Funny Quotes of the Day #58

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
[looking for a new tenant]
Sharon: I'm leaning towards Max Larson.
Berg: No way! He lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows.
Sharon: So? He likes his privacy.
Berg: Yes, because he's a serial killer!

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Pete: No relationship could possibly end worse then this one.
Berg: I love a challenge.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Sharon: I’m on a juice diet, I’m cleansing my system.
Berg: Do you have any idea how many innocent carrots had to die for you to be regular?

Funny Quotes of the Day #57

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Berg: Babies love me.
Ashley: Well, why wouldn't they? You’re a boob.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Pete: We're playing the Bulls!
Berg: The Celtics are playing the Bulls. You...didn't make the team.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Pete: Where’s Ashley?
Berg: She went to bed.
Pete: Ah, I thought I heard a coffin close...

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Sharon: What happened to your hand?
Berg: I was so upset about the whole thing with Nicole that I punched a mailbox causing me physical pain and a possible federal crime.
Sharon: That’s the best you could come up with?
Berg: It’s better than ‘I was so upset I wrapped my hand in this bandage.’

Funny Quotes of the Day #56

[from Still Standing]
Denise: [to Bill and Judy] You two have kids?
Brian: They're married, and they have three kids that the state obviously should have taken away years ago.

[from Still Standing]
Lauren: My friends and I heard Brian and his friends having so much fun downstairs that we decided to join them. What's so weird about that?
Judy: That girls were having fun with Brian and his friends [to Brian] No offense!
Brian: Lots taken.

[from Still Standing]
Ted: [to Bill and Judy] Look, it's time we all take responsibility for this. We need to set a better example.
Judy: Absolutely.
Ted: We need to be better role models.
Judy: I couldn't agree more.
Ted: We need to stop drinking.
Bill: You need to go now.

Funny Quotes of the Day #55

[from Pushing Daisies]
Emerson: Sounds like you're a narcoleptic.
Ned: I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable attacks of deep sleep?
Emerson: What's the other one?
Ned: Necrophiliac.
Emerson: Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head.
Olive: Me too. I used to think "masturbation" meant chewing your food. [awkward silence] I don't think that anymore.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: What’s the poop?
Emerson: “The poop”?
Olive: Poop. Scoop. Skinny. The haps. The dillyo. The 411. P.I. lingo.
Emerson: Rhubarb.
Olive: What’s that mean?
Emerson: PI secret code for “Get me a damned slice of rhubarb.”

Funny Quotes of the Day #54

[from Still Standing]
Bill: Miss Bodin—I can safely assume it is still Miss Bodin, can't I?
Miss Bodin: Mr. Miller—I can safely assume it's not Dr. Miller?

[from Still Standing]
Judy: [to Bill about Lauren] Pretend she's like the exerise bike in the garage and leave her alone.

[from Still Standing]
Bill: I can't believe I have to sit through 100 untalented kids to get to ours.

Funny Quotes of the Day #53

[from NCIS]
Kate: Oh, that's really smart, Tony.
Tony: Any guy could’ve done it.
Kate: Guy? Learn to shut up when you're ahead.

[from NCIS]
Kate: Thanks for waiting, guys.
Gibbs: Chain of custody, Kate. You had to stay with the boat.
Kate: I'm not stupid, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Never said you were.
Kate: I didn't have to ride in the tow truck with that boat, now did I? You do this to all the newbies, or just the females?
Tony: Do we look like sexists?
Kate: Ask me who's buried in Grant's tomb. It's a tougher question.

[from NCIS]
Tony: If you're coming down with something, don't sit next to me in the truck.
Kate: There's an upside to getting a cold?

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: I don't want to be a nagging wife.
Tim: Then how will I recognize you?

Funny Quotes of the Day #52

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: Rule Number Three: Don't believe what you're told. Always double check.
Kate: Should I write these rules on my Palm Pilot, or crochet them on pillows?

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: Hey - We're LEOs.
Dennis: And I'm a Capricorn.
Tony: LEO - short for Law Enforcement Officer.
Gibbs: You new at this, Dennis?
Dennis: Ah, first week. NCIS. Never heard of it.
Gibbs: That's embarrassing.
Dennis: NCIS anything like CSI?
Tony: Only if you're dyslexic.

Funny Quotes of the Day #51

[from Still Standing]
Judy: Your son needs some advice. High school's tough.
Bill: No, it's not. It was a blast.
Judy: That was us, we were cool. Look at him, he needs help.
Brian: Mom, I'm sitting right here.

[from Still Standing]
Judy: Bill's gonna sign up for morning greeter.
Bill: I am?
Judy: Yes, you are. And you're signing your real name, not Pat McGroin.

Funny Quotes of the Day #50

[from NCIS]
[after being shot at]
Tony [lying on top of Abby]: Are you hit?
Abby [having trouble breathing]: No... You're heavy!
Tony: Sorry.
Abby [feeling his leg]: My god, no wonder you're so heavy, Tony, you're all muscle!
Tony: Abby, shhh!
Abby: You're packing a nice booty too!
Tony: Is this how you deal with getting shot at?

[from NCIS]
Tony: Massages?
Abby: Many kinds.
Tony: Uh. Full body?
Abby: Places you could only dream of, DiNozzo.
Tony: Masseuses or masseur?
Abby: I go both ways. You?
Tony: Only with [phone rings, reads caller ID] Harris, my insurance agent.
Abby: Whatever works, man.

[from NCIS]
[McGee is describing his first car]
McGee: 84 Camira. 8 24Z high speed.
Tony: That’s a smoking hot car!
McGee: Yeah.
Tony: What the hell went wrong with you?

[from NCIS]
Abby: Do you think he's gonna want us to hang around?
McGee: I don't know. I can't imagine there's anything that can't wait 'til tomorrow.
Abby: Go ask him.
McGee: You ask him.
Abby: You're the "Special Agent".
McGee: No, he likes you more.
Abby: That's because I don't ask him stupid questions. Rock paper scissors?
McGee: On three.
Abby: One...two...
Gibbs: Something on your mind?
Abby/McGee: No.
Gibbs: You weren't thinking about leaving, were ya?
Abby: No
McGee: Absolutely not, no.

Funny Quotes of the Day #49

[from NCIS]
Abby: Your hands my body now.
[Palmer massages Abby, Tony walks in]
Palmer: It wasn’t like that.
Tony: It never is. Now go you little autopsy gremlin. Get out of here!

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: Got a box of Honeydust last Christmas. No card.
Tony: Ah...I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their...

Funny Quotes of the Day #48

[from NCIS]
[comparing two people]
Abby: Care to guess which fetish they have in common Kate?
Kate: No, no, I’m going to hell just listening to all this.

[from NCIS]
[talking about a suspect's record]
Abby: We're talking cleaner than clean, whiter than white! You put him in a lineup with snow, snow is going to jail!