Funny Quotes of the Day #80

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Ted: I had the most amazing night ever.
Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like 'Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down.'

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Marshall: For as much as we know about the cockamouse, there are still so much we don't know.
Robin: Well, we know that there's no such thing as a cockamouse. What we don't know is what you guys have been smoking.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Marshall: No, it wasn't a cockroach, it had fur. And only mammals have fur.
Lily: It was a cockroach.
Marshall: Come on Lily, the only way it was a cockroach was if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
Lily (horrified at the thought): Oh my god!

Funny quotes of the day #79

[from Stargate Atlantis]
Sheppard: So, he's made mistakes in the past. Who hasn't?
McKay: Why are you looking at me?!

[from Stargate Atlantis]
(after walking underwater to a Wraith hive ship in water suits)
Sheppard: That took too long.
McKay: Yeah, well, I probably won’t be able to disarm the self-destruct in time anyway, so we’re really not in a rush.
Sheppard: Why don’t we find it first, and then you can be negative.

[from Stargate Atlantis]
McKay: Can I please have someone else do these?
Weir: Performance evaluations?
McKay: Yes.
Weir: No, year end employee reviews are important. They help people get promotions and raises.
McKay: Look, asking me to do performance evaluations is ridiculous. I am the first to admit I don't know who these people are nor do I care to. Look, if you like, I could take you down the hall to the labs and just point to the people who annoy me more than the rest, but that's about as useful as I get.

Funny Quotes of the Day #78

[from Stargate Atlantis]
Beckett: He fainted.
McKay: Oh, there's gotta be a better word for it!
Beckett: 'Faint' is a proper medical term!
McKay: I passed out from...manly hunger!

[from Stargate Atlantis]
Sheppard: You seem nervous.
McKay: No, I'm part of this team. I'm doing this.
Sheppard: Yes, you are. I just said you seem nervous.
McKay: Oh, really? I thought you said 'Rodney, you don't have to do this.'

[from Stargate Atlantis]
McKay: Maybe we should offer a sense of humor in trade…
Sheppard: Sure… they can have yours.
McKay: (laughing) Ah, hahaha, oh, please my side… you slay me.
Sheppard: On second thought…

[from Stargate Atlantis]
Weir: The city can handle that?
McKay: Yes. Theoretically.
Sheppard: Like 'dinosaurs turned into birds' theoretically or theory of relativity theoretically?
McKay (looks confused): What? Um, somewhere between.

[from Stargate Atlantis]
McKay: (explaining why Sheppard has to take the farthest grounding station) I need to get done quickly so I can start working on the subroutines, and Elizabeth was complaining about her knee the other day so...
Sheppard: Wait, whoa, w-wait a second. Are these things even close to a transporter?
McKay: Uh, yes, Elizabeth's is.
Sheppard: And mine?
McKay: Uh, it's a brisk walk away.
Sheppard: And by 'brisk' you mean... far?
McKay: And, by 'walk' I mean 'run'.

Funny Quotes of the Day #77

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: Okay, how do we go about this…this whole P.I. thing? Do we just jam the gun in the suspect's mouth and say, "Sing, canary, or I'm gonna decorate this wallpaper with your guts"?
Ned: Neither. Technically, I don't believe you can blow someone's guts out their mouth.
Olive: Wuss.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Chuck: Dwight might not have been the nicest man, but everybody deserves a burial with dignity.
Emerson: Fine, I got buttloads of dignity to sprinkle on the ground. Come on. Get holy.
Chuck: Thank you.
Emerson: Here lies Dwight. Here lies his gun. He was bad. Now he's done. Let's go

Funny Quotes of the Day #76

[from The Office]
Ryan: Jim, I wanted to apologize for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and, now that I've quit the rat race, I've realized there's so much more to life than becoming the company's youngest V.P. in history. I've even started volunteering, giving back to the community.
Jim: Ah, that's great. You're talking about your court-ordered community service?
Ryan: I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
Jim: But he did, right?

[from The Office]
Jim: [using diagram] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor, and Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through... [draws question mark] delusion.

[from Pushing Daisies]
Olive: Why'd you bring him here when you said you wouldn't?
Emerson: I need Pie-Boy's special skill set and Pie-Girl comes with Pie-Boy.
Olive: Why isn't Pie-Girl minding the Pie-Hole?
Emerson: Because she's rather be minding his. Besides, he hired a new waitress. Brandy. Candy. I don't know. Somebody named after booze or food...

Funny Quotes of the Day #75

[from The Office]
Michael: Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

[from The Office]
Kevin: Oh well, if they aren't together now then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB and J: Pam Beesly and Jim. What a waste! What. A. Waste.

[from The Office]
[discussing the accident]
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so double jeopardy. We're fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is "we're fine"?

[from The Office]
Michael: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's what I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like—a fake brother who steals your jeans.

Funny Quotes of the Day #74

[from Dan in Real Life]
Jane Burns: [about driving] If you don't let me, I'll never learn.
Dan Burns: But if I let you, you might not live.

[from Dan in Real Life]
Cara Burns: You don't have to worry because when it comes to sex, Marty is the one that wants to wait.
Dan Burns: What part of that sentence is supposed to give me comfort?

[from Dan in Real Life]
Dan Burns: I ordered a muffin... [takes a large, tall-based muffin from the bag] But I think they gave me a small planet.