Funny Quotes of the Day #66

[from Home Improvement]
Mr. Leonard [about retirement]: The only good thing about it is the set of golf clubs they gave me.
Tim: I didn't know you played golf.
Mr. Leonard: I don't, I melted them down and made a lamp.
Tim: Hey, I melt down gifts all the time.
Randy: And not always on purpose.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Wilson, if a boulder fell on you, would you want me to move it?
Wilson: It depends. Are you the reason the boulder fell on me?
Tim: That doesn't matter.
Wilson: It does to me. I'm the one under the boulder.
Tim: Let's say it's my fault. If I helped you move it, would you still be a man?
Wilson: I guess that would depend on what part of me was crushed by the boulder.

Funny Quotes of the Day #65

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: The rental house manager has guaranteed me that I have the scariest looking costume that they have ever had.
Tim: They've got a costume that looks like you at 7 A.M.?

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Every time we make an appointment with the lawyer, we end up cancelling, usually because you come down with some bizarre physical ailment.
Tim: I do not.
Jill: Last time we didn't go because your hair hurt.

[from Still Standing]
Brian: Are you guys buying Stones tickets? I thought Mom already got some.
Bill: She did, but I stole them out of her gym bag to prove I'm a million times smarter than she is.
Brian: That doesn't make sense.
Bill: Then I lost them.
Brian: That does.