Funny quotes of the day #117

[from New Girl]
Schmidt: I'll be like your guide.
Jess: Like Gandalf through Middle Earth?
Schmidt: Probably not like...okay, first of all, lets just, lets take the Lord of the Rings references, lets put them in a deep dark cave. Okay? Where no one's going to find them. Ever.
Jess: Except Smeagol. (whispering) He lives in a cave.

[from New Girl]
Schmidt: (on why he wants to see Nick's penis) What if Nick gets into an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured, and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? And I'm standing there, and I'm saying, "Sorry Officer, I can't help you, because no, I haven't seen his penis." And then, boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.

[from New Girl]
Jess: Something's happened. It was totally an accident. Not a big deal. I just want to do the mature thing and come clean about it. But, um, I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee.
Schmidt: What?
Winston: What did she say?
Jess: I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee and bubbles.

[from New Girl]
Schmidt: (about his date) Nick, you're gonna be fine. Don't worry about it. Just, you know, suck in the gut.
Nick: What gut?
Jess: The little pooch where you keep your extra cookies.

Funny quotes of the day #116

[from Criminal Minds]
Prentiss: Could it be smell?
Reid: What?
Prentiss: Could smell be what's attracting him to his victims?
Reid: (comes to a sudden realization) Distillation extraction!
Prentiss: Well, I hope you know what you just said 'cause you lost me.

[from Suits]
Harvey: This is good. We're gonna have some fun.
Mike: We? I get to go?
Harvey: You didn't think I'd let you come along?
Mike: No.
Harvey: Good instinct. I wasn't, but then I thought it would be cruel not to let you witness my greatness.

Funny quotes of the day #115

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: You have a fluffy white dog and an entire house. Are those hummel figurines?
LaRoche: Yeah. You find that amusing?
Jane: Well I just didn't picture you living in an actual house.
LaRoche: Where did you think I lived?
Jane: In a burrow on a riverbank. Somewhere like that.

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: You know, I should applaud your bravery, but I gotta say, practically speaking I-I-I... What were you thinking? You could have killed me!
Hightower: I'm sorry. I got mad. I didn't know what I was thinking.
Jane: That was some good shooting, though. That leg shot that took him down was very precise.
Hightower: I was aming for his head.
Jane: Oh, fantastic.

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: So, you play bad cop.
Hightower: I'll be me, thank you.
Jane: Right. Exactly what I said.

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: Trina, are you there?
Lisbon: Sweetie, it's all right. We're with the CBI.
Jane: I know it sounds made up, but we have a web site and everything.

Funny quotes of the day #114

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Pete: Berg, no more medical experiments.
Berg: Just remember my eye drop experiment paid for that couch.
Pete: Hey, Berg? What color would you say that couch is?
Berg: (squinting at the gray couch) I don't know...blue!?

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Bill: I thought your birthday was in May.
Pete: Nope, that was just a rumor started by my birth certificate.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Nurse: So there's a rumor floating around the hospital that you and Ashley broke up.
Berg: That's not so much a rumor as it is a flyer I made at Kencos and passed around.

Funny quotes of the day #113

[from Community]
Abed: I have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.
Jeff: I don't want to be your father.
Abed: Perfect. You already know your lines.

[from Community]
Jeff: Why do you have a monkey?
Troy: Uh, it's an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have ten of them?

[from Community]
Shirley: I've never been a captain before!
Pierce: I have! Commanded a jet-ski through an electrical storm. Only had one casualty.
Troy: Jet-skis only hold two people.
Pierce: Exactly. Saved half of my crew.

Funny quotes of the day #112

[from Community]
Professor Duncan: I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia.
Jeff: And now I have to get one from America. And it can't be an e-mail attachment.

[from Community]
Jeff: Look, we can still hang out. It's just... we won't bag on people.
Shirley: Come on, Jeff, what are we going to talk about? My kids? Your doctor career?
Jeff: I was a lawyer.
Shirley: See, I'm already bored.

[from Community]
Dean Pelton: Oh Mr. Winger, did you happen to hear my announcement?
Jeff: I hang on every word.
Dean Pelton: I'm going to assume that's sarcasm.
Jeff: Correct.
Dean Pelton: So you didn't hear my announcement?
Jeff: I'm barely listening now.

[from Community]
Shirley: Jeff, I have two boys. And when we have a serious discussion, I find that a brownie helps them relax. (hands Jeff a brownie) So! Why do you hate me and Jesus?
Jeff: I don't think my brownie's working.

Funny quotes of the day #111

[from Psych]
Shawn: If I’m gonna die, you better be right behind me, or I’m gonna haunt your kitchen cabinets until the day you die.

[from Psych]
Juliet: (about their partnership) I'm sorry Shawn, but it's over.
Shawn: I understand. It was fun while it lasted.
Juliet: No it wasn't.
Shawn: We made a great team.
Juliet: No, we didn't. It was a disaster! Partners don't lie to one another, and partners don't run off mid-investigation, and partners do not go through my purse, find my phone and text photos of my dog to every guy in my address book with the caption, "This is you!"

[from Psych]
Juliet: I am itching to get back into the field even if that means babysitting Shawn.
Henry: You two are working the case together. No reason for anything to fall through the cracks.
(Shawn and Juliet walk away)
Shawn: Babysit? Really Jules, come on.
Juliet: Shawn, what have you done today?
Shawn: Let’s see. I watched some Phineas and Ferb, took a nap, had a snack…I’m a little tired.
Juliet: Exactly.
Shawn: I just want to beat Gus and Lassiter!
Juliet: And catch the killer?
Shawn: Yeah sure, if that's what it takes.