Monday, December 14, 2009

Funny quotes of the day #92

[from Criminal Minds]
Elle: (complaining) Gideon, will you tell him that I don't need to go to the hospital?
Gideon: Regulations are regulations. You're all right?
Elle: Yeah, I'm fine, 'dad.'
Gideon: Elle?
Elle: Yeah?
Gideon: Don't ever call me 'dad' again. (walks away)
Elle: (to Reid) What do you think he'd feel about 'mom?'
Reid: Let me know when you're going to do that so I can run.

[from Criminal Minds]
Elle: Um, Reid, you probably saved my life in there.
Reid: Probably? I totally saved your life. (smiles) And I'm pretty certain that it was caught on tape.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Funny quotes of the day #91

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Barney: Guess who just got four tickets to the "Origins of Chewbacca" Star Wars exhibit?
Lily: Why?
Barney: No, I said, "Guess who?"
Lily: I heard you.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Barney: How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple! The rules for girls are the same as the rules for gremlins.
Ted: Gremlins?
Barney: Gremlins. Rule number one: Never get them wet. In other words, don’t let her take a shower at your place. Number two: Keep them away from sunlight, i.e. don't ever see them during the day. And rule number three: Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over, and you don’t have breakfast with her. Ever.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Funny Quotes of the Day #90

[from Wizards of Waverly Place]
Harper: (about Justin dating Miranda) It's so totally obvious that he's dating her because she looks like me!
Alex: Yeah, you both have...faces.

[from Wizards of Waverly Place]
(About Justin)
Harper: He's so cute. I never know what to say to him.
Alex: Just talk about current events. He loves current events.
Justin: Hey guys.
Harper: Alex failed her Spanish mid-term!
Alex: Not that current!

[from Wizards of Waverly Place]
Theresa: Don't worry, I'm gonna help you with your espanol.
Alex: That's fine, but I really need help with my Spanish, too.
Theresa: Espanol is Spanish.
Alex: Espanol's Spanish for what?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Funny Quotes of the Day #89

[from The Office]
Michael
: So, what kind of ice cream do you want? Yell it out!
Meredith: Chunky Monkey.
Michael: Too expensive.
Stanley: Chocolate.
Michael: Racism is dead, Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want!

[from The Office]
Pam: And one time I walked in on [Michael] naked... and his thing is so small—
Kevin: How small is it?
Pam: If it were an iPod, it would be a Shuffle!

[from The Office]
David: Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?
Dwight: I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie. And it turns out, it's pretty realistic.
David: We had to pay for it—cost us thirty-five hundred dollars.
Michael: Five thousand, three hundred dollars for a dummy?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Funny Quotes of the Day #88

[from NCIS]
Ziva: I feel like I know him from somewhere.
Tony: Mossad?
Ziva: Maybe.
Tony: Online dating service?
Ziva: (grabs a paperclip) I will kill you 18 different ways with this paperclip.

[from NCIS]
Abby: I found this, in his left trouser pocket. It's organic.
Gibbs: Illegal?
Abby: We could smoke it and find out.

[from NCIS]
McGee: The blood starts at the ping-pong table.
Tony: Beer pong.
McGee: Huh?
Tony: Oh, this is tragic. Don't tell me you never played beer pong before, Probie.
McGee: Nope, never.
Tony: What did you do at MIT?
McGee: Studied.
Tony: That figures.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Funny Quotes of the Day #87

[from Castle]
(Castle is getting ready to make the drop-off)

Beckett: Be careful, okay?
Castle: Do I detect actual concern for my well-being?
Beckett: Screw this up, and I'll kill you.
Castle: That's more like it.

[from The Office]
Michael: Accounting, I am 'accounting' on you to have lunch with me.

[from The Office]
Michael: Dwight, let me make something clear to you. I set the rules, and you follow them—blindly.

[from The Office]
Creed: I wanna set you up with my daughter.
Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed: I don't know.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Funny Quotes of the Day #86

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Sweetie, why don't you just tell me what's wrong?
Mark: Nothing's wrong! And don't call me sweetie.
Jill: But I always call you sweetie.
Mark: That's because you wanted me to be a girl.
Jill: Who told you that?
Mark: Brad and Randy.
Jill: Well, they're grounded for a week.

[from Home Improvement]
Al: I thought you said you wouldn't talk about your personal life on the show.
Tim: Well, does this mean anything to you? (shows him crossed fingers)
Al: How would you feel if I talked about my personal life on the show?
Tim: When you get one, you can!

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Having a baby is a big deal. It's up there with putting in a new sprinkler system.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Funny Quotes of the Day #85

[from Castle]
Castle: So. Looks like I managed to make it through the case without getting injured, shot or killed.
Kate: Yeah, well, maybe tomorrow.

[from Castle]
Alexis: How come we never had a nanny?
Castle: Well, your mother and I decided if someone was going to screw you up, we wanted it to be me.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Funny Quotes of the Day #84

[from Castle]
Kate: No signs of struggle. He knew her.
Lanie: Even bought her flowers. Who says romance is dead?
Kate: I do. Every Saturday night.
Lanie: A little lipstick wouldn't hurt.

[from Castle]
(while being held at gun point)
Kate: Castle, you okay?
Castle: Yeah, but this psycho here needs a breath mint.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Funny Quotes of the Day #83

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Lily: Ted, if you murder me and bury me in New Jersey, I'll haunt you forever.
Ted: But if I murder you and bury you somewhere else?
Lily: Then I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
(after calling Robin, leaving a weird sound)
Barney: She wasn't there. I left a voice-mail.
Lily: You left a voice, but it wasn't male.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Funny Quotes of the Day #82

[from Bones]
Booth: Ok, if you can't see the guy's face, maybe you can clear up a reflection.
Zack: That's a workable idea.
Booth: Well, I'd say thanks, you know, if you didn't say it like it was some kind of a miracle.

[from The Office]
(Jim and Dwight are looking for a birthday theme)
Jim: Okay, so far our ideal party consists of: beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood, touch-football, mating, characids, and, yes, horse hunting.
Dwight: You are right. Forget horse hunting, it's stupid.

[from The Office]
(Dwight lights firecrackers in the smoky office)
Andy: Oh, my God, the fire's shooting at us!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Funny Quotes of the Day #81

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Ted: Almighty TiVo, we thank you for all the gifts you have given us. The power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of godlike. Let's not forget fast forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, oh Magic Box. But if you malfunction and miss the Superbowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats. Amen.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Ted: Come on, you were only 16 when you had sex, I was 17...
Marshall: You were 18.
Ted: Barney was probably 12.
Barney: Good one Ted. I was six..ff..four..how old were you again?
Ted: 17.
Barney: Dude, me too!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Funny Quotes of the Day #80

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Ted: I had the most amazing night ever.
Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like 'Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down.'

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Marshall: For as much as we know about the cockamouse, there are still so much we don't know.
Robin: Well, we know that there's no such thing as a cockamouse. What we don't know is what you guys have been smoking.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Marshall: No, it wasn't a cockroach, it had fur. And only mammals have fur.
Lily: It was a cockroach.
Marshall: Come on Lily, the only way it was a cockroach was if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
Lily (horrified at the thought): Oh my god!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Funny quotes of the day #79

[from Stargate Atlantis]
Sheppard: So, he's made mistakes in the past. Who hasn't?
McKay: Why are you looking at me?!

[from Stargate Atlantis]
(after walking underwater to a Wraith hive ship in water suits)
Sheppard: That took too long.
McKay: Yeah, well, I probably won’t be able to disarm the self-destruct in time anyway, so we’re really not in a rush.
Sheppard: Why don’t we find it first, and then you can be negative.

[from Stargate Atlantis]
McKay: Can I please have someone else do these?
Weir: Performance evaluations?
McKay: Yes.
Weir: No, year end employee reviews are important. They help people get promotions and raises.
McKay: Look, asking me to do performance evaluations is ridiculous. I am the first to admit I don't know who these people are nor do I care to. Look, if you like, I could take you down the hall to the labs and just point to the people who annoy me more than the rest, but that's about as useful as I get.