Funny quotes of the day #92

[from Criminal Minds]
Elle: (complaining) Gideon, will you tell him that I don't need to go to the hospital?
Gideon: Regulations are regulations. You're all right?
Elle: Yeah, I'm fine, 'dad.'
Gideon: Elle?
Elle: Yeah?
Gideon: Don't ever call me 'dad' again. (walks away)
Elle: (to Reid) What do you think he'd feel about 'mom?'
Reid: Let me know when you're going to do that so I can run.

[from Criminal Minds]
Elle: Um, Reid, you probably saved my life in there.
Reid: Probably? I totally saved your life. (smiles) And I'm pretty certain that it was caught on tape.

Funny quotes of the day #91

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Barney: Guess who just got four tickets to the "Origins of Chewbacca" Star Wars exhibit?
Lily: Why?
Barney: No, I said, "Guess who?"
Lily: I heard you.

[from How I Met Your Mother]
Barney: How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple! The rules for girls are the same as the rules for gremlins.
Ted: Gremlins?
Barney: Gremlins. Rule number one: Never get them wet. In other words, don’t let her take a shower at your place. Number two: Keep them away from sunlight, i.e. don't ever see them during the day. And rule number three: Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over, and you don’t have breakfast with her. Ever.

Funny Quotes of the Day #90

[from Wizards of Waverly Place]
Harper: (about Justin dating Miranda) It's so totally obvious that he's dating her because she looks like me!
Alex: Yeah, you both have...faces.

[from Wizards of Waverly Place]
(About Justin)
Harper: He's so cute. I never know what to say to him.
Alex: Just talk about current events. He loves current events.
Justin: Hey guys.
Harper: Alex failed her Spanish mid-term!
Alex: Not that current!

[from Wizards of Waverly Place]
Theresa: Don't worry, I'm gonna help you with your espanol.
Alex: That's fine, but I really need help with my Spanish, too.
Theresa: Espanol is Spanish.
Alex: Espanol's Spanish for what?

Funny Quotes of the Day #89

[from The Office]
Michael: So, what kind of ice cream do you want? Yell it out!
Meredith: Chunky Monkey.
Michael: Too expensive.
Stanley: Chocolate.
Michael: Racism is dead, Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want!

[from The Office]
Pam: And one time I walked in on [Michael] naked... and his thing is so small—
Kevin: How small is it?
Pam: If it were an iPod, it would be a Shuffle!

[from The Office]
David: Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?
Dwight: I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie. And it turns out, it's pretty realistic.
David: We had to pay for it—cost us thirty-five hundred dollars.
Michael: Five thousand, three hundred dollars for a dummy?

Funny Quotes of the Day #88

[from NCIS]
Ziva: I feel like I know him from somewhere.
Tony: Mossad?
Ziva: Maybe.
Tony: Online dating service?
Ziva: (grabs a paperclip) I will kill you 18 different ways with this paperclip.

[from NCIS]
Abby: I found this, in his left trouser pocket. It's organic.
Gibbs: Illegal?
Abby: We could smoke it and find out.

[from NCIS]
McGee: The blood starts at the ping-pong table.
Tony: Beer pong.
McGee: Huh?
Tony: Oh, this is tragic. Don't tell me you never played beer pong before, Probie.
McGee: Nope, never.
Tony: What did you do at MIT?
McGee: Studied.
Tony: That figures.

Funny Quotes of the Day #87

[from Castle]
(Castle is getting ready to make the drop-off)
Beckett: Be careful, okay?
Castle: Do I detect actual concern for my well-being?
Beckett: Screw this up, and I'll kill you.
Castle: That's more like it.

[from The Office]
Michael: Accounting, I am 'accounting' on you to have lunch with me.

[from The Office]
Michael: Dwight, let me make something clear to you. I set the rules, and you follow them—blindly.

[from The Office]
Creed: I wanna set you up with my daughter.
Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed: I don't know.

Funny Quotes of the Day #86

[from Home Improvement]
Jill: Sweetie, why don't you just tell me what's wrong?
Mark: Nothing's wrong! And don't call me sweetie.
Jill: But I always call you sweetie.
Mark: That's because you wanted me to be a girl.
Jill: Who told you that?
Mark: Brad and Randy.
Jill: Well, they're grounded for a week.

[from Home Improvement]
Al: I thought you said you wouldn't talk about your personal life on the show.
Tim: Well, does this mean anything to you? (shows him crossed fingers)
Al: How would you feel if I talked about my personal life on the show?
Tim: When you get one, you can!

[from Home Improvement]
Tim: Having a baby is a big deal. It's up there with putting in a new sprinkler system.