[from the Bill Engvall Show]
Bill: You are not getting your belly button pierced, young lady.
Lauren: Why? How is a naval piercing any different than an ear piercing?
Bill: Because when you wear earrings, boys look up here. [Bill points to his head]
[from the Bill Engvall Show]
Susan: You three, grounded.
Lauren: What?
Susan: Up to your rooms, no TV, no cell phone, no iPod, no videogames.
Trent: What are we supposed to do?
Susan: Read!
Trent: No, seriously?
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Funny Quotes of the Day #70
[from George Lopez]
[George is talking to Angie over the phone]
George: I'm in jail.
Angie: YOU'RE IN JAIL?!
Carmen: Dad's in jail?
Max: Wow, he finally killed Grandma. [to Carmen] You're next.
[from George Lopez]
[George gets released after an afternoon in jail]
Angie: So how was it?
George: Well, the food sucked, nobody would talk to me, and I was afraid to go to sleep... so it was a little better than my childhood.
[from George Lopez]
Carmen: So what if I get a scholarship from Harvard? Can I accept that?
Angie: No! You'll have to raise Max because your father and I will have died from shock!!
[from George Lopez]
Benny: I took you to Disneyland once but you were too young to enjoy it.
George: Why don't I remember it?
Benny: Because I hadn't had you yet.
[George is talking to Angie over the phone]
George: I'm in jail.
Angie: YOU'RE IN JAIL?!
Carmen: Dad's in jail?
Max: Wow, he finally killed Grandma. [to Carmen] You're next.
[from George Lopez]
[George gets released after an afternoon in jail]
Angie: So how was it?
George: Well, the food sucked, nobody would talk to me, and I was afraid to go to sleep... so it was a little better than my childhood.
[from George Lopez]
Carmen: So what if I get a scholarship from Harvard? Can I accept that?
Angie: No! You'll have to raise Max because your father and I will have died from shock!!
[from George Lopez]
Benny: I took you to Disneyland once but you were too young to enjoy it.
George: Why don't I remember it?
Benny: Because I hadn't had you yet.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Funny Quotes of the Day #69
[from Still Standing]
Linda: It's so nice to see you guys have finally taken an interest in junior high. Only took you 25 years!
Bill: When you have kids, I'm sure you and donor sample 3256 will feel the same way we do.
[from Still Standing]
Tina: [listening to phone] Brian's talking to a girl.
Judy: Tina, that's not nice. It's a private phone conversation.
Tina: He's reading her a poem.
Judy: Oh, let me hear!
Linda: It's so nice to see you guys have finally taken an interest in junior high. Only took you 25 years!
Bill: When you have kids, I'm sure you and donor sample 3256 will feel the same way we do.
[from Still Standing]
Tina: [listening to phone] Brian's talking to a girl.
Judy: Tina, that's not nice. It's a private phone conversation.
Tina: He's reading her a poem.
Judy: Oh, let me hear!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Funny Quotes of the Day #68
[from NCIS]
Abby: Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.
McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog that attacked me?
Abby: Maybe because dog is man's best friend or maybe because I am a forensic scientist, and I could boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace. [McGee stares then takes out his wallet]
[from NCIS]
Ducky: When did you last have a tetanus shot?
McGee: Probably after that time Dicky Newsome and I were fighting over the galactic hunt Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Tony: So... last year some time?
[from NCIS]
Gibbs: What do we got?
Tony: [watching a tape of a guy eating Funyuns] A sudden urge to hit the vending machines.
Abby: Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.
McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog that attacked me?
Abby: Maybe because dog is man's best friend or maybe because I am a forensic scientist, and I could boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace. [McGee stares then takes out his wallet]
[from NCIS]
Ducky: When did you last have a tetanus shot?
McGee: Probably after that time Dicky Newsome and I were fighting over the galactic hunt Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Tony: So... last year some time?
[from NCIS]
Gibbs: What do we got?
Tony: [watching a tape of a guy eating Funyuns] A sudden urge to hit the vending machines.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Funny Quotes of the Day #67
[from Home Improvement]
Tim: You buy lots of things without asking me.
Jill: Like what?
Tim: This couch.
Jill: How can you compare that to season tickets? I bought this couch because we needed a place to sit.
Tim: That's why I bought the tickets. I wanna go to the game, I need a place to sit!
[from Home Improvement]
Jill: You are completely unwilling to compromise.
Tim: I don't even know the meaning of the word compromise.
Jill: You don't know the meaning of a lot of words.
Tim: And don't you forget it!
Tim: You buy lots of things without asking me.
Jill: Like what?
Tim: This couch.
Jill: How can you compare that to season tickets? I bought this couch because we needed a place to sit.
Tim: That's why I bought the tickets. I wanna go to the game, I need a place to sit!
[from Home Improvement]
Jill: You are completely unwilling to compromise.
Tim: I don't even know the meaning of the word compromise.
Jill: You don't know the meaning of a lot of words.
Tim: And don't you forget it!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Funny Quotes of the Day #66
[from Home Improvement]
Mr. Leonard [about retirement]: The only good thing about it is the set of golf clubs they gave me.
Tim: I didn't know you played golf.
Mr. Leonard: I don't, I melted them down and made a lamp.
Tim: Hey, I melt down gifts all the time.
Randy: And not always on purpose.
[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Wilson, if a boulder fell on you, would you want me to move it?
Wilson: It depends. Are you the reason the boulder fell on me?
Tim: That doesn't matter.
Wilson: It does to me. I'm the one under the boulder.
Tim: Let's say it's my fault. If I helped you move it, would you still be a man?
Wilson: I guess that would depend on what part of me was crushed by the boulder.
Mr. Leonard [about retirement]: The only good thing about it is the set of golf clubs they gave me.
Tim: I didn't know you played golf.
Mr. Leonard: I don't, I melted them down and made a lamp.
Tim: Hey, I melt down gifts all the time.
Randy: And not always on purpose.
[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Wilson, if a boulder fell on you, would you want me to move it?
Wilson: It depends. Are you the reason the boulder fell on me?
Tim: That doesn't matter.
Wilson: It does to me. I'm the one under the boulder.
Tim: Let's say it's my fault. If I helped you move it, would you still be a man?
Wilson: I guess that would depend on what part of me was crushed by the boulder.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Funny Quotes of the Day #65
[from Home Improvement]
Jill: The rental house manager has guaranteed me that I have the scariest looking costume that they have ever had.
Tim: They've got a costume that looks like you at 7 A.M.?
[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Every time we make an appointment with the lawyer, we end up cancelling, usually because you come down with some bizarre physical ailment.
Tim: I do not.
Jill: Last time we didn't go because your hair hurt.
[from Still Standing]
Brian: Are you guys buying Stones tickets? I thought Mom already got some.
Bill: She did, but I stole them out of her gym bag to prove I'm a million times smarter than she is.
Brian: That doesn't make sense.
Bill: Then I lost them.
Brian: That does.
Jill: The rental house manager has guaranteed me that I have the scariest looking costume that they have ever had.
Tim: They've got a costume that looks like you at 7 A.M.?
[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Every time we make an appointment with the lawyer, we end up cancelling, usually because you come down with some bizarre physical ailment.
Tim: I do not.
Jill: Last time we didn't go because your hair hurt.
[from Still Standing]
Brian: Are you guys buying Stones tickets? I thought Mom already got some.
Bill: She did, but I stole them out of her gym bag to prove I'm a million times smarter than she is.
Brian: That doesn't make sense.
Bill: Then I lost them.
Brian: That does.
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