[from Still Standing]
Linda: It's so nice to see you guys have finally taken an interest in junior high. Only took you 25 years!
Bill: When you have kids, I'm sure you and donor sample 3256 will feel the same way we do.
[from Still Standing]
Tina: [listening to phone] Brian's talking to a girl.
Judy: Tina, that's not nice. It's a private phone conversation.
Tina: He's reading her a poem.
Judy: Oh, let me hear!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Funny Quotes of the Day #68
[from NCIS]
Abby: Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.
McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog that attacked me?
Abby: Maybe because dog is man's best friend or maybe because I am a forensic scientist, and I could boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace. [McGee stares then takes out his wallet]
[from NCIS]
Ducky: When did you last have a tetanus shot?
McGee: Probably after that time Dicky Newsome and I were fighting over the galactic hunt Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Tony: So... last year some time?
[from NCIS]
Gibbs: What do we got?
Tony: [watching a tape of a guy eating Funyuns] A sudden urge to hit the vending machines.
Abby: Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.
McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog that attacked me?
Abby: Maybe because dog is man's best friend or maybe because I am a forensic scientist, and I could boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace. [McGee stares then takes out his wallet]
[from NCIS]
Ducky: When did you last have a tetanus shot?
McGee: Probably after that time Dicky Newsome and I were fighting over the galactic hunt Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Tony: So... last year some time?
[from NCIS]
Gibbs: What do we got?
Tony: [watching a tape of a guy eating Funyuns] A sudden urge to hit the vending machines.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Funny Quotes of the Day #67
[from Home Improvement]
Tim: You buy lots of things without asking me.
Jill: Like what?
Tim: This couch.
Jill: How can you compare that to season tickets? I bought this couch because we needed a place to sit.
Tim: That's why I bought the tickets. I wanna go to the game, I need a place to sit!
[from Home Improvement]
Jill: You are completely unwilling to compromise.
Tim: I don't even know the meaning of the word compromise.
Jill: You don't know the meaning of a lot of words.
Tim: And don't you forget it!
Tim: You buy lots of things without asking me.
Jill: Like what?
Tim: This couch.
Jill: How can you compare that to season tickets? I bought this couch because we needed a place to sit.
Tim: That's why I bought the tickets. I wanna go to the game, I need a place to sit!
[from Home Improvement]
Jill: You are completely unwilling to compromise.
Tim: I don't even know the meaning of the word compromise.
Jill: You don't know the meaning of a lot of words.
Tim: And don't you forget it!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Funny Quotes of the Day #66
[from Home Improvement]
Mr. Leonard [about retirement]: The only good thing about it is the set of golf clubs they gave me.
Tim: I didn't know you played golf.
Mr. Leonard: I don't, I melted them down and made a lamp.
Tim: Hey, I melt down gifts all the time.
Randy: And not always on purpose.
[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Wilson, if a boulder fell on you, would you want me to move it?
Wilson: It depends. Are you the reason the boulder fell on me?
Tim: That doesn't matter.
Wilson: It does to me. I'm the one under the boulder.
Tim: Let's say it's my fault. If I helped you move it, would you still be a man?
Wilson: I guess that would depend on what part of me was crushed by the boulder.
Mr. Leonard [about retirement]: The only good thing about it is the set of golf clubs they gave me.
Tim: I didn't know you played golf.
Mr. Leonard: I don't, I melted them down and made a lamp.
Tim: Hey, I melt down gifts all the time.
Randy: And not always on purpose.
[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Wilson, if a boulder fell on you, would you want me to move it?
Wilson: It depends. Are you the reason the boulder fell on me?
Tim: That doesn't matter.
Wilson: It does to me. I'm the one under the boulder.
Tim: Let's say it's my fault. If I helped you move it, would you still be a man?
Wilson: I guess that would depend on what part of me was crushed by the boulder.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Funny Quotes of the Day #65
[from Home Improvement]
Jill: The rental house manager has guaranteed me that I have the scariest looking costume that they have ever had.
Tim: They've got a costume that looks like you at 7 A.M.?
[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Every time we make an appointment with the lawyer, we end up cancelling, usually because you come down with some bizarre physical ailment.
Tim: I do not.
Jill: Last time we didn't go because your hair hurt.
[from Still Standing]
Brian: Are you guys buying Stones tickets? I thought Mom already got some.
Bill: She did, but I stole them out of her gym bag to prove I'm a million times smarter than she is.
Brian: That doesn't make sense.
Bill: Then I lost them.
Brian: That does.
Jill: The rental house manager has guaranteed me that I have the scariest looking costume that they have ever had.
Tim: They've got a costume that looks like you at 7 A.M.?
[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Every time we make an appointment with the lawyer, we end up cancelling, usually because you come down with some bizarre physical ailment.
Tim: I do not.
Jill: Last time we didn't go because your hair hurt.
[from Still Standing]
Brian: Are you guys buying Stones tickets? I thought Mom already got some.
Bill: She did, but I stole them out of her gym bag to prove I'm a million times smarter than she is.
Brian: That doesn't make sense.
Bill: Then I lost them.
Brian: That does.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Funny Quotes of the Day #64
[from Still Standing]
Bill: Why did I marry for looks instead of money?
Judy: Why did I marry for neither?
[from Still Standing]
[Linda takes off her coat to reveal a low-cut dress]
Judy: Hey, what's with the get-up?
Linda: I just dropped Perry off at the airport. He had to go back to Reno.
Judy: And you wanted him to be able to see your boobs from there?
[from Still Standing]
Bill: [on karaoke] You don't want [Judy] singing any more than I do. She's terrible. When she sings, angels die.
Bill: Why did I marry for looks instead of money?
Judy: Why did I marry for neither?
[from Still Standing]
[Linda takes off her coat to reveal a low-cut dress]
Judy: Hey, what's with the get-up?
Linda: I just dropped Perry off at the airport. He had to go back to Reno.
Judy: And you wanted him to be able to see your boobs from there?
[from Still Standing]
Bill: [on karaoke] You don't want [Judy] singing any more than I do. She's terrible. When she sings, angels die.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Funny Quotes of the Day #63
[from Supernatural]
[Sam and Dean are in jail]
Henrickson: I mean, after all, seeing you two in chains...
Dean: You kinky son of a bitch, we don't swing that way.
[from Supernatural]
Henrickson: So, turns out demons are real.
Dean: F.Y.I.--ghosts are real, too. So are werewolves, vampires, changelings, evil clowns that eat people.
Henrickson: Okay, then.
Dean: If it makes you feel better, Bigfoot's a hoax.
Henrickson: It doesn't.
[from Supernatural]
[Nancy and the deputy are in hiding during the battle]
Nancy: When this is over, I'm gonna have so much sex [looks at him] but not with you.
[Sam and Dean are in jail]
Henrickson: I mean, after all, seeing you two in chains...
Dean: You kinky son of a bitch, we don't swing that way.
[from Supernatural]
Henrickson: So, turns out demons are real.
Dean: F.Y.I.--ghosts are real, too. So are werewolves, vampires, changelings, evil clowns that eat people.
Henrickson: Okay, then.
Dean: If it makes you feel better, Bigfoot's a hoax.
Henrickson: It doesn't.
[from Supernatural]
[Nancy and the deputy are in hiding during the battle]
Nancy: When this is over, I'm gonna have so much sex [looks at him] but not with you.
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