Funny Quotes of the Day #58

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
[looking for a new tenant]
Sharon: I'm leaning towards Max Larson.
Berg: No way! He lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows.
Sharon: So? He likes his privacy.
Berg: Yes, because he's a serial killer!

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Pete: No relationship could possibly end worse then this one.
Berg: I love a challenge.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Sharon: I’m on a juice diet, I’m cleansing my system.
Berg: Do you have any idea how many innocent carrots had to die for you to be regular?

Funny Quotes of the Day #57

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Berg: Babies love me.
Ashley: Well, why wouldn't they? You’re a boob.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Pete: We're playing the Bulls!
Berg: The Celtics are playing the Bulls. You...didn't make the team.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Pete: Where’s Ashley?
Berg: She went to bed.
Pete: Ah, I thought I heard a coffin close...

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Sharon: What happened to your hand?
Berg: I was so upset about the whole thing with Nicole that I punched a mailbox causing me physical pain and a possible federal crime.
Sharon: That’s the best you could come up with?
Berg: It’s better than ‘I was so upset I wrapped my hand in this bandage.’

Funny Quotes of the Day #56

[from Still Standing]
Denise: [to Bill and Judy] You two have kids?
Brian: They're married, and they have three kids that the state obviously should have taken away years ago.

[from Still Standing]
Lauren: My friends and I heard Brian and his friends having so much fun downstairs that we decided to join them. What's so weird about that?
Judy: That girls were having fun with Brian and his friends [to Brian] No offense!
Brian: Lots taken.

[from Still Standing]
Ted: [to Bill and Judy] Look, it's time we all take responsibility for this. We need to set a better example.
Judy: Absolutely.
Ted: We need to be better role models.
Judy: I couldn't agree more.
Ted: We need to stop drinking.
Bill: You need to go now.

Funny Quotes of the Day #55

[from Pushing Daisies]
Emerson: Sounds like you're a narcoleptic.
Ned: I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable attacks of deep sleep?
Emerson: What's the other one?
Ned: Necrophiliac.
Emerson: Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head.
Olive: Me too. I used to think "masturbation" meant chewing your food. [awkward silence] I don't think that anymore.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: What’s the poop?
Emerson: “The poop”?
Olive: Poop. Scoop. Skinny. The haps. The dillyo. The 411. P.I. lingo.
Emerson: Rhubarb.
Olive: What’s that mean?
Emerson: PI secret code for “Get me a damned slice of rhubarb.”

Funny Quotes of the Day #54

[from Still Standing]
Bill: Miss Bodin—I can safely assume it is still Miss Bodin, can't I?
Miss Bodin: Mr. Miller—I can safely assume it's not Dr. Miller?

[from Still Standing]
Judy: [to Bill about Lauren] Pretend she's like the exerise bike in the garage and leave her alone.

[from Still Standing]
Bill: I can't believe I have to sit through 100 untalented kids to get to ours.

Funny Quotes of the Day #53

[from NCIS]
Kate: Oh, that's really smart, Tony.
Tony: Any guy could’ve done it.
Kate: Guy? Learn to shut up when you're ahead.

[from NCIS]
Kate: Thanks for waiting, guys.
Gibbs: Chain of custody, Kate. You had to stay with the boat.
Kate: I'm not stupid, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Never said you were.
Kate: I didn't have to ride in the tow truck with that boat, now did I? You do this to all the newbies, or just the females?
Tony: Do we look like sexists?
Kate: Ask me who's buried in Grant's tomb. It's a tougher question.

[from NCIS]
Tony: If you're coming down with something, don't sit next to me in the truck.
Kate: There's an upside to getting a cold?

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: I don't want to be a nagging wife.
Tim: Then how will I recognize you?

Funny Quotes of the Day #52

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: Rule Number Three: Don't believe what you're told. Always double check.
Kate: Should I write these rules on my Palm Pilot, or crochet them on pillows?

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: Hey - We're LEOs.
Dennis: And I'm a Capricorn.
Tony: LEO - short for Law Enforcement Officer.
Gibbs: You new at this, Dennis?
Dennis: Ah, first week. NCIS. Never heard of it.
Gibbs: That's embarrassing.
Dennis: NCIS anything like CSI?
Tony: Only if you're dyslexic.

Funny Quotes of the Day #51

[from Still Standing]
Judy: Your son needs some advice. High school's tough.
Bill: No, it's not. It was a blast.
Judy: That was us, we were cool. Look at him, he needs help.
Brian: Mom, I'm sitting right here.

[from Still Standing]
Judy: Bill's gonna sign up for morning greeter.
Bill: I am?
Judy: Yes, you are. And you're signing your real name, not Pat McGroin.

Funny Quotes of the Day #50

[from NCIS]
[after being shot at]
Tony [lying on top of Abby]: Are you hit?
Abby [having trouble breathing]: No... You're heavy!
Tony: Sorry.
Abby [feeling his leg]: My god, no wonder you're so heavy, Tony, you're all muscle!
Tony: Abby, shhh!
Abby: You're packing a nice booty too!
Tony: Is this how you deal with getting shot at?

[from NCIS]
Tony: Massages?
Abby: Many kinds.
Tony: Uh. Full body?
Abby: Places you could only dream of, DiNozzo.
Tony: Masseuses or masseur?
Abby: I go both ways. You?
Tony: Only with [phone rings, reads caller ID] Harris, my insurance agent.
Abby: Whatever works, man.

[from NCIS]
[McGee is describing his first car]
McGee: 84 Camira. 8 24Z high speed.
Tony: That’s a smoking hot car!
McGee: Yeah.
Tony: What the hell went wrong with you?

[from NCIS]
Abby: Do you think he's gonna want us to hang around?
McGee: I don't know. I can't imagine there's anything that can't wait 'til tomorrow.
Abby: Go ask him.
McGee: You ask him.
Abby: You're the "Special Agent".
McGee: No, he likes you more.
Abby: That's because I don't ask him stupid questions. Rock paper scissors?
McGee: On three.
Abby: One...two...
Gibbs: Something on your mind?
Abby/McGee: No.
Gibbs: You weren't thinking about leaving, were ya?
Abby: No
McGee: Absolutely not, no.

Funny Quotes of the Day #49

[from NCIS]
Abby: Your hands my body now.
[Palmer massages Abby, Tony walks in]
Palmer: It wasn’t like that.
Tony: It never is. Now go you little autopsy gremlin. Get out of here!

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: Got a box of Honeydust last Christmas. No card.
Tony: Ah...I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their...

Funny Quotes of the Day #48

[from NCIS]
[comparing two people]
Abby: Care to guess which fetish they have in common Kate?
Kate: No, no, I’m going to hell just listening to all this.

[from NCIS]
[talking about a suspect's record]
Abby: We're talking cleaner than clean, whiter than white! You put him in a lineup with snow, snow is going to jail!

Funny Quotes of the Day #47

[from Still Standing]
Bill: [reading from report card] Miller, Brian: A in Econ Jannerman, A in English Cannerelli--
Brian: Dad, that second word is the teacher's last name.
Bill: Ah, then that would explain French Ho.

[from Will and Grace]
Karen: That is when I left home and never looked back.
Jack: Karen, this is not something you can run away from, it's not like a hotel bill or a crying baby.

[from Will and Grace]
Lois: You know what they say: 'Beer before wine, makes you feel fine. Wine before beer makes you feel queer.'
Karen: You! I should've known that nursery ryhme sounded familiar.

Funny Quotes of the Day #46

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: DiNozzo. Where'd you learn how to write, China?
Kate: I'd say Egypt. Looks more like hieroglyphics.
Tony: Hey! You were in a rush to read it.
Gibbs: My mistake.

[from NCIS]
Tony: I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.

Funny Quotes of the Day #45

[from NCIS]
Tony: This is going to suck.
Ziva: Stop complaining.
Tony: Sorry. No sleep tends to do that to me.
Ziva: I drove Tony. You could have slept all night if you wanted.
Tony: I tried but the orchestra of blaring car horns kept me awake.

[from NCIS]
[walking in the woods]
Ziva: This is not the time for sight seeing Tony!
Tony: The only sight I'm seeing is your butt!

Funny Quotes of the Day #44

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: [pouring a drink] Look carefully, ladies; this is your future.
Lily: Is it vodka?
Olive: No, water.
Lily: As in Russian for vodka?

[from NCIS]
[McGee walks in wearing sunglasses]
Tony: Wait a second. I know that look. You had sex, and I am guessing it was with a girl.
McGee: No...
Tony: No it wasn't a girl?
McGee: No...it's none of your business.
Tony: If the Probie was probing last night, I demand details.

[from NCIS]
[Tony hits Ziva with a spitball]
Ziva: Don't you have paperwork, DiNozzo?
Tony: What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper, and I make it work.

Funny Quotes of the Day #43

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: I'm still worried about Randy. After you pick up Mark, will you drive around and look for him?
Tim: Sure. I'll go around a city of six million going "Randy... Randy..."
Jill: Wait, take my cell phone. If you see him, call me, or if he comes back, I'll call you. Wait, what's my number?
Tim: Don't you know?
Jill: Well, I never call myself.
Tim: I never call you either. Why do we have this thing?

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Where's the station wagon, Brad?
Brad: Well, it is called a Nomad, maybe it wandered off.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: When I'm gone, you guys will be the men of the house, so you'll have to do what I normally do around here.
Randy: Electrocute ourselves and irritate Mom?
Tim: Those are big shoes to fill.

Funny Quotes of the Day #42

[from NCIS]
[Gibbs and Abby are signing to each other]
Tony: You know, considering no one in this room is actually deaf, that's really annoying. [Gibbs signs something to Abby] Hey! That was about me, wasn't it?

[from NCIS]
Kate: When I'm a mother, I'm never letting my kids out of my sight.
Tony: Yeah? Well how do you plan on doing that?
Kate: GPS locator strapped to their ankle. Audio and video surveillance built into their clothes.
Tony: No, I mean the part about becoming a mother.

[from NCIS]
Kate: Oh, have you been working out?
Tony: All summer long...thanks for finally noticing.
Kate: No, I mean right now, 'cause you're sweating like a pig and it's not very attractive.

[from NCIS]
Tony: Hey. The only train in the area's an Amtrak. It left DC at 1620 and arrived Lorton 1730, average speed 65 miles an hour. Now, we know it passed our dirtbag at 1706, right? So...dammit. I owe Mrs. Powers an apology.
McGee: Who?
Tony: My tenth grade math teacher. I told her I'd never be able to use anything she taught us in real life.

Funny Quotes of the Day #41

[from NCIS]
Tony: Boss, is there a reason why you always take these back roads?
Kate: Or do you just hate us?
Gibbs: I hate traffic more!
Tony: I think I’m going to puke.
Gibbs: Roll down a window.
[phone rings]
Gibbs: [hands phone to Kate] Here answer this.
Abby: Hey, Gibbs, it’s Abby...
Kate: Abby, it's Kate...you’re going to have to speak up. Gibbs is apparently trying to kill us!

[from NCIS]
Tony: Remember the good old days, Kate?
Kate: What good old days?
Tony: When Gibbs would confide in us and treat us like peers?
Kate: No.
Tony: Good. I thought I was the only one.

[from NCIS]
Tony: Rush hour. Kinda a misnomer if you ask me.
Gibbs: I didn’t.
Tony: I mean it’s not like anybody’s really rushing anywhere and it always takes more than an hour. They should call it, like…
Gibbs: Shut up and sit there before I shoot you hour!
Tony: I was thinking of something a little shorter...

Funny Quotes of the Day #40

[from NCIS]
Tony: Six-letter word for a reason to commit a crime? Come on, don't tense up. Starts with "M."
Kate: Murder.
Tony: No. "Motive".
Kate: Murder is a motive.
Gibbs: What do you have?
Tony: A six-letter word for a reason to commit a crime.
Gibbs: DiNozzo!
Tony: That's seven letters.
Gibbs: Works for me. What have you got?

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: I've never lost an agent undercover. I'm not going to let Dinozzo screw that up.

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: You got him?
Abby: Are you honestly asking me that?
Gibbs: No Abs. I called to flirt.

[from NCIS]
Gibbs: Special Agents…
Saleena: Gibbs and Dinozzo from...uh... NCIS. How may I help you?
Gibbs: You're the psychic, you tell me?
Saleena: Brian McAllister, you found his remains in Black Lake.
Tony: Wow she's good Boss.
Gibbs: It's on the news Dinozzo.

Funny Quotes of the Day #39

[from NCIS]
McGee: Ah, found it. See, the new SS7 data circuits, they block display of the number, but the calling party number message is still carried on the line.
Tony: I don't know what you just said, I don't care what you just said. Just give me the number.

[from NCIS]
Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time, when it didn't really go so well?
Gibbs: Yeah. I remember, DiNozzo.
Tony: Well, listen. I was younger then. Immature, a little unfocused...
Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.

[from NCIS]
Tony: I'm a man of action, Kate.
Kate: More like an action figure.
Tony: Why, you want to play with me?
Kate: As in you look good, but you really can't do much.
Tony: But I look good.

[from NCIS]
Kate: If we screw this up, I have a suggestion.
Tony: What?
Kate: We break into Gibbs's basement and we set his boat on fire.
Tony: That's cold, Kate. I knew there was a reason I liked you.

Funny Quotes of the Day #38

[from NCIS]
Tony: Didn't become an NCIS agent yesterday, Kate. As a matter of fact, tomorrow--
Gibbs: Will have been two years.
Tony: That's kind of touching, Gibbs, remembering the day you hired me.
Gibbs: Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

[from NCIS]
Tony: You know Owens?
Gibbs: Nope.
Tony: Didn't think you would. He's considerably younger than you are.
Gibbs: What would you consider 'considerably'?
Tony: Well, the guy was young, Gibbs. Only 28. Makes him 37 now.
Gibbs: Then considerably would not be an accurate description.
Tony: I didn't realize, boss, how old are you?
Gibbs: Doesn't matter how old I am.
Tony: Well it does, actually, 'cause it gives me a reference point for the word that you were...
Gibbs: [irritated] Can I see the file?

Funny Quotes of the Day #37

[from Friends]
Phoebe: My New Year's Resolution is to pilot a commercial jet plane.
Chandler: That's great Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a plane load of people whose resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

[from Friends]
Phoebe: Lily's dead.
Frank Sr.: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, if she isn't...cremating her was a big mistake.

[from Friends]
Joey: But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man.
Rachel: Exactly. Unisex.
Joey: Maybe you need sex, but I had sex a couple days ago.
Rachel: No, no, no. No, Joey. U-N-I-sex.
Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.

Funny Quotes of the Day #36

[from Friends]
Joey: I play Dr. Drake Ramoray.
Sarah: I'm sorry, I don't own a TV.
Joey: You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?

[from Friends]
Monica: Honey, they have ping pong! Let's play!
Chandler: I don't think so!
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because you know how competitive you get and well, I say it's cute. Others disagree, and I'm lying!

[from Friends]
[talking about ping-pong]
Chandler: Okay, you've each won a game, and I've lost what feels like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.
Monica: Best two out of three?
Mike: That's what I'm thinking.
Chandler: Should I use my invisibility to fight crime, or for evil?

Funny Quotes of the Day #35

[from Supernatural]
[about Bela]
Dean: Can I shoot her?
Sam: Not in public.

[from Supernatural]
Bela: What do you suggest?
Dean: I’m thinking…
Bela: Don’t strain yourself.

[from Supernatural]
Bela: You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex.
Dean: [after a long pause] Don't objectify me.

[from Supernatural]
Bela: [to Dean] I didn't want you thinking...you're not very good at that. Oh, look at you, searching for a witty rejoinder.
Dean: Screw you.
Bela: Very Oscar Wilde.

Funny Quotes of the Day #34

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Come and say hello to your aunts.
Mark: Are they still going to pinch us, even though we're here for a funeral?
Tim: The sadder the occasion, the harder the pinch. See this scar here? My dad's funeral, Aunt Winnie, she took a chunk of flesh right out of my face.

[from Home Improvement]
Randy: I'll take public transportation.
Tim: Don't use your fancy words with me, it's called a bus!

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Half the time at church, you fall asleep.
Tim: But I'm in the building, so I get credit.

Funny Quotes of the Day #33

[from Still Standing]
Judy: How did it go up there?
Bill: Judy, I'm the boy's father, how do you think it went?
Judy: Oh, my God, we've lost him forever.

[from Still Standing]
Judy: There's other ways I express myself without saying "I love you."
Louise: Name one.
Judy: You're still alive, aren't you?

Funny Quotes of the Day #32

[from Still Standing]
Judy: Brian hit Tina.
Bill: Sounds like a fair fight--one hits like a girl, the other's Tina.

[from Still Standing]
Linda: God was lonely, and he needed a pet, so this morning he called on Nathaniel Pawthorne. And, uh, I like to think he's in a big park in the sky, chasing birds, and probably even playing with your old gerbil, Peanut.
Tina: Peanut's dead. He's in the ground and worms are eating him.
Linda: Who stole your soul!?

Funny Quotes of the Day #31

[from The Office]
Michael: Do you know what it's like to be disabled?
Phyllis: I had scoliosis as a girl.
Michael: Never heard of it. No - a real disability. Not a woman's problem.

[from The Office]
[talking to a guy in a wheelchair]
Michael: Let me ask you something. How long does it take for you to do something simple? Everyday. Like brush your teeth in the morning.
Billy: I don't know, like, 30 seconds?
Michael: Oh my god. That's three times as long as it takes me.

Funny Quotes of the Day #30

[from Still Standing]
Judy: [to Chris] I think it's great how you've accepted having two moms. And what's to accept? It's natural. In fact, it's better than natural; it's supernatural.
Brian: Mom, they're lesbians, not ghosts.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: Yesterday, a ferrier named Lucas Shoemaker was found dead. Trampled.
Emerson: Why should I care about a dude that sells fur coats?
Olive: Not a furrier, a ferrier.
Emerson: Fair-rier?
Olive: It's a blacksmith. Puts shoes on horses.
Emerson: Don't try to act like that's a word everybody knows.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Emerson: You can't die of evilness.
Chuck: Happens all the time, you do something mean or hurtful to someone like tell a secret... Bang! You're dead.
Olive: Or Bang! You're not really dead you're just pretending to be dead while other people who think you're dead are heartbroken.
Emerson: Or Bang! You talk too much and you both go wait in the car.

Funny Quotes of the Day #29

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Sex is like a car. You gotta keep your car in your garage for a long time. When you finally bring it out, you gotta think car cover.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: You're mad at me because of something I did to you in a dream?
Jill: Dreams are a window into our subconscious.
Tim: Well, close the window and go back to bed!

[from Home Improvement]
[the boys are trying to stop Tim's snoring]
Brad: What if we hold his nose shut?
Randy: Then he'll breath through his mouth.
Brad: What if we hold his nose and mouth shut?
Randy: I think that's called murder.

Funny Quotes of the Day #28

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: It's much safer for a man to have a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation.
Tim: Says who, the Wives With Knives Club?

[from Home Improvement]
Dr. Kaplan: The morning of your appointment you'd have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions.
Tim: Shave? Here?!
Dr. Kaplan: It's a routine procedure.
Tim: Not in my house it isn't! What do you think - I wake up, brush my teeth, comb my hair and shave ping and pong?!

Funny Quotes of the Day #27

[from The Office]
Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate, because it turns out that Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

[from The Office]
[filling out forums at the hospital]
Michael: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight: Danger.
Michael: It's something with a "K"...
Jim: It's Kurt... wow, it's so sad that I know that.

[from The Office]
Dwight: OK. I'm going to have to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight: I go down to the police station, on my lunch break. I tell a police officer (I know several) what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way

Funny Quotes of the Day #26

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Heidi is a co-worker. To me she's just Al with less facial hair and a better physique.
Jill: Yeah, I get them mixed up myself.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: [helping Mark with his homework] A pronoun is a noun that gets paid for what an amateur noun would do for free.

Funny Quotes of the Day #25

[from Still Standing]
Bill: Why didn't we stop after one kid? [Brian walks in twirling his baton] Oh, that's right. I wanted a boy!

[from Still Standing]
Brian: [on his baton] I call it 'Wonder Boy.'
Bill: 'Cause when you twirl it, we wonder if you're a boy?

[from Still Standing]
Bill: You show up with a college girl, you'd be a legend in your high school.
Brian: The guys in twirling squad would lose it.
Bill: I don't think the guys in twirling squad are ever gonna lose it.

[from Still Standing]
Judy: Don't you think there's a little double-standard there?
Bill: Not at all. I have one standard for Brian and another different standard for Lauren. That way, they each get their own.
Judy: I was gonna say that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next.

Funny Quotes of the Day #24

[from George Lopez]
[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]
George: From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

[from Pushing Daisies]
Emerson: That was the Truth bus.
Olive: That wasn't the Truth bus, that was the Bitchy Crosstown Express.

[from Pushing Daisies]
[while Emerson is stuck in a little window]
Chuck: Are you stuck?
Emerson: No.
Chuck: Yes you are! Like Winnie the Pooh. Give me your paws, Pooh.

Funny Quotes of the Day #23

[from NCIS]
Ziva: And I’m driving you home. [holds up Tony's keys]
Tony: Probie?!
McGee: Uh, Ziva, actually I should probably drive him home tonight.
Ziva: Why is that?
Abby: Maybe he wants to live?

[from NCIS]
[examining Tony]
Ducky: There doesn’t seem to be any permanent damage. How many times did he hit you?
Tony: I wasn’t counting.
Ziva: 7 times.
Tony: She was of course.

Funny Quotes of the Day #22

[from NCIS]
[Tony is setting up a romantic dinner for two in the middle of a parking lot]
Jeanne: This is like a scene from an old movie...wait a second...is this a scene from an old movie?
Tony: Ah...well that really depends.
Jeanne: On?
Tony: Have you ever seen the movie called Strangers in the Night with Cary Grant?
Jeanne: No, I don't think I have...
Tony: Then no, this is a completely original idea that I came up with all by myself!

[from NCIS]
Tony: Well you know you've been in the hospital too long when you've figured out the vending machine.

[from NCIS]
[after McGee walks in wearing scrubs]
Tony: If the clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?
Ziva: Male nurse?
Tony: Aqua Smurf.

Funny Quotes of the Day #21

[from Hope and Faith]
[when cleaning out the attic]
Hope: We have to get rid of what we don't want.
Charley: You heard her, Faith. Get in the box.

[from Hope and Faith]
[while in court]
Hope: We're having a 5 minute recess.
Faith: Okay, where is this playground anyway?

[from Hope and Faith]
Hope: Aren't you afraid we can die up here?
Faith: No I went to go see a psychic. I'm going to live to be 95.
Hope: What about me?
Faith: Oh yeah...watch your step

[from Hope and Faith]
Faith: Shy sista, mean sista. Too scared to speak sista...in the eighth grade, wouldn't even give a peak, sista.

Funny Quotes of the Day #20

[from Will and Grace]
Jack: What ever made you afraid of elevators anyway?
Karen: I'll never forget it. My fellow office workers and I were heading down to lunch and suddenly...the lights went out, the elevator dropped and...Dennis Hopper said he'd kill us all if his demands weren't met. Thank God Keanu Reeves was there to get us out!
Jack: Karen…that wasn’t you! That was the opening scene to Speed!
Karen: That movie wasn’t at all what he was advertised about…you think you’re gonna see a feel good movie about amphetamines but next thing you know you’re on a bus.

[from Will and Grace]
[after leaving a cake somewhere]
Karen: Now think, where did you leave it?
Jack: Ok, ok, ok. Wait a minute. What floor were we on when I pantsed you?
Karen: The 21st floor!
Jack: Are you sure?
Karen: Positive, cos I remember thinking "Here I am, on the 21st floor, with no pants on... again!"

[from Will and Grace]
Grace: Why would a baby need a backpack?
Will: Maybe to carry stuff to his homies' cribs.

Funny Quotes of the Day #19

[from Special Unit 2]
Lester: I detect angry cynicism.
Nick: And I detect a man who lives in his mother’s basement.

[from Special Unit 2]
Carl: Road trip! I call shotgun.
Nick: I think I can arrange one.

[from Special Unit 2]
[after spending time in a jail cell]
Carl: Being down here has changed me.
Nick: You're finally going to start to bathe?

[from Special Unit 2]
Carl: You’ve heard of an id, haven’t you, O’Malley?
Nick: Yes, in your case it’s short for "idiot."

Funny Quotes of the Day #18

[from Supernatural]
Dean: Hey, who's that?
Sam: [trying to cover up his phone call] Oh, I was just ordering pizza.
Dean: Dude, you do realize that you’re in a restaurant?
Sam: Yeah! Oh, yeah… [lamely] I just felt like pizza, y’know?
Dean: Okay...Weirdy McWeirderson.

[from Supernatural]
Sam: So let me get this straight. You want to drive all the way to Cicero just to hook up with some random chick?
Dean: She was a yoga teacher. That was the bendiest weekend of my life!

[from Supernatural]
Ruby: [eating a french fry] These are amazing. It's like deep fried crack.

Funny Quotes of the Day #17

[from Reba]
[Van confronts Cheyenne with the alcohol bottle Reba found in their closet]
Van: Cheyenne is this your bottle?
Cheyenne: My bottle? Why would you think that is my bottle?
Van: Well, it's not mine, and if it's not yours...then our three-year-old has a major problem!

[from Reba]
Van: [to Brock] Why don't you ask Mrs. H. to talk to Barbra Jean? She doesn't mind saying mean things to her.
Reba: I'm in.
Brock: You don't even know what we're talking about.
Reba: Doesn't matter, if it's about Barbra Jean and it's mean, I'm in.

[from Special Unit 2]
Jonathan: It’s sand.
Kate: What kind of sand is it?
Jonathan: Sand… sand.
Nick: Obviously your six years of high school weren’t wasted.

Funny Quotes of the Day #16

[from Friends]
[after being robbed]
Rachel: They really got you guys! The TV, the stereo...
Phoebe: The microwave, the chairs...
Joey: Aww man, he took the five of spades! Oh, no here it is.

[from Friends]
Joanna: [to Chandler] Wait, what are you doing?
Chandler: Getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler: Well, when I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.

[from Friends]
Rachel: Chandler, did you tell Rick that I was looking for a serious relationship?
Chandler: I did! I absolutely did!
Rachel: You idiot!
Chandler: I'm sure you're right, but why?

Funny Quotes of the Day #15

[from The Office]
Dwight: [talking about Jim] Dammit, he put my stapler in jello again!
[points to Michael]
Dwight: You can be a witness to this.
Jim: [eating jello] How do you know it was me?

[from The Office]
Jim: Sometimes I send Dwight faxes from himself in the future.
Dwight: [reading fax] Dear Dwight, Someone will poison the coffee this morining. Do not drink the coffee! More instructions will follow. From Future Dwight.
[sees Stanley about to drink the coffee and jumps for the cup]
Dwight: NO STANLEY!

Funny Quotes of the Day #14

[from Home Improvement]
Al: I saw Mark in his costume. I always wanted to be the letter N.
Tim: That's impossible, Al. The song specifically says No Al.
[singing to the tune of Noel]
Tim: No Al, No Al, No Al, No Al.

[from Home Improvement]

Tim: Harry is acting like this is the greatest thing that ever happened to him, but you know what? I'm not buying it. They argue a lot, yes, he loves her and deep down somewhere this guy is hurting.

Jill: Oh my God.
Tim: What happened?
Jill: Did you just hear yourself? You've had an insight. And it was incredibly sensitive. Instead of taking Harry's behavior at face value, you looked deeper and saw his inner pain.
Tim: I didn't mean to. I swear to God I didn't mean to.

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: You know what this means, don't you? You're evolving.
Tim: I am not and you take that back.

[from Home Improvement]
Wilson: Maybe the good doctor has ESP.
Tim: What does having a cable sports channel have to do with this?

Funny Quotes of the Day #13

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: I was driving past the lumber yard, and I had a vision.
Jill: You get a vision every time you drive past the lumber yard, that's why when I'm in the car we never go that way.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: I think men have a lot in common with babies. We get cranky when our dinner isn't ready on time, we like to take naps in the afternoon, and I don't know any man who doesn't love a spirited game of peek-a-boo.

Funny Quotes of the Day #12

[from Special Unit 2]
Nick: Stick to the business at hand.
Carl: I am. She’s not even my type.
Nick: What, you can’t deflate her and put her in a brown paper bag?

[from Special Unit 2]
Kate: [as Nick strangles Carl] Would you let go of his neck? He can't breath.
Nick: That's the whole point!

[from Home Improvement]
[while camping, Tim finally comes back]
Jill: Thank God! I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling.
Tim: Oh, that was me. I couldn't find any leaves so I had to use a pinecone.

Funny Quotes of the Day #11

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: I'm really uncomfortable with this death thing. That's why we had kids instead of pets. They last longer.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: You lie to her. [pause] Tell her you gotta spend all your time with your husband. He's got a severve mental problem.
Jill: Where's the lie?

[from Supernatural]
[after Sam walked in on Dean having sex]
Sam: Dean, let me see your knife.
Dean: What for?
Sam: So I can gouge my eyes out.
[Dean laughs]
Dean: It was a beautiful, natural act, Sam.
Sam: That's a part of you I never wanted to see, Dean.

Funny Quotes of the Day #10

[from Will and Grace]
Karen: [suspiciously] What is going on with you? You've never had a hard time spending my money before.
Rosario: You want the truth?
Karen: Not if it's long.
Rosario: What if I said I didn't want any of these things?
Karen: I'd say you were crazy.
Rosario: What if I said I've just been stalling so I could spend more time with you?
Karen: I'd say you were a lesbian.
Rosario: What if I said that's all I wanted for our anniversary?
Karen: I'd say you were a crazy lesbian.

[from Will and Grace]
Grace: Ok, does this make me look fat?
Nathan: A little.
Grace: What? What? Did you really just say that!?
Nathan: Don't you want to look a little fatter?
Grace: Try again.
Nathan: Uh... Well, you're very skinny, Grace.
Grace: Well, Nathan, what are you saying? Am I fat or am I skinny?
Nathan: Um, I... I'm afraid to go on.

Funny Quotes of the Day #9

[from Supernatural]
Dean: Sam, this plane is going to crash, okay? So quit treating me like I'm freakin' four!
Sam: [very calmly] You need to calm down.
Dean: Well, I'm sorry I can't!
Sam: [still calm] Yes, you can.
Dean: Dude, stow the touchy-feely, self-help-yoga crap. It's not helping!

[from Supernatural]
Dean: I thought the legend said the Mordecai only goes after chicks.
Sam: It does.
Dean: Alright, well I mean that explains why it went after you, but why me?

[from Supernatural]
Sam: You know, I heard you before Dean, when Andy made you tell the truth. You're just as scared of this as I am.
Dean: That was mind control. That, that, that was like being roofied man, that doesn't count. No, I call a do-over.
Sam: What are you, 7?

Funny Quotes of the Day #8

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Hey, Tim, dinner's ready.
Tim: I'm not really that hungry.
Jill: I didn't cook it.
Tim: I'm famished.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Wilson, let's say you didn't have my phone number and you wanted to call me.
Wilson: I have your phone number, Tim.
Tim: But what if you didn't?
Wilson: I suppose I'd ask you for it.
Tim: But what if you didn't know me?
Wilson: Then why would I want to call you?

Funny Quotes of the Day #7

[from Still Standing]
Lauren: There's this PTA meeting tonight. One of you has to go, it's mandatory.
Bill: You're the mother.
Judy: You're the father.
Bill: Prove it.

[from Still Standing]
Bill: Judy, who would want to go to a Mother's Day high tea?
Brian: Wow, did someone say high tea? Can I go?
Judy: No, Brian, it's a mother-daughter tradition in my family. And Lauren is going for the first time!
Brian: That's not fair. I'd appreciate a high tea more than her.
Bill: Pick a team, son. Pick a team.

Funny Quotes of the Day #6

[from Friends]
[after Monica gets a disastrous haircut]
Ross: How's Monica?
Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her, [pause] Ross, you can go on in.

[from Will and Grace]
Grace: Hmmm. Well, you've come on a good night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know Jack's gay.
Karen: How could she not know? What is she, headless?

Funny Quotes of the Day #5

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
[Germ comes riding in on a scooter]
Germ: Hey Doctor Hottie, ready to shred some rails?
Ashley: [takes scooter] Hey Germ.
Pete: [to Ashley] You’re going skateboarding with Germ?
Germ: Skateboarding? Hello, welcome to Fall 2000. I mean if you want to skateboard man, get in your time machine and travel back to June.
Pete: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell your parents about birth control.
Germ: [nods] Me too.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Irene: So where were we Petey-linguini?
Berg: Hey Pete, she just called you a limp noodle…are you gonna take that!?

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
[hears banging on the door]
Berg: I’m coming [more banging]…I’m coming!
[Berg opens the door]
Sharon: Why did Pete go to Paris?
Berg: [sarcastically] For the snails.
Sharon: He left because of me, didn’t he?
Berg: Yes. That’s why everybody goes to Europe. [pause] In fact, at customs...they ask for business, pleasure, or because of Sharon!

Funny Quotes of the Day #4

[from Supernatural]
Dean: I dont know what this thing is.
Sam: You mean Carly's Myspace address?
Dean: Yeah, Myspace. What the hell is that? Seriously, is that like, some sort of porn site?

[from Still Standing]
[visting a religious family's house, Bill sees a picture of Jesus]
Bill: Man, these people sure do love that Kenny Loggins.
Lauren: Dad, that's GOD.
Bill: Eh, he won a few Grammys, nothing really special.

[from Home Improvement]
Randy: You're acting like a tyrannical fascist.
Tim: [turns to Jill] Did he just call me a dinosaur?

Funny Quotes of the Day #3

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
[sitting on the couch watching TV]
Pete: This game sucks. Where’s the remote?
Berg: I don’t know, where’d you put it?
Pete: I think Sharon’s sitting on it.
Sharon: No, I’m not.
Berg: Well, are you sure?
Sharon: Yeah, I think I’d feel it.
Pete: Sharon, I left it right where you’re sitting. Come on, get up, get up.
Berg: Come on, let’s go!
Sharon: [standing up] All right, all right, all right! [points to an empty seat] See!
Berg: Listen, while you’re up, could you get us a couple more beers?

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: [about mice] They're dirty, they carry disease, they eat garbage...
Tim: So do the boys, you're not afraid of them.

[from NCIS]
[Tony tries to take some food but Ziva slaps his hand]
Ziva: We're not here to eat. We're here to protect the Director.
Tony: Ziva, this is probably the most secure building in the whole country right now...CIA, DSS, ATF, FBI...the whole alphabet's here!

Funny Quotes of the Day #2

[from Will and Grace]
Grace: So I need you to walk me down the aisle.
Will: I can't do that. I'm running this show. I've got a million things to attend to. Get Jack to do it.
Grace: I'm not having Jack walk me down the aisle. He'll meet someone halfway down and ditch me!
Will: Well, then get Karen to do it.
Grace: Karen? When was the last time she could walk a straight line!?

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Berg: Help me pick a new major. No, I'm serious. I need to make a decision, go ahead pick a major, any major.
Pete: Russian Economics.
Berg: Phew, glad that's over with.

Funny Quotes of the Day #1

[from Still Standing]
Brian: Oh, no, I was praying it wasn't you.
Bill: What are you talking about?
Brian: Some kid said they saw a hooker and her parole officer walking around and I said, "Please don't let it be my parents."
Judy: How could you think it would be us?
Brian: It is you!

[from Hope and Faith]
Faith: Oh, a special VIP entrance! Faithy likey!!
[a few seconds later]
Faith: This is the parking garage! Faithy no likey!!!

[from Reba]
[in the hospital, after Cheyenne had a false labor, Barbra Jean sits down on a chair]
Barbra Jean: I think my water just broke!
Reba: Oh No! [pause] Your sitting on my purse!