Funny quotes of the day #120

[from New Girl]
Nick: I'm fantastic at sex!
Winston: You're scared to get a haircut!
Nick: Yeah, I don't like getting a haircut, it's too intimate. What does that have to do with sex?

[from New Girl]
[talking about sex]
Nick: I was sixteen! I have gotten a lot better!
Schmidt: You haven't gotten that much better. I used to listen to you and Caroline all the time when we were in college. It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner. "Are you okay? Yeah. Are you okay? Yeah."

Funny quotes of the day #119

[from New Girl]
Cece: (about Nick) And did you see his feet? Guy's feet point at what they want. His feet were pointing right at you.
Jess: Why wouldn't his feet point at me? Otherwise, he's standing like a duck.

[from New Girl]
Nick: No, I don't dance. I'm from the town in Footloose.

[from New Girl]
Jess: No! He's here early, how do I look?
Schmidt: It's better if you don't know.

Funny quotes of the day #118

[from Still Standing]
Lauren: Dad, I need some help with my homework.
Bill: Yeah, I know, I've seen your grades.

[from Still Standing]
Judy: You quit your babysitting job? What are you going to fall back on if this falls through?
Lauren: The fact that I'm 14 and you kind of legally have to take care of me.

[from Still Standing]
Linda: Brian's going to take my picture for lindasgooseclothes.com
Bill: Was isellcrap.com taken?

Funny quotes of the day #117

[from New Girl]
Schmidt: I'll be like your guide.
Jess: Like Gandalf through Middle Earth?
Schmidt: Probably not like...okay, first of all, lets just, lets take the Lord of the Rings references, lets put them in a deep dark cave. Okay? Where no one's going to find them. Ever.
Jess: Except Smeagol. (whispering) He lives in a cave.

[from New Girl]
Schmidt: (on why he wants to see Nick's penis) What if Nick gets into an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured, and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? And I'm standing there, and I'm saying, "Sorry Officer, I can't help you, because no, I haven't seen his penis." And then, boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.

[from New Girl]
Jess: Something's happened. It was totally an accident. Not a big deal. I just want to do the mature thing and come clean about it. But, um, I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee.
Schmidt: What?
Winston: What did she say?
Jess: I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee and bubbles.

[from New Girl]
Schmidt: (about his date) Nick, you're gonna be fine. Don't worry about it. Just, you know, suck in the gut.
Nick: What gut?
Jess: The little pooch where you keep your extra cookies.

Funny quotes of the day #116

[from Criminal Minds]
Prentiss: Could it be smell?
Reid: What?
Prentiss: Could smell be what's attracting him to his victims?
Reid: (comes to a sudden realization) Distillation extraction!
Prentiss: Well, I hope you know what you just said 'cause you lost me.

[from Suits]
Harvey: This is good. We're gonna have some fun.
Mike: We? I get to go?
Harvey: You didn't think I'd let you come along?
Mike: No.
Harvey: Good instinct. I wasn't, but then I thought it would be cruel not to let you witness my greatness.

Funny quotes of the day #115

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: You have a fluffy white dog and an entire house. Are those hummel figurines?
LaRoche: Yeah. You find that amusing?
Jane: Well I just didn't picture you living in an actual house.
LaRoche: Where did you think I lived?
Jane: In a burrow on a riverbank. Somewhere like that.

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: You know, I should applaud your bravery, but I gotta say, practically speaking I-I-I... What were you thinking? You could have killed me!
Hightower: I'm sorry. I got mad. I didn't know what I was thinking.
Jane: That was some good shooting, though. That leg shot that took him down was very precise.
Hightower: I was aming for his head.
Jane: Oh, fantastic.

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: So, you play bad cop.
Hightower: I'll be me, thank you.
Jane: Right. Exactly what I said.

[from The Mentalist]
Jane: Trina, are you there?
Lisbon: Sweetie, it's all right. We're with the CBI.
Jane: I know it sounds made up, but we have a web site and everything.

Funny quotes of the day #114

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Pete: Berg, no more medical experiments.
Berg: Just remember my eye drop experiment paid for that couch.
Pete: Hey, Berg? What color would you say that couch is?
Berg: (squinting at the gray couch) I don't know...blue!?

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Bill: I thought your birthday was in May.
Pete: Nope, that was just a rumor started by my birth certificate.

[from Two Guys and a Girl]
Nurse: So there's a rumor floating around the hospital that you and Ashley broke up.
Berg: That's not so much a rumor as it is a flyer I made at Kencos and passed around.

Funny quotes of the day #113

[from Community]
Abed: I have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.
Jeff: I don't want to be your father.
Abed: Perfect. You already know your lines.

[from Community]
Jeff: Why do you have a monkey?
Troy: Uh, it's an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have ten of them?

[from Community]
Shirley: I've never been a captain before!
Pierce: I have! Commanded a jet-ski through an electrical storm. Only had one casualty.
Troy: Jet-skis only hold two people.
Pierce: Exactly. Saved half of my crew.

Funny quotes of the day #112

[from Community]
Professor Duncan: I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia.
Jeff: And now I have to get one from America. And it can't be an e-mail attachment.

[from Community]
Jeff: Look, we can still hang out. It's just... we won't bag on people.
Shirley: Come on, Jeff, what are we going to talk about? My kids? Your doctor career?
Jeff: I was a lawyer.
Shirley: See, I'm already bored.

[from Community]
Dean Pelton: Oh Mr. Winger, did you happen to hear my announcement?
Jeff: I hang on every word.
Dean Pelton: I'm going to assume that's sarcasm.
Jeff: Correct.
Dean Pelton: So you didn't hear my announcement?
Jeff: I'm barely listening now.

[from Community]
Shirley: Jeff, I have two boys. And when we have a serious discussion, I find that a brownie helps them relax. (hands Jeff a brownie) So! Why do you hate me and Jesus?
Jeff: I don't think my brownie's working.

Funny quotes of the day #111

[from Psych]
Shawn: If I’m gonna die, you better be right behind me, or I’m gonna haunt your kitchen cabinets until the day you die.

[from Psych]
Juliet: (about their partnership) I'm sorry Shawn, but it's over.
Shawn: I understand. It was fun while it lasted.
Juliet: No it wasn't.
Shawn: We made a great team.
Juliet: No, we didn't. It was a disaster! Partners don't lie to one another, and partners don't run off mid-investigation, and partners do not go through my purse, find my phone and text photos of my dog to every guy in my address book with the caption, "This is you!"

[from Psych]
Juliet: I am itching to get back into the field even if that means babysitting Shawn.
Henry: You two are working the case together. No reason for anything to fall through the cracks.
(Shawn and Juliet walk away)
Shawn: Babysit? Really Jules, come on.
Juliet: Shawn, what have you done today?
Shawn: Let’s see. I watched some Phineas and Ferb, took a nap, had a snack…I’m a little tired.
Juliet: Exactly.
Shawn: I just want to beat Gus and Lassiter!
Juliet: And catch the killer?
Shawn: Yeah sure, if that's what it takes.

Funny quotes of the day #110

[from Psych]
Shawn: Dude, if you had told me we were boarding a ferry to the Channel Islands to do environmental clean up, obviously I would have said no.
Gus: That’s exactly what I told you.
Shawn: And what did I say?
Gus: You said no.
Shawn: Then why am I here?
Gus: Because you’re easily distracted.
Shawn: What? When it comes to mental focus I’m sharper than…(Gus pulls out a snickers bar) Oooo thanks man. I was starved. When they say these things really satisfy, there are not lying. So packed with…(they hear a ferry horn) Ah man!
Gus: And done.

[from Psych]
Shawn: Come on, be a little spontaneous. Canada’s one of the top 50 countries in the world.
Gus: And how many countries are there?
Shawn: At least 50; maybe more!

[from Psych]
Shawn: I need to speak with you though. You and I, before you head off to Italy with Declan and get all caught up in the magic of Barcelona and the running of the bulls.
Juliet: You do know where Italy is, right Shawn?

Funny quotes of the day #109

[from Psych]
Henry: The truth, Shawn. You're not really my son, are you? Because I gave you a watch with the inscription, "Don't Lose", and what is the first thing that you do?
Shawn: I lose the watch.
Henry: You lose the watch!
Shawn: Well, here's a news flash Dad. My birthday wasn't yesterday, okay? It was...four months ago.
Henry: Yeah, well here's a news flash for you, kid. After you were born, it took you four months to smile at me. That's when the clock started ticking.

[from Still Standing]
Brian: Are we part indian? If we are, I can get a scholarship.
Judy: Well, your dad is a member of the slot club at the Indian casino.
Brian: Which, I'm guessing, is why I need a scholarship.