Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #29

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Sex is like a car. You gotta keep your car in your garage for a long time. When you finally bring it out, you gotta think car cover.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: You're mad at me because of something I did to you in a dream?
Jill: Dreams are a window into our subconscious.
Tim: Well, close the window and go back to bed!

[from Home Improvement]
[the boys are trying to stop Tim's snoring]
Brad: What if we hold his nose shut?
Randy: Then he'll breath through his mouth.
Brad: What if we hold his nose and mouth shut?
Randy: I think that's called murder.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #28

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: It's much safer for a man to have a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation.
Tim: Says who, the Wives With Knives Club?

[from Home Improvement]
Dr. Kaplan: The morning of your appointment you'd have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions.
Tim: Shave? Here?!
Dr. Kaplan: It's a routine procedure.
Tim: Not in my house it isn't! What do you think - I wake up, brush my teeth, comb my hair and shave ping and pong?!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #27

[from The Office]
Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate, because it turns out that Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

[from The Office]
[filling out forums at the hospital]
Michael: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight: Danger.
Michael: It's something with a "K"...
Jim: It's Kurt... wow, it's so sad that I know that.

[from The Office]
Dwight: OK. I'm going to have to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight: I go down to the police station, on my lunch break. I tell a police officer (I know several) what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #26

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Heidi is a co-worker. To me she's just Al with less facial hair and a better physique.
Jill: Yeah, I get them mixed up myself.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: [helping Mark with his homework] A pronoun is a noun that gets paid for what an amateur noun would do for free.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #25

[from Still Standing]
Bill: Why didn't we stop after one kid? [Brian walks in twirling his baton] Oh, that's right. I wanted a boy!

[from Still Standing]
Brian: [on his baton] I call it 'Wonder Boy.'
Bill: 'Cause when you twirl it, we wonder if you're a boy?

[from Still Standing]
Bill: You show up with a college girl, you'd be a legend in your high school.
Brian: The guys in twirling squad would lose it.
Bill: I don't think the guys in twirling squad are ever gonna lose it.

[from Still Standing]
Judy: Don't you think there's a little double-standard there?
Bill: Not at all. I have one standard for Brian and another different standard for Lauren. That way, they each get their own.
Judy: I was gonna say that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #24

[from George Lopez]
[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]
George: From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

[from Pushing Daisies]
Emerson: That was the Truth bus.
Olive: That wasn't the Truth bus, that was the Bitchy Crosstown Express.

[from Pushing Daisies]
[while Emerson is stuck in a little window]
Chuck: Are you stuck?
Emerson: No.
Chuck: Yes you are! Like Winnie the Pooh. Give me your paws, Pooh.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #23

[from NCIS]
Ziva: And I’m driving you home. [holds up Tony's keys]
Tony: Probie?!
McGee: Uh, Ziva, actually I should probably drive him home tonight.
Ziva: Why is that?
Abby: Maybe he wants to live?

[from NCIS]
[examining Tony]
Ducky: There doesn’t seem to be any permanent damage. How many times did he hit you?
Tony: I wasn’t counting.
Ziva: 7 times.
Tony: She was of course.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #22

[from NCIS]
[Tony is setting up a romantic dinner for two in the middle of a parking lot]
Jeanne: This is like a scene from an old movie...wait a second...is this a scene from an old movie?
Tony: Ah...well that really depends.
Jeanne: On?
Tony: Have you ever seen the movie called Strangers in the Night with Cary Grant?
Jeanne: No, I don't think I have...
Tony: Then no, this is a completely original idea that I came up with all by myself!

[from NCIS]
Tony: Well you know you've been in the hospital too long when you've figured out the vending machine.

[from NCIS]
[after McGee walks in wearing scrubs]
Tony: If the clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?
Ziva: Male nurse?
Tony: Aqua Smurf.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #21

[from Hope and Faith]
[when cleaning out the attic]
Hope: We have to get rid of what we don't want.
Charley: You heard her, Faith. Get in the box.

[from Hope and Faith]
[while in court]
Hope: We're having a 5 minute recess.
Faith: Okay, where is this playground anyway?

[from Hope and Faith]
Hope: Aren't you afraid we can die up here?
Faith: No I went to go see a psychic. I'm going to live to be 95.
Hope: What about me?
Faith: Oh yeah...watch your step

[from Hope and Faith]
Faith: Shy sista, mean sista. Too scared to speak sista...in the eighth grade, wouldn't even give a peak, sista.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #20

[from Will and Grace]
Jack: What ever made you afraid of elevators anyway?
Karen: I'll never forget it. My fellow office workers and I were heading down to lunch and suddenly...the lights went out, the elevator dropped and...Dennis Hopper said he'd kill us all if his demands weren't met. Thank God Keanu Reeves was there to get us out!
Jack: Karen…that wasn’t you! That was the opening scene to Speed!
Karen: That movie wasn’t at all what he was advertised about…you think you’re gonna see a feel good movie about amphetamines but next thing you know you’re on a bus.

[from Will and Grace]
[after leaving a cake somewhere]
Karen: Now think, where did you leave it?
Jack: Ok, ok, ok. Wait a minute. What floor were we on when I pantsed you?
Karen: The 21st floor!
Jack: Are you sure?
Karen: Positive, cos I remember thinking "Here I am, on the 21st floor, with no pants on... again!"

[from Will and Grace]
Grace: Why would a baby need a backpack?
Will: Maybe to carry stuff to his homies' cribs.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #19

[from Special Unit 2]
Lester: I detect angry cynicism.
Nick: And I detect a man who lives in his mother’s basement.

[from Special Unit 2]
Carl: Road trip! I call shotgun.
Nick: I think I can arrange one.

[from Special Unit 2]
[after spending time in a jail cell]
Carl: Being down here has changed me.
Nick: You're finally going to start to bathe?

[from Special Unit 2]
Carl: You’ve heard of an id, haven’t you, O’Malley?
Nick: Yes, in your case it’s short for "idiot."

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #18

[from Supernatural]
Dean: Hey, who's that?
Sam: [trying to cover up his phone call] Oh, I was just ordering pizza.
Dean: Dude, you do realize that you’re in a restaurant?
Sam: Yeah! Oh, yeah… [lamely] I just felt like pizza, y’know?
Dean: Okay...Weirdy McWeirderson.

[from Supernatural]
Sam: So let me get this straight. You want to drive all the way to Cicero just to hook up with some random chick?
Dean: She was a yoga teacher. That was the bendiest weekend of my life!

[from Supernatural]
Ruby: [eating a french fry] These are amazing. It's like deep fried crack.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #17

[from Reba]
[Van confronts Cheyenne with the alcohol bottle Reba found in their closet]
Van: Cheyenne is this your bottle?
Cheyenne: My bottle? Why would you think that is my bottle?
Van: Well, it's not mine, and if it's not yours...then our three-year-old has a major problem!

[from Reba]
Van: [to Brock] Why don't you ask Mrs. H. to talk to Barbra Jean? She doesn't mind saying mean things to her.
Reba: I'm in.
Brock: You don't even know what we're talking about.
Reba: Doesn't matter, if it's about Barbra Jean and it's mean, I'm in.

[from Special Unit 2]
Jonathan: It’s sand.
Kate: What kind of sand is it?
Jonathan: Sand… sand.
Nick: Obviously your six years of high school weren’t wasted.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #16

[from Friends]
[after being robbed]
Rachel: They really got you guys! The TV, the stereo...
Phoebe: The microwave, the chairs...
Joey: Aww man, he took the five of spades! Oh, no here it is.

[from Friends]
Joanna: [to Chandler] Wait, what are you doing?
Chandler: Getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler: Well, when I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.

[from Friends]
Rachel: Chandler, did you tell Rick that I was looking for a serious relationship?
Chandler: I did! I absolutely did!
Rachel: You idiot!
Chandler: I'm sure you're right, but why?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #15

[from The Office]
Dwight: [talking about Jim] Dammit, he put my stapler in jello again!
[points to Michael]
Dwight: You can be a witness to this.
Jim: [eating jello] How do you know it was me?

[from The Office]
Jim: Sometimes I send Dwight faxes from himself in the future.
Dwight: [reading fax] Dear Dwight, Someone will poison the coffee this morining. Do not drink the coffee! More instructions will follow. From Future Dwight.
[sees Stanley about to drink the coffee and jumps for the cup]
Dwight: NO STANLEY!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #14

[from Home Improvement]
Al: I saw Mark in his costume. I always wanted to be the letter N.
Tim: That's impossible, Al. The song specifically says No Al.
[singing to the tune of Noel]
Tim: No Al, No Al, No Al, No Al.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Harry is acting like this is the greatest thing that ever happened to him, but you know what? I'm not buying it. They argue a lot, yes, he loves her and deep down somewhere this guy is hurting.
Jill: Oh my God.
Tim: What happened?
Jill: Did you just hear yourself? You've had an insight. And it was incredibly sensitive. Instead of taking Harry's behavior at face value, you looked deeper and saw his inner pain.
Tim: I didn't mean to. I swear to God I didn't mean to.

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: You know what this means, don't you? You're evolving.
Tim: I am not and you take that back.

[from Home Improvement]
Wilson: Maybe the good doctor has ESP.
Tim: What does having a cable sports channel have to do with this?

Monday, October 8, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #13

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: I was driving past the lumber yard, and I had a vision.
Jill: You get a vision every time you drive past the lumber yard, that's why when I'm in the car we never go that way.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: I think men have a lot in common with babies. We get cranky when our dinner isn't ready on time, we like to take naps in the afternoon, and I don't know any man who doesn't love a spirited game of peek-a-boo.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #12

[from Special Unit 2]
Nick: Stick to the business at hand.
Carl: I am. She’s not even my type.
Nick: What, you can’t deflate her and put her in a brown paper bag?

[from Special Unit 2]
Kate: [as Nick strangles Carl] Would you let go of his neck? He can't breath.
Nick: That's the whole point!

[from Home Improvement]
[while camping, Tim finally comes back]
Jill: Thank God! I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling.
Tim: Oh, that was me. I couldn't find any leaves so I had to use a pinecone.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #11

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: I'm really uncomfortable with this death thing. That's why we had kids instead of pets. They last longer.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: You lie to her. [pause] Tell her you gotta spend all your time with your husband. He's got a severve mental problem.
Jill: Where's the lie?

[from Supernatural]
[after Sam walked in on Dean having sex]
Sam: Dean, let me see your knife.
Dean: What for?
Sam: So I can gouge my eyes out.
[Dean laughs]
Dean: It was a beautiful, natural act, Sam.
Sam: That's a part of you I never wanted to see, Dean.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #10

[from Will and Grace]
Karen: [suspiciously] What is going on with you? You've never had a hard time spending my money before.
Rosario: You want the truth?
Karen: Not if it's long.
Rosario: What if I said I didn't want any of these things?
Karen: I'd say you were crazy.
Rosario: What if I said I've just been stalling so I could spend more time with you?
Karen: I'd say you were a lesbian.
Rosario: What if I said that's all I wanted for our anniversary?
Karen: I'd say you were a crazy lesbian.

[from Will and Grace]
Grace: Ok, does this make me look fat?
Nathan: A little.
Grace: What? What? Did you really just say that!?
Nathan: Don't you want to look a little fatter?
Grace: Try again.
Nathan: Uh... Well, you're very skinny, Grace.
Grace: Well, Nathan, what are you saying? Am I fat or am I skinny?
Nathan: Um, I... I'm afraid to go on.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #9

[from Supernatural]
Dean: Sam, this plane is going to crash, okay? So quit treating me like I'm freakin' four!
Sam: [very calmly] You need to calm down.
Dean: Well, I'm sorry I can't!
Sam: [still calm] Yes, you can.
Dean: Dude, stow the touchy-feely, self-help-yoga crap. It's not helping!

[from Supernatural]
Dean: I thought the legend said the Mordecai only goes after chicks.
Sam: It does.
Dean: Alright, well I mean that explains why it went after you, but why me?

[from Supernatural]
Sam: You know, I heard you before Dean, when Andy made you tell the truth. You're just as scared of this as I am.
Dean: That was mind control. That, that, that was like being roofied man, that doesn't count. No, I call a do-over.
Sam: What are you, 7?

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #8

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Hey, Tim, dinner's ready.
Tim: I'm not really that hungry.
Jill: I didn't cook it.
Tim: I'm famished.

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Wilson, let's say you didn't have my phone number and you wanted to call me.
Wilson: I have your phone number, Tim.
Tim: But what if you didn't?
Wilson: I suppose I'd ask you for it.
Tim: But what if you didn't know me?
Wilson: Then why would I want to call you?

Monday, October 1, 2007

Funny Quotes of the Day #7

[from Still Standing]
Lauren: There's this PTA meeting tonight. One of you has to go, it's mandatory.
Bill: You're the mother.
Judy: You're the father.
Bill: Prove it.

[from Still Standing]
Bill: Judy, who would want to go to a Mother's Day high tea?
Brian: Wow, did someone say high tea? Can I go?
Judy: No, Brian, it's a mother-daughter tradition in my family. And Lauren is going for the first time!
Brian: That's not fair. I'd appreciate a high tea more than her.
Bill: Pick a team, son. Pick a team.