Funny Quotes of the Day #75

[from The Office]
Michael: Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

[from The Office]
Kevin: Oh well, if they aren't together now then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB and J: Pam Beesly and Jim. What a waste! What. A. Waste.

[from The Office]
[discussing the accident]
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so double jeopardy. We're fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is "we're fine"?

[from The Office]
Michael: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's what I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like—a fake brother who steals your jeans.

Funny Quotes of the Day #74

[from Dan in Real Life]
Jane Burns: [about driving] If you don't let me, I'll never learn.
Dan Burns: But if I let you, you might not live.

[from Dan in Real Life]
Cara Burns: You don't have to worry because when it comes to sex, Marty is the one that wants to wait.
Dan Burns: What part of that sentence is supposed to give me comfort?

[from Dan in Real Life]
Dan Burns: I ordered a muffin... [takes a large, tall-based muffin from the bag] But I think they gave me a small planet.