Funny Quotes of the Day #47

[from Still Standing]
Bill: [reading from report card] Miller, Brian: A in Econ Jannerman, A in English Cannerelli--
Brian: Dad, that second word is the teacher's last name.
Bill: Ah, then that would explain French Ho.

[from Will and Grace]
Karen: That is when I left home and never looked back.
Jack: Karen, this is not something you can run away from, it's not like a hotel bill or a crying baby.

[from Will and Grace]
Lois: You know what they say: 'Beer before wine, makes you feel fine. Wine before beer makes you feel queer.'
Karen: You! I should've known that nursery ryhme sounded familiar.

Funny Quotes of the Day #46

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: DiNozzo. Where'd you learn how to write, China?
Kate: I'd say Egypt. Looks more like hieroglyphics.
Tony: Hey! You were in a rush to read it.
Gibbs: My mistake.

[from NCIS]
Tony: I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.

Funny Quotes of the Day #45

[from NCIS]
Tony: This is going to suck.
Ziva: Stop complaining.
Tony: Sorry. No sleep tends to do that to me.
Ziva: I drove Tony. You could have slept all night if you wanted.
Tony: I tried but the orchestra of blaring car horns kept me awake.

[from NCIS]
[walking in the woods]
Ziva: This is not the time for sight seeing Tony!
Tony: The only sight I'm seeing is your butt!

Funny Quotes of the Day #44

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: [pouring a drink] Look carefully, ladies; this is your future.
Lily: Is it vodka?
Olive: No, water.
Lily: As in Russian for vodka?

[from NCIS]
[McGee walks in wearing sunglasses]
Tony: Wait a second. I know that look. You had sex, and I am guessing it was with a girl.
McGee: No...
Tony: No it wasn't a girl?
McGee: No...it's none of your business.
Tony: If the Probie was probing last night, I demand details.

[from NCIS]
[Tony hits Ziva with a spitball]
Ziva: Don't you have paperwork, DiNozzo?
Tony: What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper, and I make it work.

Funny Quotes of the Day #43

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: I'm still worried about Randy. After you pick up Mark, will you drive around and look for him?
Tim: Sure. I'll go around a city of six million going "Randy... Randy..."
Jill: Wait, take my cell phone. If you see him, call me, or if he comes back, I'll call you. Wait, what's my number?
Tim: Don't you know?
Jill: Well, I never call myself.
Tim: I never call you either. Why do we have this thing?

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Where's the station wagon, Brad?
Brad: Well, it is called a Nomad, maybe it wandered off.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: When I'm gone, you guys will be the men of the house, so you'll have to do what I normally do around here.
Randy: Electrocute ourselves and irritate Mom?
Tim: Those are big shoes to fill.

Funny Quotes of the Day #42

[from NCIS]
[Gibbs and Abby are signing to each other]
Tony: You know, considering no one in this room is actually deaf, that's really annoying. [Gibbs signs something to Abby] Hey! That was about me, wasn't it?

[from NCIS]
Kate: When I'm a mother, I'm never letting my kids out of my sight.
Tony: Yeah? Well how do you plan on doing that?
Kate: GPS locator strapped to their ankle. Audio and video surveillance built into their clothes.
Tony: No, I mean the part about becoming a mother.

[from NCIS]
Kate: Oh, have you been working out?
Tony: All summer long...thanks for finally noticing.
Kate: No, I mean right now, 'cause you're sweating like a pig and it's not very attractive.

[from NCIS]
Tony: Hey. The only train in the area's an Amtrak. It left DC at 1620 and arrived Lorton 1730, average speed 65 miles an hour. Now, we know it passed our dirtbag at 1706, right? So...dammit. I owe Mrs. Powers an apology.
McGee: Who?
Tony: My tenth grade math teacher. I told her I'd never be able to use anything she taught us in real life.

Funny Quotes of the Day #41

[from NCIS]
Tony: Boss, is there a reason why you always take these back roads?
Kate: Or do you just hate us?
Gibbs: I hate traffic more!
Tony: I think I’m going to puke.
Gibbs: Roll down a window.
[phone rings]
Gibbs: [hands phone to Kate] Here answer this.
Abby: Hey, Gibbs, it’s Abby...
Kate: Abby, it's Kate...you’re going to have to speak up. Gibbs is apparently trying to kill us!

[from NCIS]
Tony: Remember the good old days, Kate?
Kate: What good old days?
Tony: When Gibbs would confide in us and treat us like peers?
Kate: No.
Tony: Good. I thought I was the only one.

[from NCIS]
Tony: Rush hour. Kinda a misnomer if you ask me.
Gibbs: I didn’t.
Tony: I mean it’s not like anybody’s really rushing anywhere and it always takes more than an hour. They should call it, like…
Gibbs: Shut up and sit there before I shoot you hour!
Tony: I was thinking of something a little shorter...

Funny Quotes of the Day #40

[from NCIS]
Tony: Six-letter word for a reason to commit a crime? Come on, don't tense up. Starts with "M."
Kate: Murder.
Tony: No. "Motive".
Kate: Murder is a motive.
Gibbs: What do you have?
Tony: A six-letter word for a reason to commit a crime.
Gibbs: DiNozzo!
Tony: That's seven letters.
Gibbs: Works for me. What have you got?

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: I've never lost an agent undercover. I'm not going to let Dinozzo screw that up.

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: You got him?
Abby: Are you honestly asking me that?
Gibbs: No Abs. I called to flirt.

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: Special Agents…
Saleena: Gibbs and Dinozzo from...uh... NCIS. How may I help you?
Gibbs: You're the psychic, you tell me?
Saleena: Brian McAllister, you found his remains in Black Lake.
Tony: Wow she's good Boss.
Gibbs: It's on the news Dinozzo.

Funny Quotes of the Day #39

[from NCIS]
McGee: Ah, found it. See, the new SS7 data circuits, they block display of the number, but the calling party number message is still carried on the line.
Tony: I don't know what you just said, I don't care what you just said. Just give me the number.

[from NCIS]
Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time, when it didn't really go so well?
Gibbs: Yeah. I remember, DiNozzo.
Tony: Well, listen. I was younger then. Immature, a little unfocused...
Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.

[from NCIS]
Tony: I'm a man of action, Kate.
Kate: More like an action figure.
Tony: Why, you want to play with me?
Kate: As in you look good, but you really can't do much.
Tony: But I look good.

[from NCIS]
Kate: If we screw this up, I have a suggestion.
Tony: What?
Kate: We break into Gibbs's basement and we set his boat on fire.
Tony: That's cold, Kate. I knew there was a reason I liked you.

Funny Quotes of the Day #38

[from NCIS]
Tony: Didn't become an NCIS agent yesterday, Kate. As a matter of fact, tomorrow--
Gibbs: Will have been two years.
Tony: That's kind of touching, Gibbs, remembering the day you hired me.
Gibbs: Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

[from NCIS]
Tony: You know Owens?
Gibbs: Nope.
Tony: Didn't think you would. He's considerably younger than you are.
Gibbs: What would you consider 'considerably'?
Tony: Well, the guy was young, Gibbs. Only 28. Makes him 37 now.
Gibbs: Then considerably would not be an accurate description.
Tony: I didn't realize, boss, how old are you?
Gibbs: Doesn't matter how old I am.
Tony: Well it does, actually, 'cause it gives me a reference point for the word that you were...
Gibbs: [irritated] Can I see the file?

Funny Quotes of the Day #37

[from Friends]
Phoebe: My New Year's Resolution is to pilot a commercial jet plane.
Chandler: That's great Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a plane load of people whose resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

[from Friends]
Phoebe: Lily's dead.
Frank Sr.: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, if she isn't...cremating her was a big mistake.

[from Friends]
Joey: But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man.
Rachel: Exactly. Unisex.
Joey: Maybe you need sex, but I had sex a couple days ago.
Rachel: No, no, no. No, Joey. U-N-I-sex.
Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.

Funny Quotes of the Day #36

[from Friends]
Joey: I play Dr. Drake Ramoray.
Sarah: I'm sorry, I don't own a TV.
Joey: You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?

[from Friends]
Monica: Honey, they have ping pong! Let's play!
Chandler: I don't think so!
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because you know how competitive you get and well, I say it's cute. Others disagree, and I'm lying!

[from Friends]
[talking about ping-pong]
Chandler: Okay, you've each won a game, and I've lost what feels like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.
Monica: Best two out of three?
Mike: That's what I'm thinking.
Chandler: Should I use my invisibility to fight crime, or for evil?

Funny Quotes of the Day #35

[from Supernatural]
[about Bela]
Dean: Can I shoot her?
Sam: Not in public.

[from Supernatural]
Bela: What do you suggest?
Dean: I’m thinking…
Bela: Don’t strain yourself.

[from Supernatural]
Bela: You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex.
Dean: [after a long pause] Don't objectify me.

[from Supernatural]
Bela: [to Dean] I didn't want you thinking...you're not very good at that. Oh, look at you, searching for a witty rejoinder.
Dean: Screw you.
Bela: Very Oscar Wilde.

Funny Quotes of the Day #34

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Come and say hello to your aunts.
Mark: Are they still going to pinch us, even though we're here for a funeral?
Tim: The sadder the occasion, the harder the pinch. See this scar here? My dad's funeral, Aunt Winnie, she took a chunk of flesh right out of my face.

[from Home Improvement]
Randy: I'll take public transportation.
Tim: Don't use your fancy words with me, it's called a bus!

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Half the time at church, you fall asleep.
Tim: But I'm in the building, so I get credit.

Funny Quotes of the Day #33

[from Still Standing]
Judy: How did it go up there?
Bill: Judy, I'm the boy's father, how do you think it went?
Judy: Oh, my God, we've lost him forever.

[from Still Standing]
Judy: There's other ways I express myself without saying "I love you."
Louise: Name one.
Judy: You're still alive, aren't you?

Funny Quotes of the Day #32

[from Still Standing]
Judy: Brian hit Tina.
Bill: Sounds like a fair fight--one hits like a girl, the other's Tina.

[from Still Standing]
Linda: God was lonely, and he needed a pet, so this morning he called on Nathaniel Pawthorne. And, uh, I like to think he's in a big park in the sky, chasing birds, and probably even playing with your old gerbil, Peanut.
Tina: Peanut's dead. He's in the ground and worms are eating him.
Linda: Who stole your soul!?

Funny Quotes of the Day #31

[from The Office]
Michael: Do you know what it's like to be disabled?
Phyllis: I had scoliosis as a girl.
Michael: Never heard of it. No - a real disability. Not a woman's problem.

[from The Office]
[talking to a guy in a wheelchair]
Michael: Let me ask you something. How long does it take for you to do something simple? Everyday. Like brush your teeth in the morning.
Billy: I don't know, like, 30 seconds?
Michael: Oh my god. That's three times as long as it takes me.

Funny Quotes of the Day #30

[from Still Standing]
Judy: [to Chris] I think it's great how you've accepted having two moms. And what's to accept? It's natural. In fact, it's better than natural; it's supernatural.
Brian: Mom, they're lesbians, not ghosts.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: Yesterday, a ferrier named Lucas Shoemaker was found dead. Trampled.
Emerson: Why should I care about a dude that sells fur coats?
Olive: Not a furrier, a ferrier.
Emerson: Fair-rier?
Olive: It's a blacksmith. Puts shoes on horses.
Emerson: Don't try to act like that's a word everybody knows.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Emerson: You can't die of evilness.
Chuck: Happens all the time, you do something mean or hurtful to someone like tell a secret... Bang! You're dead.
Olive: Or Bang! You're not really dead you're just pretending to be dead while other people who think you're dead are heartbroken.
Emerson: Or Bang! You talk too much and you both go wait in the car.