Funny Quotes of the Day #86

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Sweetie, why don't you just tell me what's wrong?
Mark: Nothing's wrong! And don't call me sweetie.
Jill: But I always call you sweetie.
Mark: That's because you wanted me to be a girl.
Jill: Who told you that?
Mark: Brad and Randy.
Jill: Well, they're grounded for a week.

[from Home Improvement]
Al: I thought you said you wouldn't talk about your personal life on the show.
Tim: Well, does this mean anything to you? (shows him crossed fingers)
Al: How would you feel if I talked about my personal life on the show?
Tim: When you get one, you can!

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Having a baby is a big deal. It's up there with putting in a new sprinkler system.

Funny Quotes of the Day #85

[from Castle]
Castle: So. Looks like I managed to make it through the case without getting injured, shot or killed.
Kate: Yeah, well, maybe tomorrow.

[from Castle]
Alexis: How come we never had a nanny?
Castle: Well, your mother and I decided if someone was going to screw you up, we wanted it to be me.

Funny Quotes of the Day #84

[from Castle]
Kate: No signs of struggle. He knew her.
Lanie: Even bought her flowers. Who says romance is dead?
Kate: I do. Every Saturday night.
Lanie: A little lipstick wouldn't hurt.

[from Castle]
(while being held at gun point)
Kate: Castle, you okay?
Castle: Yeah, but this psycho here needs a breath mint.

Funny Quotes of the Day #83

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Lily: Ted, if you murder me and bury me in New Jersey, I'll haunt you forever.
Ted: But if I murder you and bury you somewhere else?
Lily: Then I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
(after calling Robin, leaving a weird sound)
Barney: She wasn't there. I left a voice-mail.
Lily: You left a voice, but it wasn't male.