Funny Quotes of the Day #6

[from Friends]
[after Monica gets a disastrous haircut]
Ross: How's Monica?
Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her, [pause] Ross, you can go on in.

[from Will and Grace]
Grace: Hmmm. Well, you've come on a good night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know Jack's gay.
Karen: How could she not know? What is she, headless?

Funny Quotes of the Day #5

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
[Germ comes riding in on a scooter]
Germ: Hey Doctor Hottie, ready to shred some rails?
Ashley: [takes scooter] Hey Germ.
Pete: [to Ashley] You’re going skateboarding with Germ?
Germ: Skateboarding? Hello, welcome to Fall 2000. I mean if you want to skateboard man, get in your time machine and travel back to June.
Pete: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell your parents about birth control.
Germ: [nods] Me too.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Irene: So where were we Petey-linguini?
Berg: Hey Pete, she just called you a limp noodle…are you gonna take that!?

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
[hears banging on the door]
Berg: I’m coming [more banging]…I’m coming!
[Berg opens the door]
Sharon: Why did Pete go to Paris?
Berg: [sarcastically] For the snails.
Sharon: He left because of me, didn’t he?
Berg: Yes. That’s why everybody goes to Europe. [pause] In fact, at customs...they ask for business, pleasure, or because of Sharon!

Funny Quotes of the Day #4

[from Supernatural]
Dean: I dont know what this thing is.
Sam: You mean Carly's Myspace address?
Dean: Yeah, Myspace. What the hell is that? Seriously, is that like, some sort of porn site?

[from Still Standing]
[visting a religious family's house, Bill sees a picture of Jesus]
Bill: Man, these people sure do love that Kenny Loggins.
Lauren: Dad, that's GOD.
Bill: Eh, he won a few Grammys, nothing really special.

[from Home Improvement]
Randy: You're acting like a tyrannical fascist.
Tim: [turns to Jill] Did he just call me a dinosaur?

Funny Quotes of the Day #3

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
[sitting on the couch watching TV]
Pete: This game sucks. Where’s the remote?
Berg: I don’t know, where’d you put it?
Pete: I think Sharon’s sitting on it.
Sharon: No, I’m not.
Berg: Well, are you sure?
Sharon: Yeah, I think I’d feel it.
Pete: Sharon, I left it right where you’re sitting. Come on, get up, get up.
Berg: Come on, let’s go!
Sharon: [standing up] All right, all right, all right! [points to an empty seat] See!
Berg: Listen, while you’re up, could you get us a couple more beers?

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: [about mice] They're dirty, they carry disease, they eat garbage...
Tim: So do the boys, you're not afraid of them.

[from NCIS]
[Tony tries to take some food but Ziva slaps his hand]
Ziva: We're not here to eat. We're here to protect the Director.
Tony: Ziva, this is probably the most secure building in the whole country right now...CIA, DSS, ATF, FBI...the whole alphabet's here!

Funny Quotes of the Day #2

[from Will and Grace]
Grace: So I need you to walk me down the aisle.
Will: I can't do that. I'm running this show. I've got a million things to attend to. Get Jack to do it.
Grace: I'm not having Jack walk me down the aisle. He'll meet someone halfway down and ditch me!
Will: Well, then get Karen to do it.
Grace: Karen? When was the last time she could walk a straight line!?

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Berg: Help me pick a new major. No, I'm serious. I need to make a decision, go ahead pick a major, any major.
Pete: Russian Economics.
Berg: Phew, glad that's over with.

Funny Quotes of the Day #1

[from Still Standing]
Brian: Oh, no, I was praying it wasn't you.
Bill: What are you talking about?
Brian: Some kid said they saw a hooker and her parole officer walking around and I said, "Please don't let it be my parents."
Judy: How could you think it would be us?
Brian: It is you!

[from Hope and Faith]
Faith: Oh, a special VIP entrance! Faithy likey!!
[a few seconds later]
Faith: This is the parking garage! Faithy no likey!!!

[from Reba]
[in the hospital, after Cheyenne had a false labor, Barbra Jean sits down on a chair]
Barbra Jean: I think my water just broke!
Reba: Oh No! [pause] Your sitting on my purse!