a girl.
McGee: No...
Tony: No it wasn't a girl?
McGee: No...it's none of your business.
Tony: If the Probie was probing last night, I demand details.

[from NCIS]
[Tony hits Ziva with a spitball]
Ziva: Don't you have paperwork, DiNozzo?
Tony: What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper, and I make it work.

Funny Quotes of the Day #43

2007-11-19T11:51:00.000-05:00

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: I'm still worried about Randy. After you pick up Mark, will you drive around and look for him?
Tim: Sure. I'll go around a city of six million going "Randy... Randy..."
Jill: Wait, take my cell phone. If you see him, call me, or if he comes back, I'll call you. Wait, what's my number?
Tim: Don't you know?
Jill: Well, I never call myself.
Tim: I never call you either. Why do we have this thing?

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Where's the station wagon, Brad?
Brad: Well, it is called a Nomad, maybe it wandered off.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: When I'm gone, you guys will be the men of the house, so you'll have to do what I normally do around here.
Randy: Electrocute ourselves and irritate Mom?
Tim: Those are big shoes to fill.

Funny Quotes of the Day #42

2007-11-18T11:10:00.000-05:00

[from NCIS]
[Gibbs and Abby are signing to each other]
Tony: You know, considering no one in this room is actually deaf, that's really annoying. [Gibbs signs something to Abby] Hey! That was about me, wasn't it?

[from NCIS]
Kate: When I'm a mother, I'm never letting my kids out of my sight.
Tony: Yeah? Well how do you plan on doing that?
Kate: GPS locator strapped to their ankle. Audio and video surveillance built into their clothes.
Tony: No, I mean the part about becoming a mother.

[from NCIS]
Kate: Oh, have you been working out?
Tony: All summer long...thanks for finally noticing.
Kate: No, I mean right now, 'cause you're sweating like a pig and it's not very attractive.

[from NCIS]
Tony: Hey. The only train in the area's an Amtrak. It left DC at 1620 and arrived Lorton 1730, average speed 65 miles an hour. Now, we know it passed our dirtbag at 1706, right? So...dammit. I owe Mrs. Powers an apology.
McGee: Who?
Tony: My tenth grade math teacher. I told her I'd never be able to use anything she taught us in real life.

Funny Quotes of the Day #41

2007-11-17T15:32:00.000-05:00

[from NCIS]
Tony: Boss, is there a reason why you always take these back roads?
Kate: Or do you just hate us?
Gibbs: I hate traffic more!
Tony: I think I’m going to puke.
Gibbs: Roll down a window.
[phone rings]
Gibbs: [hands phone to Kate] Here answer this.
Abby: Hey, Gibbs, it’s Abby...
Kate: Abby, it's Kate...you’re going to have to speak up. Gibbs is apparently trying to kill us!

[from NCIS]
Tony: Remember the good old days, Kate?
Kate: What good old days?
Tony: When Gibbs would confide in us and treat us like peers?
Kate: No.
Tony: Good. I thought I was the only one.

[from NCIS]
Tony: Rush hour. Kinda a misnomer if you ask me.
Gibbs: I didn’t.
Tony: I mean it’s not like anybody’s really rushing anywhere and it always takes more than an hour. They should call it, like…
Gibbs: Shut up and sit there before I shoot you hour!
Tony: I was thinking of something a little shorter...

Funny Quotes of the Day #40

2007-11-16T13:54:00.000-05:00

[from NCIS]
Tony: Six-letter word for a reason to commit a crime? Come on, don't tense up. Starts with "M."
Kate: Murder.
Tony: No. "Motive".
Kate: Murder is a motive.
Gibbs: What do you have?
Tony: A six-letter word for a reason to commit a crime.
Gibbs: DiNozzo!
Tony: That's seven letters.
Gibbs: Works for me. What have you got?

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: I've never lost an agent undercover. I'm not going to let Dinozzo screw that up.

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: You got him?
Abby: Are you honestly asking me that?
Gibbs: No Abs. I called to flirt.

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: Special Agents…
Saleena: Gibbs and Dinozzo from...uh... NCIS. How may I help you?
Gibbs: You're the psychic, you tell me?
Saleena: Brian McAllister, you found his remains in Black Lake.
Tony: Wow she's good Boss.
Gibbs: It's on the news Dinozzo.

Funny Quotes of the Day #39

2007-11-14T22:52:00.001-05:00

[from NCIS]
McGee: Ah, found it. See, the new SS7 data circuits, they block display of the number, but the calling party number message is still carried on the line.
Tony: I don't know what you just said, I don't care what you just said. Just give me the number.

[from NCIS]
Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time, when it didn't really go so well?
Gibbs: Yeah. I remember, DiNozzo.
Tony: Well, listen. I was younger then. Immature, a little unfocused...
Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.

[from NCIS]
Tony: I'm a man of action, Kate.
Kate: More like an action figure.
Tony: Why, you want to play with me?
Kate: As in you look good, but you really can't do much.
Tony: But I look good.

[from NCIS]
Kate: If we screw this up, I have a suggestion.
Tony: What?
Kate: We break into Gibbs's basement and we set his boat on fire.
Tony: That's cold, Kate. I knew there was a reason I liked you.

Funny Quotes of the Day #38

2007-11-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

[from NCIS]
Tony: Didn't become an NCIS agent yesterday, Kate. As a matter of fact, tomorrow--
Gibbs: Will have been two years.
Tony: That's kind of touching, Gibbs, remembering the day you hired me.
Gibbs: Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

[from NCIS]
Tony: You know Owens?
Gibbs: Nope.
Tony: Didn't think you would. He's considerably younger than you are.
Gibbs: What would you consider 'considerably'?
Tony: Well, the guy was young, Gibbs. Only 28. Makes him 37 now.
Gibbs: Then considerably would not be an accurate description.
Tony: I didn't realize, boss, how old are you?
Gibbs: Doesn't matter how old I am.
Tony: Well it does, actually, 'cause it gives me a reference point for the word that you were...
Gibbs: [irritated] Can I see the file?

Funny Quotes of the Day #37

2007-11-12T11:14:00.000-05:00

[from Friends]
Phoebe: My New Year's Resolution is to pilot a commercial jet plane.
Chandler: That's great Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a plane load of people whose resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

[from Friends]
Phoebe: Lily's dead.
Frank Sr.: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, if she isn't...cremating her was a big mistake.

[from Friends]
Joey: But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man.
Rachel: Exactly. Unisex.
Joey: Maybe you need sex, but I had sex a couple days ago.
Rachel: No, no, no. No, Joey. U-N-I-sex.
Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.

Funny Quotes of the Day #36

2007-11-10T10:48:00.000-05:00

[from Friends]
Joey: I play Dr. Drake Ramoray.
Sarah: I'm sorry, I don't own a TV.
Joey: You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?

[from Friends]
Monica: Honey, they have ping pong! Let's play!
Chandler: I don't think so!
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because you know how competitive you get and well, I say it's cute. Others disagree, and I'm lying!

[from Friends]
[talking about ping-pong]
Chandler: Okay, you've each won a game, and I've lost what feels like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.
Monica: Best two out of three?
Mike: That's what I'm thinking.
Chandler: Should I use my invisibility to fight crime, or for evil?

Funny Quotes of the Day #35

2007-11-09T12:05:00.000-05:00

[from Supernatural]
[about Bela]
Dean: Can I shoot her?
Sam: Not in public.

[from Supernatural]
Bela: What do you suggest?
Dean: I’m thinking…
Bela: Don’t strain yourself.

[from Supernatural]
Bela: You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex.
Dean: [after a long pause] Don't objectify me.

[from Supernatural]
Bela: [to Dean] I didn't want you thinking...you're not very good at that. Oh, look at you, searching for a witty rejoinder.
Dean: Screw you.
Bela: Very Oscar Wilde.

Funny Quotes of the Day #34

2007-11-08T11:32:00.000-05:00

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Come and say hello to your aunts.
Mark: Are they still going to pinch us, even though we're here for a funeral?
Tim: The sadder the occasion, the harder the pinch. See this scar here? My dad's funeral, Aunt Winnie, she took a chunk of flesh right out of my face.

[from Home Improvement]
Randy: I'll take public transportation.
Tim: Don't use your fancy words with me, it's called a bus!

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Half the time at church, you fall asleep.
Tim: But I'm in the building, so I get credit.

Funny Quotes of the Day #33

2007-11-06T17:52:00.000-05:00

[from Still Standing]
Judy: How did it go up there?
Bill: Judy, I'm the boy's father, how do you think it went?
Judy: Oh, my God, we've lost him forever.

[from Still Standing]
Judy: There's other ways I express myself without saying "I love you."
Louise: Name one.
Judy: You're still alive, aren't you?

Funny Quotes of the Day #32

2007-11-05T19:42:00.000-05:00

[from Still Standing]
Judy: Brian hit Tina.
Bill: Sounds like a fair fight--one hits like a girl, the other's Tina.

[from Still Standing]
Linda: God was lonely, and he needed a pet, so this morning he called on Nathaniel Pawthorne. And, uh, I like to think he's in a big park in the sky, chasing birds, and probably even playing with your old gerbil, Peanut.
Tina: Peanut's dead. He's in the ground and worms are eating him.
Linda: Who stole your soul!?

Funny Quotes of the Day #31

2007-11-04T10:18:00.000-05:00

[from The Office]
Michael: Do you know what it's like to be disabled?
Phyllis: I had scoliosis as a girl.
Michael: Never heard of it. No - a real disability. Not a woman's problem.

[from The Office]
[talking to a guy in a wheelchair]
Michael: Let me ask you something. How long does it take for you to do something simple? Everyday. Like brush your teeth in the morning.
Billy: I don't know, like, 30 seconds?
Michael: Oh my god. That's three times as long as it takes me.

Funny Quotes of the Day #30

2007-11-01T08:58:00.000-04:00

[from Still Standing]
Judy: [to Chris] I think it's great how you've accepted having two moms. And what's to accept? It's natural. In fact, it's better than natural; it's supernatural.
Brian: Mom, they're lesbians, not ghosts.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: Yesterday, a ferrier named Lucas Shoemaker was found dead. Trampled.
Emerson: Why should I care about a dude that sells fur coats?
Olive: Not a furrier, a ferrier.
Emerson: Fair-rier?
Olive: It's a blacksmith. Puts shoes on horses.
Emerson: Don't try to act like that's a word everybody knows.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Emerson: You can't die of evilness.
Chuck: Happens all the time, you do something mean or hurtful to someone like tell a secret... Bang! You're dead.
Olive: Or Bang! You're not really dead you're just pretending to be dead while other people who think you're dead are heartbroken.
Emerson: Or Bang! You talk too much and you both go wait in the car.

Funny Quotes of the Day #29

2007-10-31T12:03:00.000-04:00

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Sex is like a car. You gotta keep your car in your garage for a long time. When you finally bring it out, you gotta think car cover.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: You're mad at me because of something I did to you in a dream?
Jill: Dreams are a window into our subconscious.
Tim: Well, close the window and go back to bed!

[from Home Improvement]
[the boys are trying to stop Tim's snoring]
Brad: What if we hold his nose shut?
Randy: Then he'll breath through his mouth.
Brad: What if we hold his nose and mouth shut?
Randy: I think that's called murder.

Funny Quotes of the Day #28

2007-10-30T11:54:00.000-04:00

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: It's much safer for a man to have a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation.
Tim: Says who, the Wives With Knives Club?

[from Home Improvement]
Dr. Kaplan: The morning of your appointment you'd have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions.
Tim: Shave? Here?!
Dr. Kaplan: It's a routine procedure.
Tim: Not in my house it isn't! What do you think - I wake up, brush my teeth, comb my hair and shave ping and pong?!

Funny Quotes of the Day #27

2007-10-28T20:06:00.000-04:00

[from The Office]
Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate, because it turns out that Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

[from The Office]
[filling out forums at the hospital]
Michael: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight: Danger.
Michael: It's something with a "K"...
Jim: It's Kurt... wow, it's so sad that I know that.

[from The Office]
Dwight: OK. I'm going to have to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight: I go down to the police station, on my lunch break. I tell a police officer (I know several) what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way

Funny Quotes of the Day #26

2007-10-24T13:04:00.000-04:00

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Heidi is a co-worker. To me she's just Al with less facial hair and a better physique.
Jill: Yeah, I get them mixed up myself.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: [helping Mark with his homework] A pronoun is a noun that gets paid for what an amateur noun would do for free.

Funny Quotes of the Day #25

2007-10-23T17:47:00.000-04:00

[from Still Standing]
Bill: Why didn't we stop after one kid? [Brian walks in twirling his baton] Oh, that's right. I wanted a boy!

[from Still Standing]
Brian: [on his baton] I call it 'Wonder Boy.'
Bill: 'Cause when you twirl it, we wonder if you're a boy?

[from Still Standing]
Bill: You show up with a college girl, you'd be a legend in your high school.
Brian: The guys in twirling squad would lose it.
Bill: I don't think the guys in twirling squad are ever gonna lose it.

[from Still Standing]
Judy: Don't you think there's a little double-standard there?
Bill: Not at all. I have one standard for Brian and another different standard for Lauren. That way, they each get their own.
Judy: I was gonna say that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next.

Funny Quotes of the Day #24

2007-10-21T00:19:00.000-04:00

[from George Lopez]
[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]
George: From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

[from Pushing Daisies]
Emerson: That was the Truth bus.
Olive: That wasn't the Truth bus, that was the Bitchy Crosstown Express.

[from Pushing Daisies]
[while Emerson is stuck in a little window]
Chuck: Are you stuck?
Emerson: No.
Chuck: Yes you are! Like Winnie the Pooh. Give me your paws, Pooh.

Funny Quotes of the Day #23

2007-10-18T11:54:00.000-04:00

[from NCIS]
Ziva: And I’m driving you home. [holds up Tony's keys]
Tony: Probie?!
McGee: Uh, Ziva, actually I should probably drive him home tonight.
Ziva: Why is that?
Abby: Maybe he wants to live?

[from NCIS]
[examining Tony]
Ducky: There doesn’t seem to be any permanent damage. How many times did he hit you?
Tony: I wasn’t counting.
Ziva: 7 times.
Tony: She was of course.

Funny Quotes of the Day #22

2007-10-17T12:58:00.000-04:00

[from NCIS]
[Tony is setting up a romantic dinner for two in the middle of a parking lot]
Jeanne: This is like a scene from an old movie...wait a second...is this a scene from an old movie?
Tony: Ah...well that really depends.
Jeanne: On?
Tony: Have you ever seen the movie called Strangers in the Night with Cary Grant?
Jeanne: No, I don't think I have...
Tony: Then no, this is a completely original idea that I came up with all by myself!

[from NCIS]
Tony: Well you know you've been in the hospital too long when you've figured out the vending machine.

[from NCIS]
[after McGee walks in wearing scrubs]
Tony: If the clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?
Ziva: Male nurse?
Tony: Aqua Smurf.

Funny Quotes of the Day #21

2007-10-16T13:11:00.000-04:00

[from Hope and Faith]
[when cleaning out the attic]
Hope: We have to get rid of what we don't want.
Charley: You heard her, Faith. Get in the box.

[from Hope and Faith]
[while in court]
Hope: We're having a 5 minute recess.
Faith: Okay, where is this playground anyway?

[from Hope and Faith]
Hope: Aren't you afraid we can die up here?
Faith: No I went to go see a psychic. I'm going to live to be 95.
Hope: What about me?
Faith: Oh yeah...watch your step

[from Hope and Faith]
Faith: Shy sista, mean sista. Too scared to speak sista...in the eighth grade, wouldn't even give a peak, sista.