Funny quotes of the day #120

[from New Girl]
Nick: I'm fantastic at sex!
Winston: You're scared to get a haircut!
Nick: Yeah, I don't like getting a haircut, it's too intimate. What does that have to do with sex?

[from New Girl]
[talking about sex]
Nick: I was sixteen! I have gotten a lot better!
Schmidt: You haven't gotten that much better. I used to listen to you and Caroline all the time when we were in college. It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner. "Are you okay? Yeah. Are you okay? Yeah."

Funny quotes of the day #119

[from New Girl]
Cece: (about Nick) And did you see his feet? Guy's feet point at what they want. His feet were pointing right at you.
Jess: Why wouldn't his feet point at me? Otherwise, he's standing like a duck.

[from New Girl]
Nick: No, I don't dance. I'm from the town in Footloose.

[from New Girl]
Jess: No! He's here early, how do I look?
Schmidt: It's better if you don't know.

Funny quotes of the day #118

[from Still Standing]
Lauren: Dad, I need some help with my homework.
Bill: Yeah, I know, I've seen your grades.

[from Still Standing]
Judy: You quit your babysitting job? What are you going to fall back on if this falls through?
Lauren: The fact that I'm 14 and you kind of legally have to take care of me.

[from Still Standing]
Linda: Brian's going to take my picture for lindasgooseclothes.com
Bill: Was isellcrap.com taken?

Funny quotes of the day #117

[from New Girl]
Schmidt: I'll be like your guide.
Jess: Like Gandalf through Middle Earth?
Schmidt: Probably not like...okay, first of all, lets just, lets take the Lord of the Rings references, lets put them in a deep dark cave. Okay? Where no one's going to find them. Ever.
Jess: Except Smeagol. (whispering) He lives in a cave.

[from New Girl]
Schmidt: (on why he wants to see Nick's penis) What if Nick gets into an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured, and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? And I'm standing there, and I'm saying, "Sorry Officer, I can't help you, because no, I haven't seen his penis." And then, boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.

[from New Girl]
Jess: Something's happened. It was totally an accident. Not a big deal. I just want to do the mature thing and come clean about it. But, um, I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee.
Schmidt: What?
Winston: What did she say?
Jess: I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee and bubbles.

[from New Girl]
Schmidt: (about his date) Nick, you're gonna be fine. Don't worry about it. Just, you know, suck in the gut.
Nick: What gut?
Jess: The little pooch where you keep your extra cookies.

Funny quotes of the day #116

[from Criminal Minds]
Prentiss: Could it be smell?
Reid: What?
Prentiss: Could smell be what's attracting him to his victims?
Reid: (comes to a sudden realization) Distillation extraction!
Prentiss: Well, I hope you know what you just said 'cause you lost me.

[from Suits]
Harvey: This is good. We're gonna have some fun.
Mike: We? I get to go?
Harvey: You didn't think I'd let you come along?
Mike: No.
Harvey: Good instinct. I wasn't, but then I thought it would be cruel not to let you witness my greatness.

Funny quotes of the day #115

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: You have a fluffy white dog and an entire house. Are those hummel figurines?
LaRoche: Yeah. You find that amusing?
Jane: Well I just didn't picture you living in an actual house.
LaRoche: Where did you think I lived?
Jane: In a burrow on a riverbank. Somewhere like that.

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: You know, I should applaud your bravery, but I gotta say, practically speaking I-I-I... What were you thinking? You could have killed me!
Hightower: I'm sorry. I got mad. I didn't know what I was thinking.
Jane: That was some good shooting, though. That leg shot that took him down was very precise.
Hightower: I was aming for his head.
Jane: Oh, fantastic.

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: So, you play bad cop.
Hightower: I'll be me, thank you.
Jane: Right. Exactly what I said.

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: Trina, are you there?
Lisbon: Sweetie, it's all right. We're with the CBI.
Jane: I know it sounds made up, but we have a web site and everything.

Funny quotes of the day #114

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Pete: Berg, no more medical experiments.
Berg: Just remember my eye drop experiment paid for that couch.
Pete: Hey, Berg? What color would you say that couch is?
Berg: (squinting at the gray couch) I don't know...blue!?

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Bill: I thought your birthday was in May.
Pete: Nope, that was just a rumor started by my birth certificate.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Nurse: So there's a rumor floating around the hospital that you and Ashley broke up.
Berg: That's not so much a rumor as it is a flyer I made at Kencos and passed around.