Funny Quotes of the Day #76

[from The Office]
Ryan: Jim, I wanted to apologize for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and, now that I've quit the rat race, I've realized there's so much more to life than becoming the company's youngest V.P. in history. I've even started volunteering, giving back to the community.
Jim: Ah, that's great. You're talking about your court-ordered community service?
Ryan: I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
Jim: But he did, right?

[from The Office]
Jim: [using diagram] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor, and Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through... [draws question mark] delusion.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: Why'd you bring him here when you said you wouldn't?
Emerson: I need Pie-Boy's special skill set and Pie-Girl comes with Pie-Boy.
Olive: Why isn't Pie-Girl minding the Pie-Hole?
Emerson: Because she's rather be minding his. Besides, he hired a new waitress. Brandy. Candy. I don't know. Somebody named after booze or food...

Funny Quotes of the Day #75

[from The Office]
Michael: Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

[from The Office]
Kevin: Oh well, if they aren't together now then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB and J: Pam Beesly and Jim. What a waste! What. A. Waste.

[from The Office]
[discussing the accident]
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so double jeopardy. We're fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is "we're fine"?

[from The Office]
Michael: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's what I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like—a fake brother who steals your jeans.

Funny Quotes of the Day #74

[from Dan in Real Life]
Jane Burns: [about driving] If you don't let me, I'll never learn.
Dan Burns: But if I let you, you might not live.

[from Dan in Real Life]
Cara Burns: You don't have to worry because when it comes to sex, Marty is the one that wants to wait.
Dan Burns: What part of that sentence is supposed to give me comfort?

[from Dan in Real Life]
Dan Burns: I ordered a muffin... [takes a large, tall-based muffin from the bag] But I think they gave me a small planet.

Funny Quotes of the Day #73

[from NCIS]
Ziva: Still think the Director is on one of your booty calls?
Tony: If there's a sock on the doorknob, you're knocking...

[from NCIS]
Abby: [to Jimmy] You chased a crazy guy with a gun! You're a studmuffin! You're an iron fist with a velvet glove... you're baby Gibbs!

[from NCIS]
Abby: One time I got my lip stuck in a vacuum cleaner display at the department store. I lost like a quart of saliva before my cousin pulled the plug. Still have nightmares about it. Can't be alone with a HEPA filter.
Palmer: How old were you?
Abby: Twenty-two. It was like Fat Tuesday or Arbor Day.

Funny Quotes of the Day #72

[from Spongebob Squarepants]
[after Squidward tells them he's Claustrophobic]
Patrick: What does Claustrophobic mean?
SpongeBob: It means you're afraid of Santa Claus.
Patrick: Ho Ho Ho!!!
SpongeBob: Stop it, Patrick. You're scaring him!

[from One Tree Hill]
Mia [to Peyton]: So am I allowed to ask what's going on with you and Lucas? Or is that like saying 'Voldemort'?

Funny Quotes of the Day #71

[from the Bill Engvall Show]
Bill: You are not getting your belly button pierced, young lady.
Lauren: Why? How is a naval piercing any different than an ear piercing?
Bill: Because when you wear earrings, boys look up here. [Bill points to his head]

[from the Bill Engvall Show]
Susan: You three, grounded.
Lauren: What?
Susan: Up to your rooms, no TV, no cell phone, no iPod, no videogames.
Trent: What are we supposed to do?
Susan: Read!
Trent: No, seriously?

Funny Quotes of the Day #70

[from George Lopez]
[George is talking to Angie over the phone]
George: I'm in jail.
Angie: YOU'RE IN JAIL?!
Carmen: Dad's in jail?
Max: Wow, he finally killed Grandma. [to Carmen] You're next.

[from George Lopez]
[George gets released after an afternoon in jail]
Angie: So how was it?
George: Well, the food sucked, nobody would talk to me, and I was afraid to go to sleep... so it was a little better than my childhood.

[from George Lopez]
Carmen: So what if I get a scholarship from Harvard? Can I accept that?
Angie: No! You'll have to raise Max because your father and I will have died from shock!!

[from George Lopez]
Benny: I took you to Disneyland once but you were too young to enjoy it.
George: Why don't I remember it?
Benny: Because I hadn't had you yet.