Funny quotes of the day #125

[from New Girl]
Nick: I can’t hear anything you say when you wear that sweater, Schmidt. You open your mouth and I just hear “Cardigan. Cardigan. I am wearing a cardigan.

[from New Girl]

Jess: She's going to be here soon. Nick, please put on some pants. Everything you say sounds really creepy when you're not wearing pants. 

Nick: Your hair looks nice. 

Jess/Winston: Ughh. 

Nick: This coffee is smoldering. 

Jess: Stop!

[later]

Jess: Oh, she's here. Nick-- pants! Or at least really high socks. 

Nick: High socks it is then!

Funny quotes of the day #124

[from Psych]
Henry: I think I should also work the case.

Vick: As what? A detective?
Henry: Nobody knows it better than I do. You can reinstate me this one time.
Lassiter: Come on, Henry, with all due respect, you can't just hop back in the game after all these years. There's been a lot of changes on the job.
Shawn: Lassie's right. For example, the bicycle is no longer just one giant wheel with a tiny one in back.
Gus: And now my people can vote.

[from Psych]

Shawn: Woodrow my good man.

Woodrow: Shawn! Always nice to see you walk through that door.

Shawn: Well let’s hope you never see me rolled in on a gurney.

Woodrow: Let’s, although I would be honored to saw through your chest and remove your good-natured heart from its cavity.

Shawn: I’m touched. Woody, in your professional opinion, how do I die?

Woodrow: Murder, Gangland-style execution. We never find your head.

Shawn: That’s a shame.

(Gus raises his hand to find out how he dies)

Woodrow: (to Gus) You slip in a tub.

Funny quotes of the day #123

[from The New Adventures of Old Christine]
Christine: I finally decided to get my act together.
Matthew: Oh, no, this isn't about your audition tape for So You Think You Can Dance is it?
Christine: No. Although I watched that tape again. I don't think I can dance. I can dance!

[from The New Adventures of Old Christine]
Christine: You were in love? Where was I?  
Matthew: Well, most of it happened after 9:00pm, so you were in bed.

Funny quotes of the day #122

[from The Big Bang Theory]
(Sheldon enters Raj's)
Leonard: Hey, I thought you were with your new buddies.
Sheldon: I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.

[from The Big Bang Theory]
(Wolowitz places keys in the door)
Mrs. Wolowitz: Who's there?! Are you a sex criminal?
Wolowitz: Sex criminals don't have keys, mom!

[from The Big Bang Theory]
Raj: Last night I had a dream we got so rich from the app, you and I bought matching, side-by-side mansions. But, there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard. What do you think that means?
Howard: It means after we play handball, I'm showering at home.

Funny quotes of the day #121

[from Glee]
Puck: This is what we call taking the high road, which I was shocked to learn has nothing to do with marijuana.

[from Glee]
Puck: You told him what we're gonna do. You're like a modern day Eggs Benedict.

[from Glee]
Sue: Why would someone assume I'm a friend of Ellen just because I'm manish and I have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girls' sport and I married myself?

[from Glee]
Blaine: If you would stop being so defensive...
Santana: I'm trying. But your hideous bowties are provoking me.

Funny quotes of the day #120

[from New Girl]
Nick: I'm fantastic at sex!
Winston: You're scared to get a haircut!
Nick: Yeah, I don't like getting a haircut, it's too intimate. What does that have to do with sex?

[from New Girl]
[talking about sex]
Nick: I was sixteen! I have gotten a lot better!
Schmidt: You haven't gotten that much better. I used to listen to you and Caroline all the time when we were in college. It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner. "Are you okay? Yeah. Are you okay? Yeah."

Funny quotes of the day #119

[from New Girl]
Cece: (about Nick) And did you see his feet? Guy's feet point at what they want. His feet were pointing right at you.
Jess: Why wouldn't his feet point at me? Otherwise, he's standing like a duck.

[from New Girl]
Nick: No, I don't dance. I'm from the town in Footloose.

[from New Girl]
Jess: No! He's here early, how do I look?
Schmidt: It's better if you don't know.