Funny Quotes of the Day #89

[from The Office]
Michael: So, what kind of ice cream do you want? Yell it out!
Meredith: Chunky Monkey.
Michael: Too expensive.
Stanley: Chocolate.
Michael: Racism is dead, Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want!

[from The Office]
Pam: And one time I walked in on [Michael] naked... and his thing is so small—
Kevin: How small is it?
Pam: If it were an iPod, it would be a Shuffle!

[from The Office]
David: Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?
Dwight: I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie. And it turns out, it's pretty realistic.
David: We had to pay for it—cost us thirty-five hundred dollars.
Michael: Five thousand, three hundred dollars for a dummy?

Funny Quotes of the Day #88

[from NCIS]
Ziva: I feel like I know him from somewhere.
Tony: Mossad?
Ziva: Maybe.
Tony: Online dating service?
Ziva: (grabs a paperclip) I will kill you 18 different ways with this paperclip.

[from NCIS]
Abby: I found this, in his left trouser pocket. It's organic.
Gibbs: Illegal?
Abby: We could smoke it and find out.

[from NCIS]
McGee: The blood starts at the ping-pong table.
Tony: Beer pong.
McGee: Huh?
Tony: Oh, this is tragic. Don't tell me you never played beer pong before, Probie.
McGee: Nope, never.
Tony: What did you do at MIT?
McGee: Studied.
Tony: That figures.

Funny Quotes of the Day #87

[from Castle]
(Castle is getting ready to make the drop-off)
Beckett: Be careful, okay?
Castle: Do I detect actual concern for my well-being?
Beckett: Screw this up, and I'll kill you.
Castle: That's more like it.

[from The Office]
Michael: Accounting, I am 'accounting' on you to have lunch with me.

[from The Office]
Michael: Dwight, let me make something clear to you. I set the rules, and you follow them—blindly.

[from The Office]
Creed: I wanna set you up with my daughter.
Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed: I don't know.

Funny Quotes of the Day #86

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Sweetie, why don't you just tell me what's wrong?
Mark: Nothing's wrong! And don't call me sweetie.
Jill: But I always call you sweetie.
Mark: That's because you wanted me to be a girl.
Jill: Who told you that?
Mark: Brad and Randy.
Jill: Well, they're grounded for a week.

[from Home Improvement]
Al: I thought you said you wouldn't talk about your personal life on the show.
Tim: Well, does this mean anything to you? (shows him crossed fingers)
Al: How would you feel if I talked about my personal life on the show?
Tim: When you get one, you can!

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Having a baby is a big deal. It's up there with putting in a new sprinkler system.

Funny Quotes of the Day #85

[from Castle]
Castle: So. Looks like I managed to make it through the case without getting injured, shot or killed.
Kate: Yeah, well, maybe tomorrow.

[from Castle]
Alexis: How come we never had a nanny?
Castle: Well, your mother and I decided if someone was going to screw you up, we wanted it to be me.

Funny Quotes of the Day #84

[from Castle]
Kate: No signs of struggle. He knew her.
Lanie: Even bought her flowers. Who says romance is dead?
Kate: I do. Every Saturday night.
Lanie: A little lipstick wouldn't hurt.

[from Castle]
(while being held at gun point)
Kate: Castle, you okay?
Castle: Yeah, but this psycho here needs a breath mint.

Funny Quotes of the Day #83

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Lily: Ted, if you murder me and bury me in New Jersey, I'll haunt you forever.
Ted: But if I murder you and bury you somewhere else?
Lily: Then I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
(after calling Robin, leaving a weird sound)
Barney: She wasn't there. I left a voice-mail.
Lily: You left a voice, but it wasn't male.