Funny quotes of the day #99

[from The Office]
Pam: There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "What if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?" He said, "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

[from The Office]
Michael: Oh, my God, Pam, those make you look so ugly. Umm, Pam, in order to get hotter, you take the glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction.
Pam: I don't have my contacts.
Michael: (jibberish) I can't even hear you. It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist.

Funny quotes of the day #98

[from Still Standing]
Linda: You're prepared to talk to [Lauren] about sex?
Bill: (stunned) Huh?
Judy: Sex, Bill. Don't be afraid of the word, you might have to use it up there.
Linda: (gloating) And penis and vagina.
Bill: I won't have to use the p- and v-words. I can just say 'Patrick' and 'Virginia.'
Judy: I don't think you're ready to have this talk with our daughter.
Bill: Why not?
Linda: Because you're a big 'Virginia.'

[from Still Standing]
Brian: Look dad, I know you didn't want to have a dry Super Bowl party, but I think it's really cool you're seeing this through.
Linda: Maybe next month you can give up stupid.

[from Still Standing]
Judy: Bill, why don't you fill up Tina's humidifier? I end up filling it every time.
Bill: I think you just answered your own question.

Funny quotes of the day #97

[from The Office]
Michael: Hi children. I'm Michael Scott, and I am in charge of this place. Uhh...how do I make you understand... I am like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
Jim and Dwight: That's Batman.
Michael: Ok, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live guys?
Jim: The ocean.
Michael: I work with a bunch of nerds.

[from The Office]
Jim: How was your meeting with Michael?
Dwight: None of your business.
Jim: Was it your scores?
Dwight: These can't be my scores, Jim. For your information... I'm being sabotaged.
Jim: Of course.
Dwight: And I'm going to find that person and punish him.
Jim: Absolutely. Or, you could just be nice to your customers.
Dwight: You're an idiot.
Jim: There's the charm.

[from The Office]
Ryan: Did you see Saw?
Dwight: Of course I see-saw. I see-saw all the time.
Ryan: No, uh, the movie, did you see the movie Saw?
Dwight: Oh, yeah, great film. Almost as much fun as a see-saw.

Funny quotes of the day #96

[from Modern Family]
Mitchell: Hey, Cam, does the gardener usually work on Saturdays?
Cameron: I don't know. he comes when we need him. He's like Batman, but straight. (Looks towards window) Is he crying?
Mitchell: Oh, yeah. We should probably...probably go out the back, huh?
Cameron: He's clearly in pain. How could you just turn your back on a friend like that?
Mitchell: A friend? Really? Yeah. What's his name?
Cameron: Caesar Sal...azar.
Mitchell: You made that up. You were gonna say Caesar Salad.

[from NCIS]
(Dr. Shore is looking at a picture of Cook)
Dr. Shore: Oh yes, I remember him. A walk in. Showed up, wanted his teeth cleaned, then he left.
McGee: Did you notice anything unusual?
Dr. Shore: Only that he had about the most perfect teeth I'd ever seen.
Ziva: We heard from the last two dentists we've visited.
Dr. Shore: Yeah, well...working on him was almost orgasmic.
McGee: Didn't really need to hear that.
Dr. Shore: His retro molar pad was shaped just like a renaissance's bosom.
McGee: Okay uh, we're gonna go.

[from NCIS]
(McGee and Abby walk into the lab)
Abby: It's definitely the dirty kind. I found traces of cobalt-60 on all the evidence Tony and Ziva brought in.
(McGee looks at her yellow hazmat suit she's wearing)
McGee: Is it safe?
Abby: Oh! Yeah, totally. This was just way too cool to take off. And I like the sound it makes when I move.
(Abby starts to do the robot)

Funny quotes of the day #95

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Lily: Hey, guys, good news. First of all, you can ignore all the e-mails and texts we've sent you.
Robin: We have. Go on.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Lily: At tomorrow's game, if you're anything less than a teddybear stuffed with cotton-candy and rainbows, I will silent-treatment your ass into the ground. You will think the time I found your Internet search history was a picnic.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Ted: I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
Marshall: No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing: Number one, supervolcano; Number two, an asteroid hits the earth; Number three, all footage of Evil Knievel is lost; Number four, Ted calls Karen; Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.
Lily: I'm Lily, and I approve the order of that list.

Funny quotes of the day #94

[from Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]
Buck: Are you ready for adventure?
Crash, Eddie: Yes, sir!
Buck: For danger?
Crash, Eddie: Yes, sir!
Buck: For death?
Eddie: Uhh, can you repeat the question?

[from Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]
Sid: [to the baby dinosaur] Spit out little Johnny or we're leaving the playground right now!
[the baby dinosaur spits up a bird]
Sid: There you go. The picture of health.
Aardvark Mom: That's not little Johnny!
Sid: Hey, it's better than nothing.

Funny quotes of the day #93

[from Criminal Minds]
Trailer Park Manager: What the hell do you want? Can't you read?
Reid: I'm not a salesman. I'm with the FBI.
Trailer Park Manager: FBI? You're not serious! You look like a pipe cleaner with eyes. I could snap you like a twig.

[from Criminal Minds]
Morgan: I don't know how I could forget a face like hers.
Reid: You've been with so many girls you can't remember all their names?
Prentiss: Oh, come on, are you surprised?
Morgan: This has never happened to me before!
Reid: It has never happened to me before either.
Prentiss: If can't happen to you; you have an eidetic memory.
Morgan: And besides, you've only got one name to remember.