Funny Quotes of the Day #78

[from Stargate Atlantis]
Beckett: He fainted.
McKay: Oh, there's gotta be a better word for it!
Beckett: 'Faint' is a proper medical term!
McKay: I passed out from...manly hunger!

[from Stargate Atlantis]
Sheppard: You seem nervous.
McKay: No, I'm part of this team. I'm doing this.
Sheppard: Yes, you are. I just said you seem nervous.
McKay: Oh, really? I thought you said 'Rodney, you don't have to do this.'

[from Stargate Atlantis]
McKay: Maybe we should offer a sense of humor in trade…
Sheppard: Sure… they can have yours.
McKay: (laughing) Ah, hahaha, oh, please my side… you slay me.
Sheppard: On second thought…

[from Stargate Atlantis]
Weir: The city can handle that?
McKay: Yes. Theoretically.
Sheppard: Like 'dinosaurs turned into birds' theoretically or theory of relativity theoretically?
McKay (looks confused): What? Um, somewhere between.

[from Stargate Atlantis]
McKay: (explaining why Sheppard has to take the farthest grounding station) I need to get done quickly so I can start working on the subroutines, and Elizabeth was complaining about her knee the other day so...
Sheppard: Wait, whoa, w-wait a second. Are these things even close to a transporter?
McKay: Uh, yes, Elizabeth's is.
Sheppard: And mine?
McKay: Uh, it's a brisk walk away.
Sheppard: And by 'brisk' you mean... far?
McKay: And, by 'walk' I mean 'run'.

Funny Quotes of the Day #77

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: Okay, how do we go about this…this whole P.I. thing? Do we just jam the gun in the suspect's mouth and say, "Sing, canary, or I'm gonna decorate this wallpaper with your guts"?
Ned: Neither. Technically, I don't believe you can blow someone's guts out their mouth.
Olive: Wuss.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Chuck: Dwight might not have been the nicest man, but everybody deserves a burial with dignity.
Emerson: Fine, I got buttloads of dignity to sprinkle on the ground. Come on. Get holy.
Chuck: Thank you.
Emerson: Here lies Dwight. Here lies his gun. He was bad. Now he's done. Let's go

Funny Quotes of the Day #76

[from The Office]
Ryan: Jim, I wanted to apologize for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and, now that I've quit the rat race, I've realized there's so much more to life than becoming the company's youngest V.P. in history. I've even started volunteering, giving back to the community.
Jim: Ah, that's great. You're talking about your court-ordered community service?
Ryan: I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
Jim: But he did, right?

[from The Office]
Jim: [using diagram] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor, and Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through... [draws question mark] delusion.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: Why'd you bring him here when you said you wouldn't?
Emerson: I need Pie-Boy's special skill set and Pie-Girl comes with Pie-Boy.
Olive: Why isn't Pie-Girl minding the Pie-Hole?
Emerson: Because she's rather be minding his. Besides, he hired a new waitress. Brandy. Candy. I don't know. Somebody named after booze or food...

Funny Quotes of the Day #75

[from The Office]
Michael: Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

[from The Office]
Kevin: Oh well, if they aren't together now then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB and J: Pam Beesly and Jim. What a waste! What. A. Waste.

[from The Office]
[discussing the accident]
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so double jeopardy. We're fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is "we're fine"?

[from The Office]
Michael: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's what I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like—a fake brother who steals your jeans.

Funny Quotes of the Day #74

[from Dan in Real Life]
Jane Burns: [about driving] If you don't let me, I'll never learn.
Dan Burns: But if I let you, you might not live.

[from Dan in Real Life]
Cara Burns: You don't have to worry because when it comes to sex, Marty is the one that wants to wait.
Dan Burns: What part of that sentence is supposed to give me comfort?

[from Dan in Real Life]
Dan Burns: I ordered a muffin... [takes a large, tall-based muffin from the bag] But I think they gave me a small planet.

Funny Quotes of the Day #73

[from NCIS]
Ziva: Still think the Director is on one of your booty calls?
Tony: If there's a sock on the doorknob, you're knocking...

[from NCIS]
Abby: [to Jimmy] You chased a crazy guy with a gun! You're a studmuffin! You're an iron fist with a velvet glove... you're baby Gibbs!

[from NCIS]
Abby: One time I got my lip stuck in a vacuum cleaner display at the department store. I lost like a quart of saliva before my cousin pulled the plug. Still have nightmares about it. Can't be alone with a HEPA filter.
Palmer: How old were you?
Abby: Twenty-two. It was like Fat Tuesday or Arbor Day.

Funny Quotes of the Day #72

[from Spongebob Squarepants]
[after Squidward tells them he's Claustrophobic]
Patrick: What does Claustrophobic mean?
SpongeBob: It means you're afraid of Santa Claus.
Patrick: Ho Ho Ho!!!
SpongeBob: Stop it, Patrick. You're scaring him!

[from One Tree Hill]
Mia [to Peyton]: So am I allowed to ask what's going on with you and Lucas? Or is that like saying 'Voldemort'?

Funny Quotes of the Day #71

[from the Bill Engvall Show]
Bill: You are not getting your belly button pierced, young lady.
Lauren: Why? How is a naval piercing any different than an ear piercing?
Bill: Because when you wear earrings, boys look up here. [Bill points to his head]

[from the Bill Engvall Show]
Susan: You three, grounded.
Lauren: What?
Susan: Up to your rooms, no TV, no cell phone, no iPod, no videogames.
Trent: What are we supposed to do?
Susan: Read!
Trent: No, seriously?

Funny Quotes of the Day #70

[from George Lopez]
[George is talking to Angie over the phone]
George: I'm in jail.
Angie: YOU'RE IN JAIL?!
Carmen: Dad's in jail?
Max: Wow, he finally killed Grandma. [to Carmen] You're next.

[from George Lopez]
[George gets released after an afternoon in jail]
Angie: So how was it?
George: Well, the food sucked, nobody would talk to me, and I was afraid to go to sleep... so it was a little better than my childhood.

[from George Lopez]
Carmen: So what if I get a scholarship from Harvard? Can I accept that?
Angie: No! You'll have to raise Max because your father and I will have died from shock!!

[from George Lopez]
Benny: I took you to Disneyland once but you were too young to enjoy it.
George: Why don't I remember it?
Benny: Because I hadn't had you yet.

Funny Quotes of the Day #69

[from Still Standing]
Linda: It's so nice to see you guys have finally taken an interest in junior high. Only took you 25 years!
Bill: When you have kids, I'm sure you and donor sample 3256 will feel the same way we do.

[from Still Standing]
Tina: [listening to phone] Brian's talking to a girl.
Judy: Tina, that's not nice. It's a private phone conversation.
Tina: He's reading her a poem.
Judy: Oh, let me hear!

Funny Quotes of the Day #68

[from NCIS]
Abby: Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.
McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog that attacked me?
Abby: Maybe because dog is man's best friend or maybe because I am a forensic scientist, and I could boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace. [McGee stares then takes out his wallet]

[from NCIS]
Ducky: When did you last have a tetanus shot?
McGee: Probably after that time Dicky Newsome and I were fighting over the galactic hunt Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Tony: So... last year some time?

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: What do we got?
Tony: [watching a tape of a guy eating Funyuns] A sudden urge to hit the vending machines.

Funny Quotes of the Day #67

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: You buy lots of things without asking me.
Jill: Like what?
Tim: This couch.
Jill: How can you compare that to season tickets? I bought this couch because we needed a place to sit.
Tim: That's why I bought the tickets. I wanna go to the game, I need a place to sit!

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: You are completely unwilling to compromise.
Tim: I don't even know the meaning of the word compromise.
Jill: You don't know the meaning of a lot of words.
Tim: And don't you forget it!

Funny Quotes of the Day #66

[from Home Improvement]
Mr. Leonard [about retirement]: The only good thing about it is the set of golf clubs they gave me.
Tim: I didn't know you played golf.
Mr. Leonard: I don't, I melted them down and made a lamp.
Tim: Hey, I melt down gifts all the time.
Randy: And not always on purpose.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Wilson, if a boulder fell on you, would you want me to move it?
Wilson: It depends. Are you the reason the boulder fell on me?
Tim: That doesn't matter.
Wilson: It does to me. I'm the one under the boulder.
Tim: Let's say it's my fault. If I helped you move it, would you still be a man?
Wilson: I guess that would depend on what part of me was crushed by the boulder.

Funny Quotes of the Day #65

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: The rental house manager has guaranteed me that I have the scariest looking costume that they have ever had.
Tim: They've got a costume that looks like you at 7 A.M.?

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Every time we make an appointment with the lawyer, we end up cancelling, usually because you come down with some bizarre physical ailment.
Tim: I do not.
Jill: Last time we didn't go because your hair hurt.

[from Still Standing]
Brian: Are you guys buying Stones tickets? I thought Mom already got some.
Bill: She did, but I stole them out of her gym bag to prove I'm a million times smarter than she is.
Brian: That doesn't make sense.
Bill: Then I lost them.
Brian: That does.

Funny Quotes of the Day #64

[from Still Standing]
Bill: Why did I marry for looks instead of money?
Judy: Why did I marry for neither?

[from Still Standing]
[Linda takes off her coat to reveal a low-cut dress]
Judy: Hey, what's with the get-up?
Linda: I just dropped Perry off at the airport. He had to go back to Reno.
Judy: And you wanted him to be able to see your boobs from there?

[from Still Standing]
Bill: [on karaoke] You don't want [Judy] singing any more than I do. She's terrible. When she sings, angels die.

Funny Quotes of the Day #63

[from Supernatural]
[Sam and Dean are in jail]
Henrickson: I mean, after all, seeing you two in chains...
Dean: You kinky son of a bitch, we don't swing that way.

[from Supernatural]
Henrickson: So, turns out demons are real.
Dean: F.Y.I.--ghosts are real, too. So are werewolves, vampires, changelings, evil clowns that eat people.
Henrickson: Okay, then.
Dean: If it makes you feel better, Bigfoot's a hoax.
Henrickson: It doesn't.

[from Supernatural]
[Nancy and the deputy are in hiding during the battle]
Nancy: When this is over, I'm gonna have so much sex [looks at him] but not with you.

Funny Quotes of the Day #62

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: I thought you said it was a technical problem!
Tim: Technically...I was the problem.

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: I found a piece of broccoli in Randy's dirty's clothes.
Tim: Hmm, either he's hiding it or he's not digesting it properly...

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: You're the transgressor.
Tim: I never wear your clothes!

[from Reba]
Reba: People suffer Cheyenne.
[Jake walks by in the living room, trying to get by without being noticed, but his tap shoes, make alot of noise]
Reba: Some of us more than others.

[from Reba]
Barbara Jean [to Reba, asking about the tape she made]: Oh, you didn't say anything bad about me, did you?
Reba: THAT'S what I forgot!

Funny Quotes of the Day #61

[from Home Improvement]
[after talking to Brad about marijuana]
Jill: Do you remember when the biggest problem we had with Brad was toilet training?
Tim: Well it makes sense. We couldn’t get him on the pot and now we’re trying to get him off the pot.

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Tim, we talked about it and I agreed you were right.
Tim: Yeah, and another...did she just say I was right?
Randy: Well, she didn't use your name specifically.
Tim: It doesn't matter. This is huge!

Funny Quotes of the Day #60

[from Supernatural]
Dean: I hate witches. They're all spewing their body liquids everywhere. It's creepy. Hell, it's downright unsanitary!

[from Home Improvement]
Brad: I hate math. I'd rather hit myself in the head with a hammer.
Tim: Don't be so sure, it really hurts.

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Al wouldn't date for money.
Tim: He'd date for an onion ring.

Funny Quotes of the Day #59

[from The Office]
Jim: I think it’s great that the company’s making a commercial because not very many people have heard of us. I mean when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin , they think that we sell mufflers or muffins, or mittens and frankly, all of those sound better than paper so, I let it slide.

[from The Office]
[earlier, Michael hit Meredith with his car]
Jim: One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.